So here is something for your soul to snack on ...
Other than my dad and my brother and a few really close friends that feel like brothers, I have not been held by or hugged by a person of the male species in 32 months. I have not been kissed by a guy in 32 months. I haven't been told I'm beautiful, or been made to feel beautiful, by a member of the opposite sex, in 32 very long months. There has been no intimacy. No sex. Not even any serious cuddling. Nothing. Do I miss all of those things? Hell, yes. Of course I do. Who wouldn't? But other than the normal missing of those things from time to time, when I actually have time to sit around thinking about it, mostly I don't notice it. Mostly.
Is that normal? Is it normal that, for the most part, it doesn't really bother me that intimacy and physical love is no longer a part of my life? Is it normal that I still have zero desire to seek any of this stuff out, especially if it means I have to be in a relationship with someone? (ewww!) Is it normal that even now, after 32 months of life without my husband, I still feel like "if I can't be intimate with my husband, than I don't want to be intimate at all?" It feels like being hungry. Like that feeling, when you have gone maybe the entire day without eating, and you get so hungry, that by the time you get home from your long day, you are so incredibly hungry, that you can't focus on anything and you don't know what to eat and nothing sounds good or satisfying - so instead of eating, you end up going to bed - and you almost forget that you were so hungry in the first place. That is how I feel with the physical and the intimacy stuff. Sometimes I really feel like I might need that very, very soon. But then, there is really no way for me to get that, without either being in a relationship or compromising my morals in some way - so I end up putting it out of my mind until the next time.
It's weird, because I know the reality. It is not like I am tricking myself into thinking he is coming back or something. No. I don't live in a fantasy world. I know he is dead, and I know that dead means dead forever. But even knowing this, I am still in that place mentally where I would rather remain in love with him, dead, than even consider or think about loving someone else, alive. Why do I feel like this? Is it because our love was so great and so special, that I fear it impossible to ever find such a thing again? Yes. Is it because I am terrified that I will never fall in love again, in that all-encompassing way, like I was in love with him? Yes. Is it because I am scared that I will fall in love again, and then he will die too? Yes. Is it because I am afraid that I will go searching for love again, and finally decide to open my heart, only to never ever find it, and have nobody ever love me again for the rest of my life?
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's the big one. That is the ultimate fear - that I will put myself out there, and nobody will respond. I will be standing in the middle of the ocean, and all I will see for miles around me is empty, foggy sky. I will be in a large, glass case - on display for all the world to see - my heart and soul broken into fragments from the sheer loudness of hearing: Nobody will ever love you again. You had your one great soulmate. It is over for you. Give up. You are fat. You are old. The only men that will ever show interest in you are 70 years old, or total creeps. Stop being selfish. You have already had your one great love. You will grow old and die alone - your greatest fear.
Yup, these are the types of fun, happy-go-lucky thoughts that go through my head on a semi-regular basis. So, instead of thinking about this stuff, I mostly try and push it away. I keep busy. I have loads of friends. I have a full life. Great family. Creative jobs such as teaching, writing, and directing shows - things that keep my brain and my soul happy. I try not to focus on or think about the fact that I'd really, really love to be held or kissed or comforted in an intimate way. Because once I start thinking about it, I won't be able to stop. So I just put it away on a shelf somewhere. Put it over there, far enough away from me that I don't need to see it or look at it. If I don't look at it, then it's not there, and that is the reality I am comfortable with right now.
Anything else is simply too frightening.
Wow, I can relate to this but for me it is 70 months, yet I rarely do think about it. I am of an age...YIKES...where the relationships would involve being someone's "Purse or Nurse" and I choose to be neither and prefer alone. I am not sure my life is "full" but I keep trying to add to it and make myself comfortable alone and I feel grateful for the wonderful years I had and the many many beautiful memories, so many have so much less.
ReplyDeleteIm 42 and was widowed when I was 39. We were only married 4 years when he died suddenly from a heart attack. I wish I could feel "grateful" but right now I just feel cheated and robbed out of a lifetime together, and now Im alone and while I dont mind being alone right now, I fear being alone forever. Ah, its just so sucky lol. Thank you for responding xo.
