Saturday, April 5, 2014

I Refuse

Lately I have been trying not to plan what to write here… instead waiting until the moment I sit down to the keyboard to see what happens. I feel like keeping my head out of it allows my heart to connect to what needs to be said most. So today I'm feeling compelled to share this poem I wrote not long ago. It is the way I have felt about my fiancé, our love, and his death since the very beginning… and how I continue to feel about it all. I gather it's how many of us feel. I hope it grabs you, grounds you, ignites you, comforts you - whatever it is that you need to receive today - I hope it gives you a small piece of that, my dear brave friends.

The other day
driving home from work
I realized that you did not die at all.
That when your heart stopped beating
and your veins ceased to drink
and your eyes closed upon themselves
you did not die.
You did not die because I refused.
I refused to lay down and
accept that you no longer exist.
I refused to believe that our love
could ever die.
And I will refuse it
until my own heart stops beating
and my veins cease to drink
and my eyes close upon themselves.
For all my days ahead
I will stand up tall
and I will fight
the very idea of you being “lost”.
I will question
everything that attempts to disprove
that you and I still exist together.
I will build
a new way of being with you.
Because WE do NOT die.
It is not in the nature of us
to simply cease to exist from each other.
You cannot be removed from me
any easier than
the stars can be removed from the universe
by a human hand.
I refuse your death.
I believe
I know
That we are as if
living in two countries
worlds apart
and we speak two different languages now.
Our new way of being
will be the most difficult challenge
we will ever face.
It will require quietness
and surrender
and acceptance
and an unfaltering belief
in what we cannot see.
It will require the fire of faith
and the courage
to sit with the pain
and give it love.
It will require parts of us
we don’t even know exist yet.
But they do.
And in this way
we will begin again
with a new language of love.
One that transcends
all barriers
all fears
all fires.
For we will begin again
with divine love.


  1. Love it! This is exactly how I feel too. Thanks for sharing it with us today..

    1. Thank you so much for reading - i'm so glad you liked it!

  2. Beautiful, Sarah. That is how I feel. 3 years later ... with divine love.

    1. I love it - i'm only 2 years out - so i especially love hearing that from someone a bit further along. Thank you!

  3. I guess I needed a really good cry, because that's what happened when I read your beautiful poem. I'm more than two years out from the most tragic occurrence of my life, of OUR life together. Thank you for your ability to put into words how I feel, how so many of us feel who read these posts.

  4. Sarah, beautiful words to indeed inspire. Captures beautifully what I feel about staying connected to the love and the gift of our time together. Thanks for sharing. SJK

  5. Thank you for your beautiful poem. It speaks so well of what is not lost and the faith that things happen for reasons we don't understand. The Divine powers that created such beautiful loving partners we were given perhaps will surprise us for having the courage to let them go for awhile. At least that is the thought that helps me go on. So glad you shared these thoughts.

    1. Thank you Renee - that is definitely a beautiful thought! much love

    2. Renée, I know how easy it would be to become bitter, shut myself off from the world, so I try to hang in there, like you said, hoping that one day courage will be rewarded. -Snowygirl

  6. Sarah, it has been 9 months for me. I have found comfort at WV since the beginning, but have not replied until now. One of my challenges is allowing the emotions to come to the surface. This beautiful (and I don't use the word lightly) poem allowed me to FEEL and to cry many tears. THANK YOU. Your words are insightful and true. (This one goes in my memory box.)

    1. Thank you SO much for your comment, sincerely. I know too well just how difficult it can be something to really truly allow yourself to feel. Its terrifying. But you are not alone! I am so very glad this found you… no doubt it was meant for you. <3

  7. Sarah, this is beautiful. It moved me tears because your poem touches the deepness of my soul and spirit. Your words have opened my heart even further for love. Thank you for putting into words what my heart and spirit know.

    Maria O.

    1. Oh Maria, your comment meant so much to me. I'm almost teary over here - thank you! xoxo

  8. some things are simply providential - like my finding this most gorgeous writing that captured everything I believe. in just less than a month, it will be a year since I found my beloved next to me in our bed. he had died, peacefully and quietly very suddenly, while in the midst of a robust remission from his cancer. I, too, had cancer, and we were both in remission together, living our lives re-invented with such joy and gusto. then just 8 weeks after his death, I was diagnosed with yet another lethal cancer. I recently completed 9 mos. of treatment that appears to be successful, so as I am slowly transitioning from complex and heart wrenching, raw, surreal bereavement, struggling to envision re-shaping my life. today I cried more than I have since that awful day nearly a year ago. I write my Beloved letters, and today's was filled with all my feelings of loss, of isolation, of missing a hundred million things about him. but the letter ended with the affirmation that he is not lost to me, nor I to him.

    C.S. Lewis once said: "you do not have a soul.

    you are a soul.

    you have a body."

    I found that truth to be exceptionally comforting because I believe our souls are the essence of who we are - pure love. the absence of my Beloved's presence (his body) is a wrenching loss. but the essence of who we both are, the love we created over a lifetime together, will never die and thus, we are both there for each other, still madly, truly, deeply in love. though my poor human body still craves his physical presence, I find myself more and more turning inward, to the divine and eternal love I know keeps us connected forever. I know my beloved wants me to be happy, I know he is in a place able to see so many more possibilities that my body's eyes could ever imagine. i must, and i will continue to do all i can to see and to feel through the eyes of my soul.

    so thank you Sarah, thank you for so eloquently writing those beautiful words. being able to live the words, and now seeing them written in such a lovely and comforting manner will be my touchstone.

    much love and light,

    Karen XOXO

  9. Karen, wow, your story is so powerful. How much you have been through on this journey all at one time. Thank you SO much for sharing - I am saving your comment, because the way you wrote it truly touched me. And as it turns out, today (the 12th) that I am reading your comment is 22 months since he died. I think I needed your message maybe just as much as you needed mine a few days ago. Sending you lots of love my friend.

  10. oh, sarah, thank you so much - your response to my comment means the world to me. I so needed you to KNOW the wonderful gift you have given me, the very truth of how I feel, and the words, the beautiful and affirmative words that can always bring me solace and strength and reassurance. and now we've helped one another and I feel elated to have made such a lovely connection with you - you and your beautiful and heart felt resolve to remember that love, the essence of who we are never dies, and that it allows us to dispense it into the universe like golden confetti and shower it upon other aching hearts, with loving abandon - because there is more than enough, much more than enough to share. I will keep you held close to my heart and send you my most profound gratitude for what will be a much needed respite from the ache of grief as May 5th approaches. I am happy if I was able to give any validation, any comfort, any respite from the pain you feel so acutely, especially when "the Day" that changed our lives forever has arrived, or even when it's on it's way. you created something that obviously resonated with so many others and I hope you feel good that in doing so, dear hearts have been soothed and blessed with a balm of love and compassion. and yes, how lucky we both were to cross paths, just when we needed one another's messages. sending you lots of love right back, Sarah - and I am proud you have called me "friend".

    Karen Sutherland, TC (the commenter)