Sunday, November 6, 2011

Lets Talk Men

Ok really?
I am not dating any more
I'm done.
No seriously, this is just ridiculous.

I stopped dating a few months ago. Why?
Because it was putting a damper on my little widow parade!

I am not sure why these men feel its okay to do what they do. I am not sure how they have gotten this far in the dating world? I am not sure how they tell themselves that what they did or said is normal. I'm not sure why Darwin hasn't taken them out of the gene pool yet.

There was sensual guy. I mean he takes my hand while we are in a movie and traces his index finger along mine like he's trying to detect the unique finger print on every one of my fingers. He kisses deliberately and with such tenderness that I forgot where I am and what time it is. The rest is done with such expertise that I want to write a thank you note to whomever the hell taught him everything he knows. And the man can't open a darn car door and has not once come to my door when he picks me up, preferring to text me when he's outside.

There's funny, witty and smart guy. We have these rambling conversations. Heart attacks being the number one killer of women (yes it's true) and how they are hard for doctors to detect and he even knows why! Brain surgery to emotional intelligence and The Outliers. We move to the ethical and moral issues raised in The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. We discuss Bach's cannons, Led Zepplin's blues roots and Alicia Keys' voice. He matches me, witty comment for witty comment. And when he kisses, it's like he's a snake and my lips are his meal. I find myself wiping my mouth (and face) with my sleeve.

There was the impressor. His whole purpose, it seems, was to impress me with his Hollywood connections. ( I do live in LA) He made the mistake of dropping a name of an actor whose son is very good friends with my son. He then proceeds to tell me about this business meeting he had with this actor. It was strange because at the exact same time he said the meeting took place, I was standing next to the actor as we watched our boys play football.

There's the one who admitted to Googling me before we met. On our first meeting, he took my hand in his and with puppy eyes, said "I am so sorry that you lost your husband. I want you to know that if you ever want to cry about it, I'm here for you."

There was the boob grabber. I say that with a completely straight face. One small kiss and his hand is not only on my boob but squeezing it, like it's a bag of money, a small bag, but a bag none the less.

There was the still-pissed-off-at-my-ex-wife guy and the why-don't-you-have-more-time-for-me-even though-you-are-a-widow-raising-three-kids guy.

There was the "Oh, I didn't mention that I was married?" guy.

There was protective guy. Opening car doors, making sure that I walk on the inside of the sidewalk, gentle guiding me though doors and crowds, treating me like a woman who would have bored a rock.

There's the one whose best friend called me after I had been on five or six dates with his friend and revealed that this guy was suffering from anxiety and depression. Followed it with how good I am for him which was followed with don't stop seeing him because "I'm not sure what he'll do."

There was the one who told me I was beautiful every 3.76 minutes during our 47 minute coffee.

There was the musician who serenaded me, spontaneously, in a coffee shop (fun!) and ended it with a declaration of love for me. Everyone went "awwww" It was our first meeting.

There are more stories.

It's nice to get dressed up, to go out and be admired by someone of the grown-up male persuasion. And I'm not looking for another Art. (He stopped opening car doors for me after baby #3. Did he think there was a correlation between car door opening and pregnancy?)

But for now, I'm retiring from the dating world. Kids, sorry. The prospect of getting a step dad ended when the last guy took his fork, reached across the table and speared my potatoes, as if we were a couple. It was like boob grabbing, only out in the open.


Just got off of the phone with my mom. She reminded me all those men I listed above, they've always been out there. I met them when I was dating in my 20s, it's just that I forgot about them after being with Art for so long.

So.....after I recover, I will be back out there! We all deserve another someone!


  1. You are hilarious! And just when I need it most! I've been moping around thinking about the time I'm wasting by not entering the dating scene yet. All weekend I've been trying to decide if I should join a site like or hit the singles bars. Thank you for letting me know what I'm REALLY missing....apparently, not much.

  2. Oh, Thank you for this. After just sobbing to the movie The Notebook one more time. I was thinking - never ever am I going to feel happy again. Your post kind of made me realize once again - I was so lucky, so freaking lucky to have the years I had with my love.

