Thursday, February 26, 2015

When Alone Becomes Your Normal

Three and a half years after the death of my beautiful husband Don, and I am still nowhere near ready to accept the concept of dating, relationships, or "someone else." Yes, the very idea terrifies me. Yes, I feel like I am still in love with my husband, who happens to be a dead guy, and I still don't know how to sort out those feelings. Yes, I still very much feel in my heart like a still-married person, even though I 100% realize on every level that I am not. And yes, I am scared beyond scared - not that I won't be able to fall in love again, but that I will fall in love again, and one of two things will happen:

A: The person I fall in love with will suddenly die, and I will have to go through this shit twice before I even reach the age of 45.

B: The person I fall in love with will not be in love with me.. I will put my heart out there again, and end up more hurt and vulnerable than ever.

All of these things are what have kept me from moving forward, even in thought, when it comes to the idea of a new relationship. But let's put all of those very frightening things aside for a minute, and talk about the other big reason (s) that I am hesitant on taking the risk my next great love ....

I'm overweight, and although I'm always attempting to get healthier, I just don't know if there will ever be a time when I'm not overweight on some level. 

I'm a writer, (and a professor, comedian, actor, director, speaker) which means there are some days I stay home for hours and hours, at my laptop, writing. There are times when I am involved in several writing projects at the same time. Right now, in addition to my teaching job, I write for this blog, I write for an entertainment blog, and I'm writing comedy sketches for 2 different local productions. All this while writing my first book, too. When I am in my writing mode, there are times when I might not leave my desk for days. I might get into a "zone" and not even get out of my pajamas, or skip a shower for a day. My breakfast may be cold lo-mein at my desk, and dinner might be some cheddar Sun-Chips and ginger-ale. There are other weeks where I have so many things going on at once that I will be out of my apartment from 7 am to midnight. My life is all over the place, and "routine" is not a word that enters into my world. 

I don't have nice clothes, or sexy shoes, or fancy underwear. Sometimes I wear sweatpants and a t-shirt and I don't really think about it much. I can't afford things. I live paycheck to paycheck. Some of my clothes are from Target or Kohl's. I am not a drinker, and I hate nightclubs and the bar scene. I would rather stay home with my cats alone, than have a night out where the entire purpose of going out is to "get wasted." I don't fit into the typical mold of a 43 year old "single" female, and I don't much care to. 

I fall asleep with the T.V. on in the background. I have two kitty cats and they mean the world to me. I have issues with intimacy because of a trauma I went through years ago. People tell me I snore loudly, although my husband never really mentioned it or seemed to mind. I don't exercise as much as I should, and I eat like crap.  I sleep with a stuffed animal named Bunny. The first thing I do when I get home from work is take off my bra and shoes. 

Before I met my husband, I lived on my own for years and years. I had my own apartment that he ended up moving into before we were engaged. Now that he is gone, I have become used to the way I do things again. After a long day out, I look forward to being home alone and shutting out the world. 

I don't want to be alone forever, but I am so damn scared that it's too late to get used to someone else's habits and energy again. The energy my husband and I had together was so good - we didn't ever have to think about it. I was me and he was him, and we were two very independent people, who loved spending time together. What if you only get that one time in life? What If I'm destined to be alone, grow old alone, die alone? What if it's simply too late to learn the rhythms of someone new? And what if I'm not sure I have the energy for it?

 And how does someone like me even go about finding someone anyway? I feel like the very few times I HAVE felt even a tiny connection with a human of the male species, (usually it was another widower that I would meet locally through support groups or at Camp Widow), I am automatically written off as the "funny friend' - immediately I end up in that "friend" zone with guys, because I am not skinny and hot and girly and all those other things that guys SAY they dont care about but actually, they do. These are all the same things I went through for YEARS before I finally met my husband. I hated dating back then, and I hate it now. I hate dating sites. I hate bars. I don't feel like my life fits into a simple box on a match.com profile page. I don't know how to do this. I am terrified that not only am I too set in my ways post-loss to be able to live with another human male again, but that no human male would ever want to live with me. A huge part of me feels like what my husband and I had was SO rare , and that he accepted every ounce of me in a way that doesn't seem plausible to happen again for one person. Maybe it seems over-dramatic or pessimistic. I am not trying to be that way. To be honest, I just feel very lost when it come to future love. I wish that my attitude about it could be in a better place, but every time I think about it, my heart gets really sad and I feel overwhelmed, panicky, and exhausted before I even begin. 