Delete16 months for me, widowed at 32, now am 34 and I feel every bit of what you expressed here. For me, also, it's feeling like I have flat-lined my heartbeat, that nothing else (no one else) ever really excites it. Maybe I am good with the 4 years of deep, soulful love I had with him. Maybe that's all I get for this lifetime and if that's the case, I am grateful for those 4 amazing years and am grateful I had the chance to experience something so deeply loving as many people go their whole lives without ever knowing it. I don't necessarily feel scared of 'being alone' forever, but I know it will take a very special person to excite an actual heartbeat in me. I have to keep telling myself, "it will happen if it's supposed to happen" There is a plan for me in this life. I keep getting out there to participate in life and if another person enters my life, he will. It was the same way with my Love. Right time. Right place. Sparks. Story began and ended too soon, but it was a beautiful story. :) Maybe I get two...
DeleteI am 43. My hubby died when I was 39. I miss all of that stuff. It has been nearly 5 years and I have not been with anyone at all. There was a time when I started to think about it and had some hugs and kisses from a man I have known for years, but it felt wrong and I ran away. I have times where I physically crave a cuddle - a really strong, male cuddle. I want someone to kiss me, to be intimate, but putting myself out there is just too much, for all he reasons that you mention. At 43 I feel tooo old, definitely too fat and of no interest. And, YES, what if HE dies? Not sure I could do this all again. Too many risks of pain and anguish. I return to the fridge, and my chocolate and dream... *sigh*
DeleteThank you for putting it into words far more eloquently thank I ever could. x
exactly! great post!
ReplyDeleteI'm in the 70+ group. Growing old and die alone is something we all face. I very much miss what I had, but very grateful in life to love and share life with someone very close. Feelings are the same younger or older, dealing what is and the reality where we are is everyday.
ReplyDeleteGrowing old at 71, knowing my wife passed away, but hard to put in your mind that now I exist and basically face life alone..
Kelley, somehow you always have a way of expressing the thoughts going through my head that mirror yours. My husband, my soul mate, will be gone 34 months on the 21st of this month. My husband died suddenly of a heart attack in his sleep. There was no warning, no last "I Love You", no closure, no goodbye. When I allow myself to think about never seeing him again, no longer feeling his arms around me, never sharing the intimacy that was so perfect between us, the pain takes my breath away. I wish I could be optimistic like so many on WV that I will find happiness again, but the pain is still too raw and intense to get beyond this desolate emptiness. I'm out in that empty ocean with you with my heart and soul broken into fragments. How many of us are out there in the ocean with you searching for the love that was taken from us far too soon? When will this yearning for our husbands soften and let us be truly happy again?
ReplyDeleteI wish like hell I had the answer to that question, Anon:( This ocean is daunting ......... xo.
DeleteIt has been 24 months for me. I have started dating again, but I sometimes wonder if my desire to be touched and to touch someone else causes me to be more timid. I don't want to offend or rush someone because of my desire to hold and be held. And then I wonder if my being too timid is a turn off for the women I see. I've had many first dates, but very few second.
ReplyDeleteThe site I'm on has a category for people just interested in meeting for sex. I've had a few of those pop up as "she's a good match for you." But quite honestly, while I desire physical intimacy and sex, I think sex without love would be seriously lacking.
I feel the same Paul. I just cant bring myself to do the "sex without love" thing, or at least something close to love. Ive never been into the casual sex or casual relationships, and I have no desire to "date" since I didnt meet and marry my husband til I was 35, so Ive already DONE the whole dating thing, for years and years, before that, and the idea of doing that again makes me feel sick. Plus, I just really really love my husband and still feel married to him, even though I know he isnt here. Its just such a weird place to be emotionally ....... xo.
DeleteKelley, all those things you are afraid of, I am too. I just cannot see myself alone for the rest of my life, yet I can't see myself with anyone else either. It was supposed to be us growing old together. And I've never "dated". In high school I was a shy, introverted nerd. Never went to prom or homecoming with anyone. I met Greg my second year of college and it went from intense friendship to intense romance within a year. And we talked so much about the things we would do when we got old together, traveling, riding, just sitting on the porch holding hands. I am open to meeting someone else, but don't see myself ever actively trying. I figure if it happens, it happens. Right now, I'm comfortable not being in a relationship, I have good friends to go out with, but I don't really mind going out alone either. I just can't really imagine a guy ever living up to Greg, how he understood me and loved me. And yes, it is a very weird place to be emotionally.
