I woke up this morning from a disturbing dream. Dave was in the dream, telling me he didn't love me, was in fact, disgusted by me, and wanted very badly to leave me. There was no trace of tenderness or empathy. Just disgust. As though I made him ill and just telling me it was over was making him feel a little better and he was impatient to get it all over with and move on.
It was shattering, but within moments in the dream, I was planning my new life. I felt a dawning relief. I'd move out of the bedroom with him first, then an apartment on my own and then I could begin my life with him. In the dream this was a vague sense of someone else, though in my waking life, there is a specific someone I'd like to launch into a new life with. I felt freed from guilt. I felt as though now my feelings wouldn't be wrong. I could fully give myself over to this new person.
My first waking thoughts were along the lines of "what the fuck?". And then it dawned on me. It was my subconscious way of saying that my guilt has been holding me back. Maybe it's not really guilt so much. I've never felt truly guilty for dating anyone else. I think it's more like the tension of balancing two relationships in my heart, the delicate dance of loving two people, is fraught.
I know my subconscious has been acting out in this relationship. When he mentioned how close we've become in only a few months, I began to look for excuses for us not being that close, for example. A part of me wants to simply revel in the fact that we have something very, very special and another part of me, seemingly not under my control, wants to back out and say "we're not that close!". But we are. We really are. It's not like it was with Dave and me and it shouldn't be. It's completely different.
So, maybe this dream is a tiny push in the direction of choosing love over fear, my constant quest and biggest challenge.
Maybe my gift from it is to remember that I don't need to undo what Dave and I had to allow someone else into my heart, but I do need to let myself go and be free.
His death can't be chains that bind me to the past. I wouldn't want that for him, either.