Lately I have been trying not to plan what to write here… instead waiting until the moment I sit down to the keyboard to see what happens. I feel like keeping my head out of it allows my heart to connect to what needs to be said most. So today I'm feeling compelled to share this poem I wrote not long ago. It is the way I have felt about my fiancé, our love, and his death since the very beginning… and how I continue to feel about it all. I gather it's how many of us feel. I hope it grabs you, grounds you, ignites you, comforts you - whatever it is that you need to receive today - I hope it gives you a small piece of that, my dear brave friends.
I REFUSE
The other day
driving home from work
I realized that you did not die at all.
That when your heart stopped beating
and your veins ceased to drink
and your eyes closed upon themselves
you did not die.
You did not die because I refused.
I refused to lay down and
accept that you no longer exist.
I refused to believe that our love
could ever die.
And I will refuse it
until my own heart stops beating
and my veins cease to drink
and my eyes close upon themselves.
-
For all my days ahead
I will stand up tall
and I will fight
the very idea of you being “lost”.
I will question
everything that attempts to disprove
that you and I still exist together.
I will build
a new way of being with you.
Because WE do NOT die.
It is not in the nature of us
to simply cease to exist from each other.
You cannot be removed from me
any easier than
the stars can be removed from the universe
by a human hand.
I refuse your death.
-
Instead
I believe
I know
That we are as if
living in two countries
worlds apart
and we speak two different languages now.
Our new way of being
will be the most difficult challenge
we will ever face.
It will require quietness
and surrender
and acceptance
and an unfaltering belief
in what we cannot see.
It will require the fire of faith
and the courage
to sit with the pain
and give it love.
It will require parts of us
we don’t even know exist yet.
But they do.
-
And in this way
we will begin again
with a new language of love.
One that transcends
all barriers
all fears
all fires.
For we will begin again
with divine love.
