Wednesday, February 5, 2014

This Is Hard ......

                                                                 Long Live Love!!!!!!

...... in fact it's one of the hardest things I've had to do.   Not THE hardest  of course.  I've already done that.
As have each of you.

The time has come for me to say good bye.
Not good bye for good.
Michele has said that I can sub in whenever she needs me.

And I'll see many of you at a future Camp Widow.
Whoop!

But it's time for me to stop writing on a weekly basis.
Here, anyway.

You all have been wonderful for the almost 6 years I've been writing here.
You've put up with my sometimes TOO honest posts (and just so you newer ones know, I did write about sex once.  Here.  :)
You've hung in there when I've ranted about depression and suicide ..... and my thoughts about them.  
You've stood by me through dating for the first time, with a man who was a better friend, than partner.
And you rallied behind me when my first on-line relationship (and last ...... so far) turned out to be a psycho SOB who targets widows ..... and their money.
That one was tough.

You've been sad with me when waves of grief continued to knock me to my knees ...... and you've been happy for me when the smiles started coming more often than the tears.

I couldn't ask for a better support group.
And I can never say thank you enough.

But I will ask one thing of you:  please don't congratulate me for leaving because I'm "healed", or "better", or "moving on".  I've never enjoyed reading those posts when other writers have stopped writing.  
I don't know about everyone else, but I didn't write here to help me heal.  Yes, that may have been a perk sometimes, but that's not why I wrote.

I haven't had any kind of epiphany or vision ...... nor have I been struck by lightening (or anything else).  I just came to the realization (several months ago) that I have less to say, especially to newer grievers who don't really want to read about "Hope", or feeling better, or learning to be happy without him/her.

For years I have written for two reasons and only two reasons.
1.  To give you Hope ...... about anything and everything.
And,
2.  To let each one of you know that you are not alone, you're not crazy, there's no timeline to follow, and there are no set-in-stone stages of grief.  It simply is what it is, for as long as it is.
                                          
I hope I've done that for most of you.
Thank you to all of you who told me that I did.
Because every time you did that, you helped my Hope continue.
And that, my friends, is one of the best gifts we can give to each other.

Please keep commenting.  Comment to the authors and comment to each other.  We all need to know that we've made a connection.

So I'm taking my leave.  But I'll never be far away.  I'll continue to read here ...... and comment.
And if you decide that you just can't make it through a day without my humor, wit and sometimes boring posts ...... just shoot me an email and I'll tell you where you can find me still spouting off about life.  Mostly my life, but one never knows what I may pontificate about on any given day!  However, it's most likely to do with living in NY (was that a spoiler?).  :)

For those of you who are new here, I started a blog 3 months before Jim's sudden death, and continued it for 6 years.  It's still there.  I won't take it down because I know that it can still do someone good.

And I started a new blog after I moved to NY this past year.  It's a bit different, but I'm still a widow, so that will likely always be a part of my writing.

Now just so you know, I'm leaving you in a pair of very capable hands.  The hands of an adventurous woman, named Alison Miller, who joined our ranks in the spring of 2013.  
In 2009 her husband, Chuck, retired and the two of them decided to hit the road and travel, rather than settle down in Florida (or any other popular place for retirees).  They enjoyed being "Happily Homeless" and driving all over the country ...... until cancer caught up with them, and took her wonderful Chuck 3 weeks later.

And then Alison did something I couldn't have done ...... she decided to keep traveling, for both of them.  She painted her car pink (so "he'd be able to find her easier out there!) and she got a trailer, which she had trimmed in that same pink.  
Is that awesome or what?!!  :)

She still grieves, of course, but she's out there ...... on new roads with her new life, and I'm sure Chuck is cheering her pink self on.

Here's what Alison has to say:

"I've always thought of myself as a strong woman.  It's only now that my husband died that I'm finding out how strong I really am.  I'm determined to survive, and thrive, beyond this pain.  Dying of a broken heart isn't as easy as it sounds, so, since I haven't died, I've decided to create a new life for myself that will set the world ablaze.  I'm hurling myself into new situations: indeed, my entire life is vastly different from what it was with him.  All I have left of him is our love, and that is my guiding force in life as I full-time it on the road in my PinkMagic rig."