    This post put a smile on my face.
    So creative and so funny and yes reminded me its so good to know what you want because it makes what you don't want so glaringly real.

  3. He. Grabbed. Your. Boob. During a little kiss?
    What was he thinking? What is the deal with these men?
    I hope I don't run into boob-grabber or snake- kisser or name-dropper. I shudder.

  4. This just enforces my new idea that the best way to meet a nice man is to stop looking for one and just keep living life. My new goal is to stop thinking that a date will make me happy. I need to just keep hiking, volunteering and doing everything else that needs to be done. Did we all forget that we didn't need dating services when we found our husbands so many years ago?

  5. Kim,

    I love it, thanks!! I only went out with 2 guys so far, one was not into me, the other was too into me!!! I am done too for a bit - wow hard work!!

  6. Kim,

    Thank you for all your posts, they have been more help than you can imagine.

    When I first met my wife I wasn't looking for a wife or girlfriend. It just happened, there she was, I knew in those first few moments I was going to marry her. That was June, 1974. We shared 13,145 days together. If not for cancer we would still be together.

    Now I am a “Widow”. I have dated with the same results.
    Maybe I have tried to hard looking.
    Maybe they had too much baggage.
    Maybe they were a little crazy.
    Maybe I am a little crazy.
    Maybe no one can ever measure up to the one I lost.
    Maybe “it” will never happen again.
    Maybe…… who knows?
    Maybe we shouldn’t worry about it so much. Sure I will keep trying, maybe.

    I think dating sucks because deep down inside we just want it to be the way it was, not the way it is. Will anyone, can anyone, measure up to our expectations?

    Ok, Ok….. Here is one of my dating stories: I was using one of those free dating sites; you get what you pay for it seems.

    I took this one lady out and she seemed nice when we wrote each other and talked on the phone. Mind you I didn’t try to sugar coat anything about myself. You see what you get. She was a very attractive woman. When I first saw her I thought to myself, “Nice looking lady, what fool let that one go? Maybe she is a bit crazy? No, she looks normal.” Being a retired cop I am pretty good at reading people.
    During our first meeting we were out to dinner and she told me she did not like loud noises and guns. I thought that was a little strange so, much to my dismay, I asked for further clarification on loud noises and guns.
    She told me the following story: About twenty years ago she had moved in with a boyfriend. She had been divorced and had a little boy. They had been together about one year. She came home one day and found him “together” with his ex wife. I was thinking, “Together? Did she mean in bed?” I didn’t want to interrupt her for clarification so I let her continue telling me her story.

    She had a thousand yard stare in her eyes and was looking someplace else in a different time. I think she was reliving the experience. She took her son and left the boyfriend. He found out where she was staying and he called her. He begged her to return and he was sorry for being with his ex. I guess they we not exchanging recipes for apple pie.

    He told her that if she did not come back to him, he would kill himself. She told him that wasn’t going to happen. While on the phone with her he took a rifle and put it to his chest and pulled the trigger, killing himself. Oh……there it is “loud noises and guns”.

    My mind went into cop mode. I immediately said, “What an ass hole, how dare he do that to you?” She returned to reality and looked me in the eyes and said “Date is over; I can’t be with someone that is negative!” Me negative, this was a first date; she just informed me that she was damaged beyond repair. She has been screwed up for two decades and probably had been in need of physiological help with large doses of medication. Date was over and I had to pick up the check.
    A few days later she called me and wanted to know if I would consider going to church with her? She informed me that if I didn’t want to go to church with her that it was a deal breaker. I passed on the next date.

    So, yes, dating can suck but maybe, just maybe there is another true love out there.

  7. Thank you. It's nice to be forewarned.
    We were blessed to have the love that we did and seeing what you are going through makes me even more thankful for my life with my late husband. I hope however, that someone who can love us and we like it is in our future! Hugs!

  8. Oh my gosh! I am so thankful to be alone!

  9. This is so funny Kim! I love it, although I am sorry you had to endure all if those awful dates while trying to find someone special. I agree with the comments about not searching for that person though. It will happen when you least expect it. But good for you for giving it your best shot.

