Sunday, September 1, 2013
I’m sick of death.
I’m sick of the 27th of every month.
On July 27th, I passed the three year anniversary of my husband’s death. That same day a friend I have known since Jr. High passed away.
August 27th (The 37th month of my husband’s death) my childhood best friend became widowed.. without warning.. at the age of 30.
This friend I have known since I was about five years old. She was three years old.
I was very young when she was in a horrible car accident and was in a body cast from the chest down.
I pulled her around the neighborhood, in her body cast, in my red wagon.
Because she was cooped up and bed ridden, I pulled her around.. to get her out.. for some fresh air and fun times.
Now I have vowed to pull her again. Drag her through the “neighborhood” of widow land. I might need a wagon. I might need to drag her kicking and screaming. But I refuse to let her step into this strange and foreign land alone.
While I wasn’t alone when I started this journey, I didn’t have anyone that truly understood how devastating losing a spouse is. I felt like I had nowhere to turn.. nowhere to go for support. I refuse to let her face this alone. Sorry Michelle, I’ll be up your ass for quite a while.. so get used it.
When she contacted me this week and told me the news of her husband I swear my heart fell out and shattered on the ground.. shattered all over again. How could this happen??
When I got news of both my friend passing away and my friend becoming widowed.. I instantly was pissed off at Seth. Where was he? Why was he not protecting my friend and her husband? What is he doing?? Off playing in the amazing after life while we are left to fend for ourselves?
Why in the hell am I watching my friends die and become widowed at 32 years old??
What happened to living the long, amazing life? What happened to growing old and gray together? Sitting on the porch in rocking chairs watching our grandchildren play?
What the crap happened??
Watching all this unfold is crap.
It’s crap that at 32 years old I know the pain of being widowed, and I am now watching it happen to my friends.