Less than a decade, more than a lifetime.

July 19, 2003

It's always been a hard reality for me to swallow that I never got a full decade with Jeremy. Something about that round number made me feel even more like I got robbed.

I started dating Jeremy shortly after I turned 20. He died when I was 28 - I never got to celebrate turning 20 or 30 with him. Just inside a decade.

A few weeks ago, Jeremy and I would have been married 10 years. It kills me that I'll never celebrate that milestone with him. The funny thing is, I've never seen our wedding video. I've had the tape sitting in my purse for more than 2 years, waiting to remember to take it in to convert it to DVD. I finally remembered to drop it off awhile back.

On July 19th, our 10th anniversary, I received a call that my wedding video was finished.

I finally have the DVD to watch....the day of our wedding. And yet, I can't seem to bring myself to watch it yet. I've been waiting to watch this thing for 10 years, and used to complain to Jer all the time that we'd never seen it, and now that I have it - I can't do it. Something too final about it all now. Part of it may be that just hearing his voice generally makes me tear up instantly. Part of it is that I'm not ready to close yet another door. Part of it is fear that it won't be nearly as magical as I remember it....and I'd like to hold on to that magic.

I don't know when I'll get around to finally watching the video. Too much of me has to know that I won't be able to keep it at bay for too long. Too much of me aches to see his face in motion...and that look in his eye when he looks at me that can drop me to my knees - undeniable love. Too much of me wants to fill in the holes of my memory to renew that day in my heart once again to hold on to the preciousness of it. Too much of me wants the reminder that even though I never got a decade with Jeremy, I got more than a lifetime.

Would I still be your Valentine?

source

Jeremy was never big on Valentine's day.

He didn't hate it. We didn't ban it. He just wasn't overly romantic. He tried to be, and did some very sweet things, but most of the time we were too broke to really do anything anyway. And yet, on this Hallmark holiday celebrating love, it brings those little moments rushing back as if it were a big deal. Cause he was a big deal to me. 

Our first Valentine's, while we were still dating, I cut up hundreds of hearts and wrote different reasons why I loved him on each one. Every year after that, I re-used them in different ways, and would add more reasons why I loved him in the mix. I was thinking today that I'm not sure what I would add this year, because he's not evolving or changing anymore, I love him for all the same reasons. He is and forever will be the 31 year old, handsome and strong husband and father in my eyes. But then it also made me realize how much I have evolved and changed since then, and pieces of me that Jeremy will never get to see. And it made me wonder if he would love the girl I am now.

I don't love the way I used to. I'm more careful with it, but I also cherish it so much more. I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I actually enjoy cooking (who would have thought?!), and I know how to maintain a household pretty well on my own. I'm scared of things I didn't used to be scared of, and unafraid of things that used to terrify me. My support system has changed, my friends aren't the same. My priorities have shifted. My dreams and goals have evolved. Would you still love this version of me that has been beaten, broken down, and built back together?

Of course, I know the answer. Even though I'm not the same girl I was before he died, I know that essentially, emerging from grief has forced me to be a better version of myself....probably the version that Jeremy always saw in me. And even though I've grown for the better, I'm still me. I'm still the girl who has to sleep on the left side of the bed, who tries to please people too much, who quotes Friends in my head on a daily basis and then hears his laughter in the back of my head affirming how funny I am. I'm still the girl who wants Faith and Caleb to love the things their daddy loved, who cries at nearly every movie, and who holds onto all the precious and unforgettable quirks that he had. I'm still the girl terrified of fish, loves all things cotton candy, rollercoasters, pink, and slurpees. I'm still the girl that wants to tell our story. I'll always be that girl.

Yes, I am still convinced that no matter how much time separates us, no matter how much change comes between us, I would still be your Valentine.

I'm Keeping a Decent Beat ......

                                                                    source

...... with the Death March.

In fact, I've been surprised at how upbeat my beat has been.
Finally.

No, the month is not over ...... and I've learned to never assume anything on this path ..... to never take anything for granted.

Which has turned out to be a very good lesson.
Nothing is guaranteed.
We all know that.

So I will enjoy this day.
And hope for more to enjoy tomorrow.
Even if the beat of the Death March drones on.
At the moment, it's the background noise in my head ..... not the first think I'm aware of each day.
And that's a first.

I'm sure it's helped that I went out of town with a bunch of girlfriends and we had a blast.
I think it also helped that I have decided to move somewhere exciting and new ...... for at least one half of the year.
When I was looking at apartments last week, I didn't wonder what Jim would think.  I didn't feel bad that Jim wasn't there.
Truth be told ...... I didn't think about Jim, and this move, all that much.
And I think that's a very good thing.

I need to go somewhere the 2 of us didn't live together.
I need to start somewhere new ....... someplace where no one knows Jim.
Someplace where I will only be known as me, Janine ...... and not as Jim's widow.
I can't wait.

None of this means that I'll forget him.
No freakin' way.
None of it means that I'm moving on without him.
But I am moving forward with my life ...... and he'll always be with me.

It doesn't make me miss him any less.
It just helps me to feel hopeful about the future ...... and all that I may find in front of me.
Hopeful.
And thankful.

And that's huge.