I've been thinking about what to blog about for two days now. And I haven't been able to come with anything.
At least, not anything new.
The ironic thing is, grief has been so heavy for me this week. Yesterday morning in the middle of a random conversation with my two year old about daddy, I burst into tears, which turned in to full-out sobbing by the time I got home.
Later in the day, driving around, it happened again. Tears and a deep ache in my gut for Jeremy.
Earlier in the week, I couldn't stop hearing my friend's voice in my head saying "We found Jer. I think he's dead." It played over and over and wouldn't go away. Nothing can make my heart pound and tears burn quicker than thinking about that moment.
Today, my daughter wanted to bring in her scrapbook that we made together about her and her daddy into school for show and tell. I could hardly flip through the book without agony.
Grief has been everywhere. You think I'd have something new to say about it, but I felt uninspired.
The truth is, grief isn't always new. I don't always have epiphanies about grief or life or my journey. Sometimes, even when life is going along just fine, grief just stops you in your tracks without warning.
Even after all this time, my heart just sometimes hurts so much that it consumes me. Sometimes, I can't even explain it, other than my love for Jeremy never ends, therefore neither does my grief for him. The void is never filled and the pain never goes away.
Nothing new to report, just walking through each day, along side of all of you, with a insatiable ache that never really goes away. I can endure, and I do....but sometimes, just sometimes....grief is just the same old crappy companion who likes to remind me it's not going anywhere.
I think you have said a lot. Sometimes I feel this way too and then start thinking that something must be really wrong with me, I must be stuck. So when I read your post today, as I have many times before, I felt less alone.
ReplyDeleteVee, as I read your post, tears fell from my eyes. Yes, tears are always close by when I think of my husband whose been gone 27 months. My heart aches and I long for his smile, his touch, everything about him. When I think of never seeing him again, I literally can't breathe. I kiss his picture every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to bed. I wake in the middle of the night around the time he died next to me of a heart attack. That night is burned into my heart and soul. That was when God took half of me away. My husband died and my life, as I knew it, died with him. This hell will never leave me and I will never be the same. Never.
ReplyDeletefeel totally relate to what you had described here - grief is just the same old crappy companion who likes to remind me it's not going anywhere.
ReplyDeleteI think if I've learned one thing over this past year and a half, it is what you wrote about. That grief will never go away and never get better. I just have to learn how to live with the grief and pain. Thanks for writing this piece, it comes right out of my heart.
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to this. I have especially struggled this week as my husbands birthday was tuesday, he would have been 61. He's been gone 32 months and the longer time goes by the harder it is to know that he will never come back. I know that feeling of not being able to breathe. Literally! It's comforting to know this feeling is "normal" and I'm not the only one to feel like this.
ReplyDeleteMy love's birthday is coming up next week and it is paralyzing. It has been almost a year and a half for me, and I totally echo the sentiment that I have learned one thing - this just doesn't go away. You think you're doing ok and then wham - it's as if you've been punched in the stomach all over again. I never could have understood that before. My friends look at me sometimes with the, "When are you going to get over it?" look. Um, never. The answer is never. I praise God every day that they don't know what it's like to lose the love of your life at age 31, but it gets so frustrating to me sometimes that they don't understand it and expect me to just put the grief away. They don't get that that is impossible.
ReplyDelete