Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Slow Dance. Last Dance.

So, here I am, writing my first blog right before Valentine's Day.  Right before what would have been our 24th wedding anniversary. I'm getting ahead of myself, I know. I was going to introduce myself, give some back-story, and I promise I will.  But maybe, because of the timing of this first entry, I'll give you a glimpse into the world that was mine with my beloved husband, let you peek through the keyhole so you can understand the missing-ness of him in my life.  This, dear ones, is the memory I carry with me in my heart and soul.  The only memory, really, that I can easily call to mind. (Why is that?)

As I remember him, and me, and our full-time travels of the last 4 years, this Death Valley dance lingers in the nooks and crannies of my heart.  Exploring Death Valley National Park in California was a dream of ours, and for 3 days we drove up and down the Valley, exploring the muted colors of the Canyons. Chuck was already sick and in pain; we thought it was the die-off from a fungal infection.  We thought it was a pinched nerve.  So this last day was taken slowly.  He'd managed a short hike back into the rocks.  Our last hike, but we didn't know it then.  All we knew was that it was getting late, he was tired, and it was time we returned to our ranch cabin.

But, as I steered the car over the road to the ranch, looking at the changing colors of the rocks around me, my instinct told me that here was a memory that we needed to imprint on our hearts.  I'm relieved now that I listened to that instinct that made me maneuver the car to the dirt on the side of the road and say to him “Let’s dance”.  We loved to slow dance, and Chuck was a master at it.  He wasn’t quite sure of the footing on the rutted ground but I said let’s do it anyways.  And he smiled and got out of the car.

It was that most beautiful part of the evening that the Scots call “the gloaming”.  The quiet moment when the day is done but right before full dark sets in.  Silence surrounded us as I met him in front of our Ford Escape.  The strains of “You’re My Inspiration” by Chicago wafted from my IPOD.  Our song.  He put his right arm around my waist and clasped my right hand in his left, wrapping his fingers around mine.  In spite of everything, his body was strong against me.

And on the side of the road, there in Death Valley, in the setting sun, we danced what would be our last dance.  

Chuck's romantic heart met my even more romantic heart and we kept that passion alive for the 24 years we were together.  This Valentine's Day is my first without him.  Our 24th wedding anniversary is the 18th.  I don't know if any one particular day is more painful than another because right now every day is filled with immeasurable pain.  I miss him kissing me and holding me and dancing with me and loving me and that slow wink at me from across a room. 

I miss him with every beat of my heart, with every painful breath that keeps me living without him.

18 comments:

  1. Alison,
    I'm sorry/happy to welcome you here.
    This is so very beautiful. What a wonderful memory. Thank you for letting us look through the key hole.

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    1. Janine,
      It's a mixed bag of blessings, isn't it?

      I'm in good company, I know~

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  2. Good Morning Alison,

    What a beautiful memory you've shared with us. I'm so sorry for your loss and I understand. I loss my husband suddenly when he passed away on May 10, 2012 from an undetected Pulmonary Embolism at age 52.

    A few months before he died, we celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary, my 50th Birthday, and our 2 daughters (then ages 18 & 14) and I were able to go with him to Hawaii when he spoke at a National convention. We celebrated our oldest daughters 19th Birthday in Hawaii in January and our youngest daughters 15 birthday at the beach in March.

    I was kind of numb during all the first's. Next week our youngest daughter and I are visiting our good friends in California and my husband's birthday is February 18th. I'm hoping it will be better this year than last year. And I will be thinking of you on your wedding anniversary.

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    1. Leslie,
      My heart goes out to you as you remember your husband.

      I feel like a big mass of pain and agony~and I so appreciate the love on this first anniversary without him~

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  3. I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful memory to hold close.

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    1. Jan,
      When all we have are the memories, we hold them so close, don't we?

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  4. This little snippet of your life took my breath away and caused tears....I understand what you miss, because I miss the same. My husband and I were married 40 years...he's been gone 4yrs ......and I still miss the things you speak of. Thank you for sharing

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    1. Barbara,

      It doesn't make it better but at least we know we're not alone. So many in the boat with us~

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  5. Alison..this touched my heart as it brought back wonderful memories of me and my John....we loved to dance..and I miss all the things you do...his kissing me...holding me in his arms....etc.
    We were married almost 5 yrs...dated 2.5 years.....second marriages for us after we both suffered long diificult marriages....we felt so blessed that we found each other...and were planning our life together...yet that ended 05/08/12 with his unexpected death....
    I am still trying to figure out my different life while my heart aches forever and my thoughts are always with my much loved husband.
    Thanks for sharing:)

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    1. It's a continual figuring out, isn't it?

      Hearts aching together~

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  6. Beautiful story. I look forward to hearing more of your story. I write on Fridays here. Welcome xoxo ...

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    1. Kelley,
      I'm so pleased to be a part of the WV team, and thank you~

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  7. We did something similiar. On our "once in a lifetime" trip to Hawaii, we recorded us slow-dancing for our friends who made us promise to dance while we were there. We didn't know he was sick then, and would be gone 9 months later. I am so grateful I have that video. I must have watched it 1000x since he died in 11/12. Precious precious memories. I encourage all my married friends to dance.

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    1. How fortunate that you have a video of your last dance! I'd so love to have one.

      Make sure you make a copy to keep somewhere safe~

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  8. Thank you for this! It brought to mind our last dance. Two weeks after my husband's diagnosis, we danced at our daughter's wedding--knowing he was very sick, but not knowing that there were just a few months ahead, not knowing that he would not be here to dance at another daughter's wedding six months after that last dance. And Chicago! His favorite band! Thanks for bringing a joyful moment back...and a few tears, too...

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    1. Deb,
      I wonder if knowing ahead of time would be a better thing or not. It all changes so quickly, no matter what.

      Last dance memories-I'm glad you have yours too~

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  9. What a beautiful post and memory… you described it so perfectly I felt as if I was standing right there watching. I just love the photo. Thank you so much for sharing Alison. I look forward to getting to know you (and Chuck) through your words. Lots of love from a fellow featured writer. <3

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    1. Thank you, Sarah. I've always called this particular picture my "cover of a romance novel" picture~

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