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I woke up this morning from a disturbing dream. Dave was in the dream, telling me he didn't love me, was in fact, disgusted by me, and wanted very badly to leave me. There was no trace of tenderness or empathy. Just disgust. As though I made him ill and just telling me it was over was making him feel a little better and he was impatient to get it all over with and move on.
It was shattering, but within moments in the dream, I was planning my new life. I felt a dawning relief. I'd move out of the bedroom with him first, then an apartment on my own and then I could begin my life with him. In the dream this was a vague sense of someone else, though in my waking life, there is a specific someone I'd like to launch into a new life with. I felt freed from guilt. I felt as though now my feelings wouldn't be wrong. I could fully give myself over to this new person.
My first waking thoughts were along the lines of "what the fuck?". And then it dawned on me. It was my subconscious way of saying that my guilt has been holding me back. Maybe it's not really guilt so much. I've never felt truly guilty for dating anyone else. I think it's more like the tension of balancing two relationships in my heart, the delicate dance of loving two people, is fraught.
I know my subconscious has been acting out in this relationship. When he mentioned how close we've become in only a few months, I began to look for excuses for us not being that close, for example. A part of me wants to simply revel in the fact that we have something very, very special and another part of me, seemingly not under my control, wants to back out and say "we're not that close!". But we are. We really are. It's not like it was with Dave and me and it shouldn't be. It's completely different.
So, maybe this dream is a tiny push in the direction of choosing love over fear, my constant quest and biggest challenge.
Maybe my gift from it is to remember that I don't need to undo what Dave and I had to allow someone else into my heart, but I do need to let myself go and be free.
His death can't be chains that bind me to the past. I wouldn't want that for him, either.
Thank you for sharing. I love hearing about other young widows who are able to navigate the delicate process of opening their hearts to another. I'm 33 and lost my darling husband 8 months ago - only six weeks after our wedding. I miss him every moment of every day but am also grieving the life I was supposed to have with him. I was so excited to be his wife. I hope in the future I can heal enough to open my heart again too. Thank you for writing x
ReplyDeleteCassie - To say this speaks volumes to me doesn't even come close. After the 3 year milestone of my husband's death, I too started dating someone else and all the "dreams" and struggling of the heart that you share is what I've gone through and at some degree continue to go through. I have discovered that the "heart" is really amazing, I am able to love two men and neither one is short changed. It IS possible to move forward, while never forgetting. I gave myself time, I was not going to get myself into something I was not emotionally ready for and the person that I would allow into my heart, was going to have to be special. I prayed a lot and when it happened, I was ready.
ReplyDeleteWhat timing! Year 3 was 2-12-14 I had a dream 2 nights ago I was getting married. My Sean was there but wouldn't marry me and I wanted to marry him. I unhappily married the other person but was upset and woke up distraught... Perhaps it's my minds way of " moving me on ". Thank you for sharing. Love to us all
ReplyDeleteI started dating a man just a couple of weeks before the third anniversary of my husbands death and in just a few
ReplyDeletemonths we became really close and felt like we had known each other forever. I too struggle with feelings that I couldn't quite understand. It didn't really feel like guilt so I wasn't sure what it was until I read this today and realized that what I'm feeling is normal and I'm not alone. Thanks so much for sharing.
I dreamt last night that I married the guy I was engaged to In college. ..who treated me very badly....I felt happy in the dream and devastated when I woke up....I don't know what any of that meant. Maybe nothing.I am 60 years old. Found the love of my life at 50 following a sad 21 year marriage. Dated for two and a half years. Married almost 5 years.a widowed now almost 2 years.the idea of starting today is very scary for me. Yet any idea I've never ever been kissed, being hugged, being loved, by somebody that loves you with all their heartis also very scary and sad.my husband died of a rare complication from a bone marrow transplant.. He was told he would only have 4 or 5days to live.. He told me he hoped that I would find another love someday.. Saying that I had too much to offer to live my life alone.. I'm not ready to start dating yet however if and when I do, I know I will have my Johns blessing.
ReplyDeleteI just want to comment on all those well meaning people who say "You should find someone else and move on. You are so young. You are wasting your life". When the time, and the person, is right...we just know. Any attempts to "go along" seemed to just end up with hurt feelings all the way around for me. I wish people had minded their own business and not been so pushy. And to all the guys I hurt in the fray: "I'm sorry".
ReplyDeleteAnon above, I, too, have been pushed to date and get involved before I was ready. Only we can decide when the time is right. I finally told my bro in law that, to just back off. I know everyone wants to see me happy again, but I'm just not ready to open my heart to someone else. Cassie, I like how you put it, "the delicate dance of loving two people"...exactly. Someday I hope to be there.
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