I’m sick of death.
I’m sick of the 27th of every month.
On July 27th, I passed the three year anniversary
of my husband’s death. That same day a friend I have known since Jr. High
passed away.
August 27th (The 37th month of my
husband’s death) my childhood best friend became widowed.. without warning.. at
the age of 30.
This friend I have known since I was about five years old.
She was three years old.
I was very young when she was in a horrible car accident and
was in a body cast from the chest down.
I pulled her around the neighborhood, in her body cast, in
my red wagon.
Because she was cooped up and bed ridden, I pulled her around..
to get her out.. for some fresh air and fun times.
Now I have vowed to pull her again. Drag her through the “neighborhood”
of widow land. I might need a wagon. I might need to drag her kicking and
screaming. But I refuse to let her step into this strange and foreign land
alone.
While I wasn’t alone when I started this journey, I didn’t
have anyone that truly understood how devastating losing a spouse is. I felt
like I had nowhere to turn.. nowhere to go for support. I refuse to let her
face this alone. Sorry Michelle, I’ll be up your ass for quite a while.. so get
used it.
When she contacted me this week and told me the news of her
husband I swear my heart fell out and shattered on the ground.. shattered all
over again. How could this happen??
When I got news of both my friend passing away and my friend
becoming widowed.. I instantly was pissed off at Seth. Where was he? Why was he
not protecting my friend and her husband? What is he doing?? Off playing in the
amazing after life while we are left to fend for ourselves?
Why in the hell am I watching my friends die and become
widowed at 32 years old??
What happened to living the long, amazing life? What
happened to growing old and gray together? Sitting on the porch in rocking
chairs watching our grandchildren play?
What the crap happened??
Watching all this unfold is crap.
It’s crap that at 32 years old I know the pain of being
widowed, and I am now watching it happen to my friends.
Pure crap.
Melinda, you couldn't have put it better - it is all total crap! I am 39 and my 35 year old husband died by suicide 12 weeks ago tomorrow. I hate Mondays even worse than usual now. I hate sweet little old couples and even not so old couples. I am so jealous of them and what I will never ever have. My daughter told me yesterday that I will make a cute little old lady ( I have no idea why ) but all I could think was I dont want to be a little old lady cos my little old man is not here! Its not fair and I dont want to play this game any more. I want to turn back the clock and have it not happen. I want it to be a mistake. Crap. Exactly. Thank you. Sophie
ReplyDeleteTell it like it is, Melinda. Great post, though I am so sorry for the sentiment. There are days when we are able to pull it all together, to be grateful and to see the positive, and then there are days when life just gives us CRAP. I, too, felt completely alone in becoming a "young-ish" (in my 40s) widow. I guess one positive is that when it does happen to others, like your dear friend, we do the best we can to make it less lonely for them. That's what Soaring Spirits, Michelle, Camp Widow, and this wonderful blog does for all of us. Every little bit helps. I will always be grateful for this widowed community, and for all of you who share here. Sometimes it's the only way to see our way through the crap. Your friend is lucky to have you. xx
ReplyDeleteWe are not alone. I became widowed at 31. It has only been 3 months since my husband passed away of cancer. I can relate so much from your post. It feels like the end of the world and none of my friends understand. They carry on with their life while I am going through a tornado-like life change. Crap! I wonder the same question. Why can't I grow old with him? However, I have become a book reader lately. It helps me understand more about life and death. Check out Tuesdays with Morrie or books by a human-spirit medium James van Praagh. Hope someday we will understand why this happened to us at such young age. You are a great friend. I wish I had a friend like you. Great post too, Melina!
ReplyDeleteEvery day of the year is either with sadness or joyfull. Someone is born and someone passes away every day. A date sadness for you is a happy day for others. Yes life and death, hard to understand, and where we are in this life.
ReplyDeleteThe days keep rolling along, we can bury ourselves in hopelessness, or make good use of our time. That date is waiting for us when we pass on..
Peace be with you..
Not only did she pull me in that wagon, but when the cast came off she helped me learn to walk and run again. right now you are pulling me in the wagon but I know you will be there to help me walk again, walk down this path pulling me from my knees. I am so very blessed to have you in my life
ReplyDelete