I know you will enjoy her fresh and different perspective and that you will welcome her with open arms (and lots of comments!).

You all rock, so much more than you know, and I am going to miss the hell out of you.
Thank you for always making me feel special.
I consider you my friends and look forward to meeting as many of you as I can in the future.

Take care.
Hold on to Hope.
And keep breathing.

With gratitude and love ...... and a few tears,

Janine

(For blog sites, email me at Janinee@sslf.org)


29 comments:

  1. Janine sorry to see you go, but there is a time to move on. I have more or less identified with you, as our dates are close but 5 years apart. You have given me what is ahead of me in time. Thanks for all you've done.

    God Bless Duane

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    1. Thank you, Duane. I appreciate your kind words. I'm glad that you've been able to connect with my posts.
      Take care, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep breathing!
      :)

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  2. Even tho I knew this was coming I still read this with tears streaming down my face. While I totally understand and support your decision, I will miss your posts. I will never be able to fully express how much your writing has meant to me. Being on a similar "time line" in this journey your brutal honesty and willingness to put it all out there for your readers has helped me in more ways than you will ever know, kept me from feeling totally crazy and lost. I love you my friend. Thank you for all your words. So glad that we have become friends - you are one of the greatest blessings in my "after".

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    1. I'm so sorry, Beth. I knew that this would harder for some, more than others. And you were one of the former. You have blessed me and my life far more than you know. I am so grateful that this place brought us together in real life.
      Now, any time you start to think your crazy ...... just text! Or call! Or best of all, take the train in and come see me!!!
      And in between those times, keep breathing.
      I love you.
      :)

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  3. Janine, thank you for ALL of your posts! When I found this site, I went back and read all the posts until I got to current. You have helped my journey. Thank you for your view and for the hope you've shown to us on this path. Gerri.

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    1. Gerri,
      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for letting me know that I've helped you. Because that helps me.
      Keep hoping!
      :)

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  4. I've always enjoyed your posts. Will miss you.

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    1. Thank you, Mjay. It was always nice to get a comment from you, and nice to know that you were always there.
      Here's to Hope!
      :)

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  5. Janine, thank you so very much. I will miss you. You have given me so much hope. I have helped me to heal. Good luck on all of your new adventures in the Big Apple. See you at Camp Widow.

    Maria O.

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    1. Hi Maria,
      Thank you. Thank you for sharing and thanks for the good wishes for NY. Can't wait to see you at Camp!
      :)

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  6. Thank you. Your writing often resonated with me and I will miss reading your words.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, GG. I will miss your comments, too.
      Keep breathing.
      :)

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  7. I have been a loyal follower of your Wednesday posts for all these years. Just today, I thought to myself, "Well,it's Wednesday, I wonder what adventure Janine has been up to in the Big Apple." How odd to think of you as a "friend" who lives a widow-life I envy. All the best to you, and thank you for the honesty you have shared here. I guess that is why I consider you a friend. Be sure and use "ya'll" a lot around your new neighborhood!

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    1. Anon -
      Crack me up! I'll try to throw a "ya'll" out every now and then ... just to see the looks I'll get. :)
      Thank you for thinking of me as a friend. That's exactly how I feel about you. What an honor. I truly hope that we can meet IRL some day. Maybe at a Camp?! Or maybe in NY. Come on up!
      :)

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  8. janine,
    I would still like to navigate my journey side by side your previous blogs...I will be two years this month. Reading your feelings when you were at the two year mark would resonate with my soul. Will you please direct me to your blog/old posts

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    1. Hi Anon,
      Please send me an email at: janinee@sslf.org and I'll be happy to give you the links.
      And thank you.
      :)

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  9. Oh Janine, I too felt this coming but found myself reading your words today with teary-eyes. Thank you so very much for all you have shared. You have provided much comfort and hope to me throughout my own journey and allowed me to feel much less alone. All the best to you today and always!

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    1. Dear Carolyn,
      You brought tears to my eyes with your touching words. Thank you so very much. I'm so grateful that you've felt less alone. That means a lot to me.
      All the best to you, too ...... and keep Hoping!
      :)

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  10. Thank you for everything. You have helped a lot.