Where do I go from here?

24 comments:

  1. So much of what you've said resonates with me. It took me FOREVER to find Dan. I was 31, so I waited a really long time. I have very low self-confidence with men; I am a massive introvert and uncomfortable around groups of people; I'm particular; and I felt like lightening hit when I found him. They say lightening doesn't strike twice... I almost don't want to hope.Our issues might not be identical but I have my own set. You're not alone xo

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    1. Me too Rebecca. A LONG time. I married Don at 35, and I was widowed at 39. It all happened so damn fast. Now I feel like Im too old to be young and too young to be old, and I havent a clue how to exist or fit in with the modern way of relationships and dating. And not sure I want to. It sucks.

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  2. Oh, wow, crying as I read this because I have said and felt all of these things. I am 58 this year, I wear hiking boots because they are the only thing that don't hurt my feet, I have no desire to dress girly, for anyone, and I am definitely not going into pubs or dating sites, for any reason. What I had with my husband was real and deep and yes, we had to make compromises to live together but we were willing to do that for each other. I don't want to put energy into trying to find another, again. Ever. I am only 9 months from his death so this may change but, as you said, I was like this before I met him. Meeting and getting to love him was a fluke. A rarity. Maybe it is my only one.
    Thank you for sharing so honestly.

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    1. Tricia, I totally get it. A rarity - a fluke. I feel the same way lots of times about Don choosing ME to love . I still dont believe he chose ME. Im so so lucky that he chose me, and so unlucky that we dont get to share our life together. xo ...

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  3. Totally understand and appreciate you getting it out there! At the 3.5 year mark for me (3 months ago), the loneliness continued to overwhelm me so much that I started thinking about the possibility of a date, not dating....just one date :) none of my friends ever tried to fix me up and all my hobbies and activities are very female heavy. So in my fear and loneliness for all the reasons you mention, plus one more - rejecting someone else, I took the plunge on OurTime (ugh). I'm 57 and my therapist suggested I approach the process like research for a book. I, too am in love with a man who is dead, but I'm starting to Finally feel less than married. Keep trusting your instincts and talking it through with your therapist. You have a heart that knows how to love. All will be well. Your love matters. ��

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    1. Thanks Julie. I like your therapists idea about approaching it like research. Although Im still not sure if Id have the energy or desire for it right now. Maybe one day ..... if Ive learned one thing about grief, it's that the emotions are forever changing, so I KNOW that how I feel right now is not how I will feel forever, and that is oddly comforting xo

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  4. Kelley, my husband died 3-1/2 years ago suddenly of a heart attack. We met and it was instant chemistry. We were together from the night we met until the night he died which was 16 years. I'm in my 60's and the reality is that there are few men my age who don't look 80. I will never find the instant chemistry and melding souls that my husband and I found. He was the love of my life and, yes, I'm now set in my ways, after being alone for almost four years, and I don't think I have the mental and physical energy to play dating games. Percentage-wise dating sites don't work out. Only TV advertising makes it appear that many find love matches thru their services. I was told, by a friend, that a friend went on 81 dates without finding one man who she even liked a little. OMG! Like you, I'm still so much in love with my husband. He was the other half of me and the love of my life. This hellish loneliness sucks though. Now what? Thank you for your blog; it always resonates with me. You're an awesome writer as are all the bloggers on Widow's Voice. Karen