ReplyDeleteIzzy - yes, yes, yes, and yes, to all of this!!! I feel exactly the same.
DeleteDear Izzy and Kelley: Let's form a club! I live in one of the most beautiful states, Maine. I live at the shore. I am seriously afraid I am going to lose my freakin' mind this summer. Kelley, thank you for one of the best posts ever. As The ZwicKim Adventures points out, it IS a door to a whole other dimension of suffering! Aauugh! To be surrounded by: dining, dancing, fire pits, horseback riding, scooters, kayaking, (later) skiing, snowmobiling, fireplaces with fur throws, tennis... All The F**K ALONE! I have no friends or family, my health has nosedived , and people keep attacking me verbally and physically (shoving). I am in Hell; at times it feels like my skin is scorching with the desire for touch, and I am on the verge of speaking gibberish if I do not connect with another person- but on a deep, meaningful, no bullshit level. You nailed it, girl! Thanks!
DeleteOH wow thank you. Yes, lets form a club lol. I love Maine! I am originally from Massachusetts, so we spent lots of summers in Maine on vacations. Im so glad this blog resonated with you, but Im also NOT glad, and I know you know what I mean. Like you, I also dislike smalltalk and boring pointless conversation. I love the deep , no bullshit level stuff, as you put it. Please keep in touch xoxo
DeleteKelley, I am just about at the 21 month of my widowed life. I was married for 34 years and the one thing most of all I missed from him is his hugs. Best hugs in the whole world! He made me feel safe and secure. I am in my mid fifties and don't think a whole lot about the sex part any more, besides he was in the Navy so I learned to be alone way before he died. I have a widow friend who is in her mid seventies that tells me she is okay with being alone too, she was married for 51 years before he died. She always tells me I am younger and will probably find someone some day, I beg to differ, but as I was reading your blog I thought about what she always tells me and I think it might apply to you. She always says to me, "it is too soon for you, you will feel differently after a while, give yourself some more time. (HUG)
ReplyDeleteWow, Kelley. I think I agree with every single thing you wrote. I can't let myself think about intimacy/affection/sex too much. I am afraid if I open that door it will open up a new dimension of hurt and longing that I can't bear. I don't want to be alone forever but the idea of dating feels repulsive (and terrifying) and touching and being touched by someone without love is nothing that I want. After listening to a single friend's stories about dating Ron and I would talk about how relieved we were to have found each other, to not ever have to do that again.... You are really a gifted writer. And, your ability to face your feelings and then to express and share them with others is courageous and a gift. Thank you. Hugs, Carrie
ReplyDeleteHi Kelley. My husband has been gone for 27 months and I still yearn for him as much as ever. I don't want to be with anyone else but him. I am still in love with a dead man. Isn't that crazy? Maybe not. I just cannot imagine being with someone else, nor do I want to. At least for now. He was and always will be my one true love. I am so grateful that he was in my life for 30+ years. Yes, I do miss his great hugs and kisses and that intimacy that was so special between us. We were suppose to grow old together!! What the heck! And if I never have sex again, I don't care.
ReplyDeleteWhen I used to have those thoughts, I'd remind myself that the worst thing that could ever happen to me had already happened. I survived my late husband's sudden death, and being alone for the rest of my life might be difficult but not nearly as difficult as what I'd already experienced.
ReplyDeleteI was extremely fortunate to meet my new husband through a mutual friend, and to fall in love without ever dating anyone else. Love and marriage after active grief has it's own challenges, but also many rewards. I hope you have the same experience; it will probably happen when you least expect it.
Thank you for your writing. Every word rings true.
THank you GG. THat is exactly how I see it happening, if it were to happen for me one day. Through friends or through fate or through just living my life and doing the things I love. If I meet someone, I feel like it would be my husband bringing them into my life. I met my husband the same way all those years ago. In a music chat room online, totally by accident. I hate dating. I dont want to actively pursue that or do dating sites or anything. Don came into my life when I least expected it, and Im open to the idea that could happen again one day. Right now, though, its just very hard to SEE that. I just miss my husband.
