Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Forever Young .....
.... while I grow older and older.
Saturday was Jim's birthday.
Only, he didn't get a year older.
He died only a few weeks before his birthday.
Six months later .... I became older than he did.
And so it continues.
At first I was angry about that.
Two and a half years later when I hit a rather big birthday ..... I was beyond angry. I was downright pissed.
Yet one more thing that wasn't fair.
Not only will he be forever young ..... in everyone's mind, especially my children's ..... but he'll also be pretty close to perfect .... in their minds.
I'm the parent who's left.
I'm the one who enforces the rules.
Or rather, the one who tries to enforce the rules.
I'm the one they get angry with when I treat them the same way we both treated them.
I'm the one who sometimes gets treated a whole lot nicer if I give them what they want.
I'm the one who's been accused of abandoning my parenting role while I grieved .... and grieved hard.
I'm the one who's been angrily told that they lost both parents the day Jim died.
Funny ..... but I've been admitting to that for 4 years now.
I'm the one who has wished .... on many an occasion .... that Jim was the parent who was left behind.
I have no doubt that he would've done a much better job.
I wouldn't be the one left to watch our children grow ..... alone.
I wouldn't be the one left to watch them graduate high school, college, grad school, marry (hopefully), have children (hopefully) .... and do all of the other things that two parents normally share .... and celebrate.
And while my days are so much better than they once were, the waves are fewer and farther between, and I am mostly happy ......
There are times, once in a while ..... and probably always will be ..... when I wish that I were remembered as almost perfect ......
And forever young.
Posted by Janine at 12:02 AM