My Birthday + Halloween = Life Insurance

Halloween 2004, two months after we got engaged

Today is my 32^nd birthday.

Its official, my birthday is the hardest event or holiday I go through without Seth.

Seth’s birthday is on the 24^th, so we always did a big, combined party.

It’s my 3^rd birthday without my husband.

My friends and family threw me an amazing party at my favorite bar.

The bar Seth and I always celebrated both of our parties at.

And even with it being my 3^rd birthday without Seth, I still expected to walk into the bar, and see his smiling face.

I walked into the bar, and was smacked with the reality, all over again, that my husband is dead.

He’s not here to celebrate with me.

I can’t throw him a huge party and spoil him with his favorite candy and beer.

Seth was always 2 years and 20 days older than me.

I am now 1 year older than him.

It’s so weird when I think about Seth’s age. He will always be 31 years old.

And I will always get older with each passing year.

We got our first snow fall in Utah. I walked outside at 6am, saw the snow, breathed in the cold air and let out a huge sigh of relief.

I have never been so happy to see snow and winter.

Summer was always my favorite time of year. Seth and I were always off doing something. Camping, backpacking, boating, playing at the lake for days.

Now summer is the hardest, most depressing time for me. Everything about summer reminds me of Seth. Reminds me of the times lost.

Winter has now become my favorite time of year. I guess it’s because I don’t have to deal with the death date, going camping without Seth, going to summer parties without him.

Winter doesn't remind me a whole lot of Seth. Sure, Christmas and Thanksgiving does, but nothing like summer time.

Halloween got me thinking about all the people that have passed. It got me thinking about what’s left in the wake of someone’s death.

It got me thinking about life insurance, and how badly I struggle financially.

I know what you are thinking. “Oh, I have $20k” in life insurance, we are fine!”

“We are too young to worry about life insurance”.

You are wrong. Dead wrong.

If you are married or have children, you need life insurance. And far more than $20k.

Please check your policies. Most of them have a suicide, drug or alcohol rider on them. Seth’s did.

Even if you think you or your loved one won’t die from suicide, drugs or alcohol, I would have your policy reviewed and possibly get a new one.

When I took out the policy on Seth, I didn't expect his death to be suicide. I also didn't think I would be widowed at 29 years old.

I never thought I would find myself in a position where when people ask me what I want for my birthday, I say “food”.

It was embarrassing and heart breaking. Despite my best efforts, financially, it’s a juggling act.

I wasn't prepared for a pipe to break and flood my neighbor’s basement. Leaving me scrapping together any cash I can find.

Looking back, I wish I knew. I wish I knew I would REALLY need that life insurance policy. I wish I wasn't naive enough to think that $20k was enough and that I wouldn't need that money any time soon.

Boy could I use that money now!

Please don’t leave your spouse or children in a position of where they have to ask for food as their birthday present.

Please.

Facing my birthday without my husband, scraping together money I don’t have to fix my neighbors basement, and having to ask for food for my birthday, add it all on top of each other, and it was a lot more then I could handle.

I have been in tears all week. Waiting for my party to arrive. The anticipation of knowing Seth wouldn't be there was extreme.

Knowing I would be walking into a party with friends and family, showing me pure love, but knowing the one person I wanted to see most, wouldn't be there.

Another birthday passed without my love.

Another night of fully enjoying myself, only to come home to an empty house and bed.

I have learned the difference between feeling alone and being alone.

Scarred For Life ......

                                                                     source          

...... and yet blessed for life, too.

Our oldest son graduated from college this past May.  Before he graduated he was offered a job with a very large firm that sells life insurance and does wealth management.

He came home this past weekend so that he and I could discuss long term health care insurance (even though I refused to discuss it with him when he first broached the subject ...... other than to tell him that I was nowhere near 90 years old!).
But I did finally tell him that we could talk about it and he could give me his view on it.

I had also decided that I wanted to take out life insurance policies on my six kids.

Not for them.
Not for me.
But for their future spouses.

None of them are near getting married at this point in time.
But that doesn't matter to me.
Because I've been scarred for life.

Yes, Jim's death has left me forever scarred.
But his provision and security for me and our children has left me forever blessed, too.
He planned for the day that we hoped would never come.
At least not for about 40 or 50 more years.

But come it did.
And much, much sooner than either of us expected.
And I was scarred.
Not only by his death, but by the knowledge that I later gained.  The knowledge that most of the married couples I know do not have life insurance.
Or wills.

Most of the husbands I know have not taken action to keep their wives and children secure, in case that day comes too early for them, too.
Even knowing Jim and our family.
Even seeing what can happen.
Even seeing how much Jim loved and cared for his family.

And that infuriates me.
And leaves scars on more people than just me.

There is no excuse.
None.
Especially when you know someone who's died young and left a family behind.

Please know that I am not pointing fingers at any of you here, or your spouse.
I'm talking about people I know ...... who now know better.
And still have done nothing.

I've talked to some of them until I'm blue in the face.
I can only do so much.  Then it's up to them.
And it's between them.

But I can do something.
I can make sure that if something happens to one of my children, and he/she becomes seriously ill or injured, their spouse will have enough support to get the help that is needed.
I can make sure that if one of my children dies way before their time, their spouse will receive some financial support to continue caring for their children and themselves.
At least I can do that.

I can make sure that the love and support Jim had for us and for our future, is carried on to them and their families.
I can make sure that my future son/daughter in laws are not left with a burden.

I wish I could do the same for my friends.
And for some of my family.
So that they will be forever blessed.
And not forever scarred.