Saturday, March 31, 2012

Calm Before

It's almost April!

When the heck did that happen?

In about a month it will be May and in May I will have been without my love for 5 years.

Blows my mind.

At this time 5 years ago, he had just surprised me with a 2 week R&R from Iraq.

On April 9th I would kiss him goodbye...and now, 5 years later, I have to wait a bit longer than expected for one more...but, on the brink of this "milestone", my heart is quiet, my eyes dry, and my pride and love for him at an all time high.

It could be the calm before some storm....but it may not.

You never know.

In the past it has been the anticipation leading up to the date that is the most miserable, and I think, for once, I'm pulling up my sails, throwing on the life jacket, and ready to ride this storm...and I know I can survive it.

I don't know where time has gone, but in the nearly five years I've seen the pain and suffering be replaced with contentment and smiles. There were times where I didn't want to accept that that was feasible, but now I'm proud to know I've been able to do so...for him...for me.

I wish I had more to say or share, but there's just calm right now...balance...and sometimes I don't quite know what to do without, other than just accept it for whatever time being, and keep the rain coat tucked away for another day.

I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott


  1. Hope just floated in on the calm of this email.

    At 16 months . . . I thank you for reminding us it is possible.
    Thank you so much.

  2. Taryn,
    I am just the same and I wonder if that's how it is for everyone else. The few weeks before any big milestone or event are the worst for me emotionally. Then I seem to be able to face that day calmly. My husband died 2 years and 8 months ago yesterday. Not suddenly or violently but after a 4 year battle with cancer. Our circumstances (yours and mine) were so different and each brings very different memories, flash backs and regrets. But death was the final outcome and that unites all of us. Anyway, sorry to ramble on. What I really want to say is that I'm already starting to feel more calm, less miserable, more hopeful.
    I just want everyone reading this to know that life is getting more liveable for me also and that it will happen to them. Be patient with yourselves, take good care, remember the joy, cast out the regrets. You will be able to do this.

  3. Taryn you are amazing and inspiring. You have taken your pain, your devastating loss and helped others along the path of grief. God bless you. You are an angel on this earth. Thanks for your posts. I'm happy to hear that you have reached a sense of calm at this time. I know there are no real demarkations on this path. At my stage (almost 18 months) I still don't know when the grief will erupt and throw me off course but I have some tools for coping and one of them is reading the posts on WV. lots of love to you