I am coming up on the two-year mark fast… in just a bit over a month now. And I'm sure this is how it goes for everyone, but the past 4 or 5 months now whole new levels of loneliness have started to creep in. A much deeper physical loneliness.
The loneliness of not having affection and physical comfort has become torturous this year. It seems to come in waves. For weeks, my heart will be consumed with wishing for someone to magically appear to comfort me. Someone that I feel safe enough with to just allow them to hold me. Someone I could let all my crazy out with and not feel weird. Someone who's shoulder I could cry on literally until I got snot all over their shirt and they didn't even care - just like Drew.
That's the thing, while I do miss the romantic stuff… flirting and teasing, sweet date nights, an amazing sex life… the stuff I really miss the most was just having that one person I could let all my crazy out with. And who could do the same with me. And neither of us was phased by each other's crazy. In fact, sharing those parts of ourselves was what made us closer to each other than we'd ever been to anyone in our lives. And it really sucks to have that particular person missing.
Now, instead (and I have never shared this with ANYONE folks…) I have an imaginary man friend. I pile up pillows on the other side of the bed at night and lay on them and pretend this kind guy is there. Sometimes I cry my eyes out into his pillowy embrace - which is really lame, since he has no freakin arms, so there IS no embrace. Like the desperate weirdo that I am, I imagine a fictitious man and fictitiously kind and warm and comforting conversations that we have together about how much I miss Drew. And about how much pain I'm in. And all of the other messy stuff I don't really let out with others too much anymore. And of course all the while, I feel like a lunatic.
I don't know if other people do things like this. I suppose it's not that weird. I had an imaginary friend when I was a child in the years after my mom died - the really hard years. He helped me through a lot, and made me feel less alone. So I guess I've just kind of reinstated the imaginary friend in some form. Weird or not, it really does help. Even though it may just be a pile of pillows and all pretend... sometimes it's helps me to pretend someone is there with me, instead of focusing on how alone I am. No, it's not the same as literal physical touch and a real person by my side. Not even close. But it helps me to take my mind off of that a little, and somehow makes me really feel less alone.
For now, that works for me. It's really all the man I can handle anyway - as I'm still far far too freaked out by the concept of actually letting a real man into my life in any sort of close way, even as a close friend. I think that maybe imagining myself being comforted might help me to slowly open back up to the idea of allowing someone real into that space again one day… when its right.
Am I alone here? Anyone else out there got themselves a pillow man or woman? God, please tell me I'm not the only one and you all think I'm nuts…
You are sooo not alone! I'm coming up on two years at the end of June. I have a Cal King bed because my husband was a tall guy. We had to get king size pillows as well so some nights, I snuggle with his pillow.
ReplyDeleteyup that damn king bed - that's what i've got too. A lot of bed to fill up when you are just one person. On nights when I don't pretend someone is there beside me (be it him or someone imaginary) i have taken to just sleeping diagonally lol. There is something really selfish in a good way about it that i like. Thank you for commenting!
DeleteSarah, you are not alone. I'm within 1week of two years out and in many ways things are harder now. I feel more alone and unsure of everything I do because I only have my imaginary partner for feedback, everybody else thinks I stopped grieving long ago because that's their expectation. God bless you Sarah!
ReplyDeleteI hate this for all of us - but i'm so glad to have such support. Thank you for commenting! Hang in there, and extra love this week as the day comes.
DeleteAt 11:40 p.m. today it will be exactly two years. I don't have an imaginary friend, maybe it would help. I have started dating again, but it is probably too early. On a recent third date with someone, who I thought things were going well with, she said that it wasn't working out. She said it felt like I was still very much married to someone else. I guess I talked a bit too much about Laura, but if the person asks, then I answer. I was never one for evasive answers.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your imaginary friend, just don't make him too perfect or it will be hard to find a real one.
God bless you Paul, I know today is so hard. Not that tomorrow won't be.
DeletePaul, I like your insight. I know I'm not ready to date again because I'd still compare him to my dearly departed husband. When I am ready, I'm certain he will have to be a widower because only he could possibly understand/feel my pain but I won't block my blessings and even though my pillow man-friend helps at times, I definitely know the pillow won't take the place of the real deal. Good luck with dating and if you're comfortable with it, be sure to let us know how it turns out.
DeleteI don't have a pillow man-friend. But I completely empathize with missing the one person who I could share all of my crazy with. The person I could tell everything to, all the things and nothings that made up my days and my thoughts and myself. I could cope with this if I still had him to talkk to about it and everything else. There is noone else I don't censor myself for/to. It is so hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you there. I have a best friend who I'm very close to - but even with her I censor myself to a degree. There is just no one who knows us like our significant other. It so sucks!
DeleteI get this-I lost my partner suddenly 2 years ago April 9. When I was away on business trips before he died, I would often put the extra pillow against my back to sleep as it felt like I had him laying there beside me...now I do it at times after a bad day, knowing full well that I will not be able to pretend that I am away on a business trip and will be returning to his arms when I get home...it sucks big time!