    I am compelled to share something that happened to me recently that I was amused by. My four year old daughter and I were in a store recently shopping for my oldest daughters birthday. A gentleman approached me and gave me and my daughter a very nice complement. I thanked him and expected him to move on. But he didn't. He held out his hand and said, "hi, I'm Peter." I shook his hand and told him my name. It didn't hit me right away that he was about to try to get a date. He asked me if I was married. I don't wear my ring anymore. In the split second it took me to answer that question I went through a hundred scenarios in my head. Do I just say yes? Do I say the truth? Is he asking me that because he wants to ask me out? Would I ever go out with this man? I was minding my own business in Target with my little girl. I was caught with my guard completely down. I said, "I am a widow." I wasn't sure how this would go over, would it be enough to send him on his way? Nope. He asked me out for coffee. I sputtered through my response of no thank you. He moved on and I was so relieved but felt vulnerable and exposed so I decided to leave the store. He caught up with me and tried again. He handed me a piece of paper with his information on it and asked if I would reconsider. I decided to whip out the heavy artillery and send him away for good. "I have four children..." He literally took a step back and his mouth opened and all he could say was, "oh..."

    Hahahaha! I was giggling the whole way through the parking lot!

    I can't picture myself, at all, going out with strangers, having to hire a babysitter, spend time away from the kids so I can go out with someone who could turn out to be a complete whacko. I met my husband when I was 21, he was my first and only serious relationship. I am now 38, I have four young kids. The thought of dating is scary to me, but mostly, for me, just unrealistic at this point. But that is just me. Anyone out there trying to meet someone after what we have all been through, I am truly happy for you, good for you for getting out there, and for those of you who have found love again...I have loved reading about your pure happiness. But Kim, I don't blame you for laying low after all those horrible dates! ;) Thanks again for a great post!

  10. sigh...

    See. This is what I'm afraid of. Dating random dudes. How many frogs gotta grope you before you find Prince Charming?

    Hilarious post but very discouraging.

    I'm not opposed to dating but hope that a relationship might somehow grow out of a more casual relationship from another setting. (Don't ask me how this will happen.)

    I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but also have no intention of settling for somebody so I'm not lonely. And I really, really, really have not desire to signup to any dating sites. Most of the time I think, "I will be OK if I never find another Mr Right." And then I watch some sappy chick flick, start sobbing when 'boy gets girl' and then realize, "I can't be alone for the rest of my life. I want love again!"

    Fucking cancer.

    (Seriously hilarious post though Kim!)

  11. And yes, instead of looking, I will just go have fun. That is how I met Art. I wasn't looking at suddenly he was there taking up the whole darn doorway to my future!!

  12. Oh Kim, thank you so much. You are a true gem! :)

  13. so awesome, thank you for the giggles this morning!!

  14. Oh yuck. I am not at the point where I can think about another man, but your experiences sound so demeaning. I give you credit for trying, but I can't imagine being treated like that. By anyone, even once. I can't imagine what it does to one's self esteem. Good luck.

  15. Thanks for the funny post.
    I agree with Valerie. Fuck Cancer.
    I have a stone by my pond that says "Why turn a perfectly good frog into a prince?" Got it when before my real life Prince got cancer and it made us laugh- Now the rock takes on a whole different meaning. Well I am not ready to kiss any frogs - thank you for letting me experience the memories again with your dating log. Your mother was right- they were always out there. I remember the snake kisser, groper and several of the others, oh the laughs back then...and the lonelyness....there where some weird, rude, scary toads out there in my 20's and now that I will be 50 in a few days, I think I will wait a bit and be greatful for the years I had with my froggy turned complete prince - one that was just right for me. OK once he had gas so bad we had to BOTH leave the room. What I would do to have him back alive so he could make me mad. The weird things you miss about a person. Yes I kissed a lot of toads to find him. There must be someone out there that is within range of normal just need patience.

  16. 6 years and I haven't dated yet. Would not even know how to start. I'm too old for this stuff. :(



  17. Hilarious! Love it- oh do I remember those guys from my dating days!!

  18. I am so happy I found this site I lost my husband of 42 years in July. This is the first time in my adult life I am alone. I read the post from Kim and had to laugh. Maybe being alone won't be so bad.