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    1. Thank you so much, Jan. I appreciate you letting me know.
      Take care of yourself and keep breathing.
      :)

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  11. You will really be missed!!!!!

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    1. Thank you, Anon. I will certainly miss each of you, too.
      A lot.
      Here's to Hope!
      :)

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  12. All I can say is its a darn good thing I live in NYC and that I get to see you lots in my future. Otherwise, Id miss you like crazy. Even so, I will still miss seeing your posts here and knowing that Wednesdays are Janine days on Widows Voice:) love you very much, friend xoxo

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    1. Thank you, Kelley. I'm glad to know that I can still come here and read your stuff! And you know where to find mine. :)
      I, too, am glad that we live in the same place (or near enough) so that we can continue to hang out tear up NYC! It's our duty to let this city know that widows are in town and we're going to be noticed, dang it!
      Love you and look forward to lots of fun in our future.
      :)

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  13. Janine, I too will miss your Wednesday postings, which provided a lot of hope and healing during this journey we are all on. Best of luck in the future in all your adventures in NYC and beyond! I hope to meet you at Camp Widow in a few weeks! From a fellow Houstonian, Cathy.

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    1. Hi Cathy,
      Thank you very much for taking the time to tell me that. It means a lot. And I hope you come up to me in Tampa and let me give you a Houston hug!!!
      I'm looking forward to meeting you!
      :)

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  14. I relate to all of the writers here, but you were the first person I really related to after my husband was killed. I found this blog and read your writings and I can't tell you how much your honesty meant to me. After my husband was killed, I heard a lot of people tell me to "be glad you have your kids", and you need "to live for your kids", and while I knew on a rational level this was true, I didn't feel it. Many times I would have to sit through a story of someone that lost a child and the message always felt like "be glad it was just your husband, a child would have been worse"(this happened last week again, two and a half years later) The problem was, I didn't feel this. I knew I loved my kids on a rational level, but I wanted to die. They were suffering so much, and I had to take care of them and then fight the fights(my kids' schools were so horrible regarding their absences, one had PTSD, some days they just couldn't go) and I was just so tired and destroyed and I just wanted to leave this world for good. I knew I loved them on a rational level, but I stayed because I didn't want them to lose anything else, not because I felt connected to them for me. This sounds so bad and strange but it it the only way I can describe how I felt. I just couldn't connect to the motherly feelings, other than I didn't want them to feel more pain and I knew I had to take care of them. I thought I was a freak, so I faked my way through. Then I read how you felt at your lowest points and I didn't feel like a freak anymore. People with kids do sometimes want to die anyway after something like this. And I read how you have come through your darkest moments and I kind of clung to that. And sure enough, I am starting to feel like I have a life to live, and I want to be here to see them grow, and I want to take care of myself. The two year mark was probably the lowest I felt, and now I can see the hope. But I knew the hope was possible before I felt it because you shared your darkest moments. I will miss you on Weds., but since I have had such a horrible case of widow brain, when I miss your posts I will just read your archives because I know I haven't read them all, and I probably won't quite remember the ones I have already read anyway:-) Plus I can still read the other awesome people here. I already found your other blog through something here so I can keep track of your new life and still feel the possibilities I can create for myself. Thank you and I wish you the best.


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    1. Dear Anon,
      The words "thank you" just don't describe what I feel right now. Yours in one of the most meaningful comments I've ever received. I'm so very grateful that my darkest moments could help you see a bit of light.
      You, in turn, have touched my heart and made a difference for me.
      Thank you for being brave enough to tell the truth about your experience. I wish that more of us could do that, so that less of us felt like horrible parents (to say the least).
      I'm glad that you're still here, that things are better ...... and that you're keeping up with me.
      I wish I could hug you.
      <3

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  15. Janine,
    Your words over the years have been a lifeline for me. Just to know someone else is dealing with the same widow issues kid issues house issue dating issues etc has kept me sane. I have hope because of you, hope that one day I too will move on and want to live again. It's been 4 years and I'm not there yet, and no one understands why I'm still grieving...but you all do. You get it and where I'm at when no one else does. And that gives me hope. Thank you SO much.

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