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  5. Well...very interesting and valid points you have made. My husband and I were married 38 years so we watched each other evolve over all those years. Yes, I was a skinny girl and he was much thinner than in later years but as time went on I picked up weight, had wrinkles and didn't much care what I wore at home. We accepted each other for what we had become. He has been gone a little over 5 years and for the first 4 there was no way I was going to date or have any kind of interest in another man...I had my one great love and if I ever ventured out to another relationship it was going to be strictly that he was filthy rich, 99 years old and no kids to contest the will!! Sometime during the 5th year I began to feel desperately alone and gave thought to the possibility of meeting someone. Small town, not sure how to do this etc. so I joined a dating website. After a while I had a few dates but never a second one because it just didn't feel right. Then there was one that felt like a good fit. Our relationship has grown considerably over the last few months and it's comfortable and loving. He is neither rich or 99 lol nor kid free!! I share my home with him, mostly, and it's ok but not without some struggles. He accepts me with my few extra pounds and wrinkles with no problem. Sharing my space and my life is still evolving. We talk about not having a new life but a compliment to the old one. I too never though anyone could care about me again but I was wrong. It's good to have that, have someone hold my hand, reach for me in the middle of the night, help me with dinner, take me out to dinner but it is definitely still a work in promise. I had been accustomed to living alone and doing what I wanted without taking anyone else into consideration. Maybe it's permanent and maybe it's not but for now it's good. Don't rule it out but don't try to rush it either.

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  6. tears overflowing - each time I think of dating, a new relationship, even just having some male companionship - let alone another great love of my life - the words that echo in my head are "who would want me? dealing with St IV metastatic breast cancer, uterine cancer we hope will not recur, looking 20 years older than my age since the trauma of finding my beloved dead beside me in our bed, and simply having no confidence that I could find that epitome of unconditional love we shared for 45 years." I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but it is so scary and sad to think I very well may be just that. I scour for stories about scenarios where 2 people find one another with the most improbable odds stacked against them, I hope, I wish, i long for it to happen for me. and though no one can predict the future, it scares me when i think thoughts about writing myself off - like those thoughts will be what will consign me to a life without someone who will love me just the way i am. thanks Kelley for this post, written with such raw candor.

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    1. Yes that is very scary to write ourselves off like that, and then we set ourselves up for the loneliness that we feared in the first place. Man, that's deep lol. Lets make a deal. I will try to keep my mind open to the idea that just MAYBE someone could love me again, if you will do the same. Okay?

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    2. dear Kelley,

      deal! I'm in! this is what comes of we widows with our hopes for one another, our compassion, our sharing, and the inestimable power of deeply, genuinely caring about what we are going through. I love this deal, and I love you so much, Kelley. I only live about 30 miles from NYC - would love to meet up with you sometime. let me know if you want to get away for a week-end; you would always be welcomed.

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    3. Awesome! I would love that! Heres my email. Lets talk more about it there ....
      kelleyiskelley@gmail.com

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  7. OMG Kelley, wow did this post hit home. I'm 57 and totally in love with my late husband after almost 4 years since he died. There's a song whose lyrics say "I feel just like I'm living someone else's life. It's like I just stepped outside when everything was going right." That pretty much sums it up for me. I was noticing that feeling of being totally alone in a world full of people and realized it's like I'm living my life on a little tangent rather than in the mainstream. Every thought of moving back into that mainstream brings on exhaustion just considering it. Since everyone else who has commented above has similar thoughts it must be part of the process but I haven't a clue how to "get on track" or maybe I never will.....? Who knows, for now I guess I'll just continue to march. Hugs to you

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  8. Kelley, I am drawn to your title. When Alone becomes Your Normal. Good news bad news, you didn't write 'When Lonely becomes Your Normal'. LOL I get the distinct impression something inside you is nudging you. You little bluebird is alongside already, grinning in your ear. Listen!

    You've heard from a lot of widows, no doubt. There's something pretty special about widows. We all have a different timeline. Here's mine. He dies, I'm barely 52. 4 years later - Trying the dating idea on for size. I learn to flirt again. I slim down. Join eharmony, low risk. 5 years out - go to meet up groups, flirt and have 1st date. 6 years out - join Match. Meet some frogs, meet someone and FALL in love. Get dumped. Oops! Cry non-stop for four months, but the gift I got was that I CAN fall in love again and survive its end. 7 years out - meet boyfriend #1. 8 years out - meet boyfriend #2. 9 years out - choose not to marry boyfriend #2. 10 years out - off dating sites. Yet that bluebird of happiness is on my shoulder, grinning and singing in my ear.

