Fear

I suffer from fear.

A lot of it I think is normal for what I've been through.

Fear of being alone for the rest of my days. Fear of having my heart broken. Fear of falling in love and having him die. Fear that something terrible will happen to someone I love and I’ll have to start this grief process all over again. Fear that I am getting a little to comfortable with being alone and getting set in my ways.

While a lot of these fears I have no control over. They are there. They are a part of the new me.

But there is one fear that I haven’t been able to accept.

My ultimate fear is.. Snowbird Ski Resort.

The place where my husband decided to end his life.

The place I have constantly avoided for three very long years.

I’ve realized my fear of a place holds me back. It holds me back from enjoying the amazing activities that the resort has to offer.

Every year we would go to OctoberFest that is held at Snowbird. We always went as a family.

I haven’t been since that life shattering day back in 2010.

When I saw OctoberFest was here, I decided it was time to face my fear.

It was time to get over it and enjoy the resort for what it is. A happy place. A fun place. Not the place my husband died at. Afterall, the resort didn’t kill my husband. He killed himself.

Last weekend I gathered up my friends and family.. off to OctoberFest we went. Off to Snowbird.

I had a great time at OctoberFest. I didn’t think much about my husband’s death.

Until I decided to face my ultimate fear.. take the tram to the top of Snowbird.

The same route my husband took. The same tram I identified my husband through surveillance cameras on.

Once we made it to the top I was happy. I was proud of myself. I was facing my fear instead of hiding from it.

At the top of Snowbird. My husband died on the other side of the ridge behind me.

I had a pretty bad meltdown at the top, but I was happy to put this fear behind me.

I can now stop avoiding Snowbird and appreciate it for the beauty it holds.