Saturday, July 30, 2011

But To

"He'd want you to keep on living." "He'd want you to be happy."

Oh, how those remarks we're scalpels to my ears when Michael first died. But, they kept coming, mouth after mouth, stranger after family member.

"But to live is to do something he can no longer do?!"

"But to be happy is to make the world believe our love no longer runs through my veins?!"

I remember those being my silent responses heard only in my brain.

4 years later and I see that my thoughts were the complete opposite. Time wiped away the preconceived notions built up in my broken mind and heart.

I'm alive. I'm happy. I've learned. I've created my rules.

But to live is to do something he would do anything to do once more, and I shall fulfill that for him.

But to be happy is to show the world just how deeply our eternal love continues to run through my veins.


  1. Dear Taryn,
    Thank you for this post. I come to this blog almost everyday and sometimes twice a day. Why? Because the comments and experiences noted here by both bloggers and guests have helped me make it through the last nine months.
    But this week, I was thinking - maybe there is something wrong with me that I still hope. It made me doubt myself, was I living in denial? Was I burying my monumental grief because I dared to imagine love - somewhere - someday? Was I bad widow because I said it aloud?

    People have said those same things to me, no doubt all of us. Maybe because my love said it to me, those words hold more weight. I remember sobbing telling him I would die a little every day I lived and he did not and that I would spend everyday waiting to see him again.
    The look of shock and despair on his face after I said that was painful and is to this day - he pleaded with me not to waste my life.

    My husband was dying for over a year - he told me many times that he would give anything to live, that the worst part of dying was leaving me behind, but that if I gave up my life because he died it would have all been a waste, all of our beautiful years. During the darkest nights, when I have had moments to contemplate not living, I remember his words.

    It is important that everyone who comes to this site say how they truly feel. The feeling of no, never, ever love again - came to me many times but mostly during the last year of his dying. Now he is gone, I can't imagine living another 25 years? without love. He was wiser than I could ever be.

    Taryn, this blog entry gave me hope. A hope that was slipping when I started to feel that perhaps I was wrong to want love again. When you wrote "but to be happy is to make the world believe our love no longer runs through my veins?!"
    I realized, that's it! The fear of judgment. The fear that to love means others will think our love was less than it was. That I am not grieving if I keep living.

    When you wrote "I'm alive. I'm happy. I've learned. I've created my rules."
    It was like finding a light in the dark.

    Thank you.

  2. thank you for this post. it is so true. those words were like arrows thru my heart in the early years after he died...i too now know differently...i love "eternal love running through my veins" such a lovely and moving tribute to those we have lost...

  3. Taryn,
    Your words are just what I needed this week. It has been four years for me too but I am not there yet. There are times we just need to change our thinking and your post reminded me of that.

    "But to live is to do something he would do anything to do once more, and I shall fulfill that for him."
    ~ I love this! Very true and again, a great reminder that I need to change my thinking and to live!

  4. My husband has been dead for almost 3yrs, and it has been a brutal loss for me after a long term marriage and he is the love of my life. I have lived alone since he died and have hated it. But I am taking a new step that softens the blow of losing my spouse. I am moving close to my son in another state to help he and his wife raise their newborn daughter. We had 2 boys, so a girl is so special for me. I am so excited about my decision. I was there when she was born and bonded with her during her first 2 weeks.
    I spent 2 1/2 years mourning my husband, and now is time for me to move on. I will always love him and he will always be in my heart, but I am moving on to a new life and it feels so exciting!And I am positive that he is very happy with my decision:)

  5. Taryn- you expressed what I've been trying to make sense of for 2 years. He would have done anything to live, so you will do it FOR him. Your love was so deep that you will continue to express it to the world. That helps me so much. Thank you.