    You such a splendid imagination, you'll figure it out. Good luck to you.

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    1. Flo, I LOVE THIS! You are REAL-- thank you, thank you, thank you for not posting some "Cinderella Retread" story. ("I didn't think I would... I fell... Life's perfect".) At a very crucial point in my recovery I had a real jerk hurt me by leading me on, humiliating me and using me for 5 years. You gave me hope-- a little glimmer of hope, faint chirp of a bluebird.

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  9. Your blog today is perfect! My husband has been gone for 5 years, 9 months. I just turned 57 and the idea of dating or trying to 'find' someone new just does not excite me. Not saying that it wouldn't be nice to have someone to go to a movie with or out to dinner with but, I am not willing to go on a dating site, etc. Not interested. It is all so artificial. Maybe my feelings about this are more fear based than I realize - yes, I am overweight, out of shape, etc. and I don't believe that anyone would ever find me attractive right now.... hell, I don't find myself attractive in the least and that probably colors my view of the whole idea. Anyway, I am rambling aimlessly here. Just wanted to say thanks so much for expressing what so very many of us are feeling. I love my husband so much and miss him dearly every day. We were just so great together. Hard to believe I am living this life without him.

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    1. Oh, major hugs to you. Im sad reading this because it shines a mirror on the insecurities I have about myself - I see you treating yourself the way I treat myself, and hearing someone else do this to themself puts it in a different light. I wish I could hug you xo I understand.

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  10. Totally hit home here too Kelley! I'm 55, 11 months since he died of pancreatic cancer within 10 weeks, we were the same age. Second marriage, we were together 10 years and he was my best friend. He took me the way I am, loved me, and made me laugh. Every day he came home and said 'I am so happy that I get to come home to you'. Doubtful i'd find someone like that again, since I, too, work from home, am somewhat overweight, don't wear high heels, and all that. But who knows, maybe we will :) thank you for your post!

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    1. What a beautiful thing he said to you, every day. Try to hold onto that, and try to see in you what HE saw in you. I need to remind myself to do the same thing that I just preached to you lol, so Ill do it if you do it for yourself , ok?

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  11. I was widowed at 34. I have four kids two of those with special needs. So dating isn't an option for me. Plus dating isn't appealing it just to much crap to deal with. I would rather take a nap or bath without being interrupted.

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  12. Oh my goodness, so much of me in all these posts! I am 58, 6 years a widow, and am some days so lonely for my husband. But even so, I am not interested in even entertaining the thought of dating life. My main reason/excuse is that I have a 14 yr old daughter still at home, but even she has been saying lately "mom, I wouldn't mind a man in our lives". Hmmmm. Certainly the fear of being overweight, out of shape, maybe not a great conversationalist, not interesting, etc. etc run through my head, and it really easy to just keep on the way things are. Kelley, this pondering was such a perfect fit right now, thanks for this.

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  13. I'm a little late in reading this post. Just got back from a fun weekend with family. Talk about loneliness after being with people day and night for a long weekend. Everything in the post and the comments is spot on for my current life, except add 20 or 30 years to age, and it really seems impossible to find a male friend just to go places with. Somewhere in my early 60's (more than 10 years ago), I made an unpleasant discovery. I was no longer day dreaming about things in the future as often as I used to. As many of us here, I'm 3.5 years into THIS. Now I think my day dreaming (I'm not talking about planning and to-do lists, etc.) is at zero.
    Hugs to all, Carol

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  14. Chuck was my second marriage, my first chance at true love, something I never thought to find, what with having 3 small kids. But I did and he and I used to work with the numbers as we drove this country to estimate how long we might have together, given our ages when we married.

    The alone-ness. It kills me in so many ways but I also crave it, to be alone with my grief in my little trailer, out on the road somewhere. The more time passes, the more intimate this grief becomes and the more inclined I am to go in a cave with it.

    Kelley, I just want to tell you that I hold you close in my heart and think of you unexpectedly during the day and send love to you. You are a true FWG, girl~

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  15. Thank you for writing this for so many of us!! You are such an amazing person I hope things turn around for you someday.

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