Thursday, January 26, 2012

someone who knows

"My dad is married to my aunt," my friend, Jenny, said. "I know," she said, "it's rather....Jerry Springer-like."
She went on to explain that after her mother died when Jenny was a teenager, her father eventually found love again with his sister-in-law.
Jenny seemed a bit sheepish when she explained this to me. But she needn't have.
I have heard of this phenomenon quite a few times actually. When a spouse loses their beloved through death, occasionally they find understanding, and love, in those who grieve most closely alongside them. Sisters of spouses, best-friends, cousins....
I can totally understand this. I can imagine what a comfort it would be to be fully able to share your grief with another who had known just what you had lost and to be able to share a intimate relationship with that person without fear of being misunderstood or worrying about their feelings of "measuring up" to an unknown person.
I wonder how many of us widows/widowers have found love, comfort or even just close and meaningful friendships with our dead spouse's friends or family after their death?
I wish I had that now and then....Someone to share Jeff's loss with me.....


  1. I have been lucky enough to have that experience. My darling Dave died almost 2 years ago. I have become good friends with his best friend. He was the Best Man at our wedding. He was grieving, understanding, compassionate. He became my best friend. He was always there for me. About a year and a half after Dave's death, we took our mutual respect and good friendship to the next level. We became lovers. We were emotionally and spiritually intimate by then. It was a decision that we did not enter into lightly. We talked and wieghed the pros and cons. We wanted to be sure that it was a good direction to take. It was a difficult decision and not surprisingly, is unpopular with Dave's family. But nonetheless, I now think of him as my boyfriend. I also think of myself as lucky.

  2. I have become much closer to a brother in law, both of our losses are significant. He lost his brother, I my spouse; he was with us the last weeks and at the end, I could not imagine going through it alone. To this day we have this bond, not one that I care to have, but death has brought us closer. I am no longer his sister in law, but he calls me his sister. I have 5 brothers, but he is the one I am closest to. None of my brothers have had a significant loss, so they really don't know understand my loss, they assume I have moved on.

    I do know of another couple who both lost spouses, they have recently married. Love is what it's all about, I wouldn't give one iota about what others would say, living alone is not for me. I hope one day to move on and find someone else to share my remaining years with. Several friends have mentioned they miss him too, but they don't show that to me. They're afraid to talk about him with me, as I still tend to get emotional. I just assume they all have moved on, something I'm not sure I will ever do. Time will tell.

  3. We all know how short life can be. I think if you find someone who treats you well and loves you lots then you should jump in with both feet.

  4. Yes - if love comes, leap into its arms.
    It is what makes us human.
    It is what slows down time.
    It is how we will heal.