ReplyDeleteyes! My fiancé was a helicopter pilot and he was often away on flight gigs and now that I recall, i used to do the same thing back then when he was gone sometimes. Thanks for sharing - you're right - it definitely sucks big time!
DeleteYou are not alone Sarah! I have an imaginary friend too..but it's not someone unknown..it's my husband with whom I imagine I am snuggling in bed while watching movies, eating dinner, and of course crying and cribbing about this horrible life. Sometimes I realize how crazy I would look like if anyone saw me like that, but I live alone and it is helping me act normal in the outside world. :) Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! Mine seems to fluctuate between being my fiancé and this other sort of imaginary friend. It seems early on is was always Drew… and as time goes on perhaps i'm trying or wanting to turn to someone else to help me through it. Man am I glad i'm not the only one!! Thank you so much!
DeleteIt's only 5 months for me, but getting harder in ways I never imagined. It just feels so so unnatural to not hear John's voice for this long. I stack all the pillows I don't sleep on or hug onto "his" side of our bed (we would sleep curled up with our backs to each other, then rub the flat parts of our feet together for a few seconds) so I still do that and feel the pillows weight, pretend it's him and say "goodnight, Babe, I love you". It just feels right.
ReplyDeleteWe slept that way too - but i love the added part you shared about touching your feet together. So sweet. Man, who knew pillows could be such a deep thing? They sure do help fill at least a tiny bit of the physical space there. Thank you for sharing
DeleteSomeone sent me a big teddy bear and I always slept with it, and often cried into it, talked to it, and held it for comfort. I even took it on vacation with me so I wouldn't be alone in the bed. You are not the only one!
ReplyDeleteGG I have a big teddy bear too! It is one my mom got me when I was little, several years before she died… he's slept in my bed with me since i was eight years old. Yup, there is something about a stuffed animal that really helps somehow. Thank you so much for sharing!
DeleteI have been daydreaming lately about someone I don't know but have seen around. I felt a lot of guilt about playing out relationship fantasies with someone else. For a time I tried to cast my dead husband in the role but it's just too painful. The fantasy is about hope for me as well as a needed break from the sadness. It feels good to escape and feel happy even if it's only for ten minutes.
ReplyDeleteI can so relate Tracy. At first, I just imagined my fiancé in this way, but over time, i've started to really focus more on some new person and I definitely wrestled with the guilty feelings about it for a while there. I think you said it well, its about wanting to feel hopeful. Imagining all that Drew brought into my life only having it brought back into my life from someone new does bring me hope.
DeleteI think playing out these fantasies is probably a very good way of helping ourselves shift over gradually into welcoming new love while also honoring our first love.
Oh my GOSH you guys - you have no idea how much your comments made me feel NORMAL. Thank you so much! The whole time after writing this I was like "shit, why did I post that? Can I take it down? I feel like an idiot"… and then I came on and saw all of your stories. And I can so relate to each and every one of you. Thank you so much for sharing. I hate that we are all in this, but i'm sure glad we have each other.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone, and here's a tip: Memory foam can feel more realistic. (I am assuming that hubby was lean, being a pilot.) And, Yes!, it DOES feel weird to share this! I have also used special shirts & sweaters, and scents.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, I have a pillow hubby to. He has a fav shirt of his on and his bandana over the opening where the neck would be exposed. So crazy isn't it. I love that pillow guy, he is up against my left shoulder/side all the time now. In the mornings, I straighten the pillow out, take out the wrinkles and make sure he is ready (in place) for the next night. Thank you for posting this, It's good to know that after passing the one year, I'm still making progress and its just fine to continue with my pillow hubby.
ReplyDeleteThank you for making me feel like I am not losing my mind. He has been gone only 2 months and I "sleeping" with his shirt, blanket and pillows. I miss being hugged and held, kissed goodnight and told that I am loved.
ReplyDeleteI'm a widower for the last year. I'm not so much greiving, but I do miss the physical comfort of having someone to snuggle with...not the sexual side of it, but just to hold as I fall sleep. I miss that as much as I miss my late wife's company. I know what I'd like to have...a full pillow-sized torso with breasts and buttocks. Not some silly gag toy, but something to hold as I sleep, like I would with my wife. It sounds wierd, but I was surprised that there isn't one on the internet. I'm 66, and don't have any delusions that I'll be snuggling any real women soon. I'm too old to be chasing women around, but I'd sure like to snuggle, and would be content to press up against a replica backside and hold a comforting bust as I drift off. I hope this ain't too creepy for you, but I know that I can't be the only man who doesn't want some sex toy, just a snuggle one.
ReplyDeleteMik - Our Widow's Voice blogs have moved over to the Soaring Spirits International web site. You can find them here: http://www.soaringspirits.org/blog
ReplyDelete