DeleteI agree completely with you, Kelley Lynn. Completely! At 16 months out, I still feel married. I wouldn't mind the companionship of a new relationship, but I can't even fathom intimacy. It also bothers me that a new guy wouldn't know our secrets, inside jokes, etc. He wouldn't have memories of me when I was young and pretty. You are exactly right - it's best to put all this on the shelf for a while longer, assuming I may be ready at some point in the future to take it down and consider it again. And if that day never comes, so be it.
ReplyDeleteMy first marriage of 21 years ended in divorce...when that husband decided he did not want to be with me anymore. ....Two years later I started dating and not having that history with the person I was with initially was awkward. ..
ReplyDeleteThen I met John...He had been married 25 years which ended due to an unfaithful wife.....we fell in love...knew we were soul mates...dated 2 1/2 years. ..married almost 5 years.....found that we enjoyed telling each other our history especially the good parts...held each other in sharing the sad parts....and started our own history. ...which was the very best.
Now part of my history is suffering the sudden death of my John....
I am not afraid of not having a long history with someone. .that can be worked through. ...I don't want to be alone the rest of my life yet can not imagine going there. ..If ever.....almost 24 months out next month.
Yep - awesome post. I can totally relate. As time goes, I feel more and more lonely for that affection and closeness with a man. I will admit… the past few months I have felt more desperate for it than ever, to the point of just wishing someone incredible would fall into my life in some random way and magically it would not be weird or awkward or difficult to love them. I absolutely believe I could be loved again the way Drew loved me, only because before I met him I never believed I could be loved fully - and then he showed up out of nowhere and proved me wrong. So I know better now. I know even though it feels impossible to find love again sometimes, that there is a man out there already, right now, who I will one day meet, who will prove me wrong. Just like Drew did. My biggest fear though is that someone else will love me as deeply as Drew did, and I will not be able to give that depth of love back in return anymore. That I will always measure everyone against Drew, and that no one will ever be good enough. I hope that isn't what I do. But right now, its all speculation, so I certainly fear it. Thank you for writing about this, its such an important topic to be talking about. LOVE YOU!!
ReplyDeleteIt's been 5 years since my husband of 32 years died following a long illness. I thought I was ready to live again and ventured out into the dating world. Now I'm not so sure. Everything is so different now. I used to be a confident, charming and take-charge woman. Now, I'm scared to death! And for the first time in a long time, I'm angry at my husband again for dying and leaving me. It's as if I've lost all the progress I made these last 5 years and I'm back to wanting my old life back again. Of course, I know that's not gonna happen and I have to keep moving forward. I just didn't think it would be so hard and take so long! It helps so much to read your posts and know I'm not alone in this. Keep them coming!
ReplyDeleteThat makes total sense to me, that you would be angry NOW, years later - because NOW is when you are attempting to find new relationships. Good for you for trying. I dont know if I will ever get there, and some days, Im not so sure I care.
DeleteI'm coming to this post a few days after it appeared, but in a way I'm glad because I got to read all the great replies, too! Thank you, Kelley - and everyone who commented - for this!
ReplyDeleteMy husband died suddenly 3 and a half years ago, and I haven't been with anyone else, haven't met anyone who even remotely interests me, and am not interested in "dating as a goal-directed activity," if you know what I mean. Like one of the other comments said, my husband and I used to express relief at not having to date anymore. Yes, I'm lonely and miss having that special relationship, but would prefer to focus on figuring out my own life from here on. If I were to meet someone along the way, in the natural course of events, with whom I wanted to spend more time, that would be okay. Although I have to say it's hard to imagine being close to anyone except my Steve. I suppose that would change if the right person came along, but to be honest, I'm not holding my breath.
Anyway, I've felt a bit odd about this: How can I be lonely, but not willing to enter the dating scene? Dislike being alone, but not feeling moved to attempt intimacy with anyone else (assuming there were a likely candidate out there, which there is not at present)?
Reading this post and the comments, I know I'm not alone, and that helps enormously. A grateful thank-you to all!
Yes, i struggle with that too. Like, how can this be? How can I feel this way, all at the same time? Ugh. Its just very very hard.
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