Tuesday, March 6, 2012

A very bad day

Last week marked two years since I was widowed.

It was not a good week.....worse than I could have imagined. ....
I arrived at school on February 29 to the news that one of my tiny little students had lost her father in a car accident the night before.
I did not cope well.

So I hope you'll forgive the repost of my own blog entry for March 1 ..... a letter to my husband....

2 years.

Two whole years that simultaneously feel like two minutes and two centuries.

The fog and numbness have gone this time – it’s just pure loneliness and loss this year: I miss you so badly.
I took the day off work …. I got some raised eyebrows when I did this, but thankfully not from my boss. (He is an odd boss – simultaneously infuriating and marvellous).
Plus I needed it after yesterday

I took the kids to visit your grave.  Finally.  They haven’t been since you were buried.  I haven’t been because I don’t think you are there…..

I didn’t expect the reaction they had.
H cried.
K was quiet.
They sang a song in the car on the way “Our Daddy died on the first of March.  It’s the first of march today”.

They brought some stones they had decorated and carefully placed them on your (our) headstone.
…and we put in a solar light with a dragonfly on it.
Then we left.

I feel completely wrung out.
Too much sadness around me.
....and missing you more than ever.

I long to lay my head on your chest and fall asleep in your arms.
...and feel safe again.
even if only for a minute.

We miss you.
We love you.


  1. Yes . . . I understand.

  2. Amanda, what a brave, honest and heartfelt post! I cried as my second "anniversary" will be on March 8th. These past few days I have felt incredible sadness in my heart and I, too, will not work on that day - regardless of what others may think. (Why isn't she over this....) Additionally, I know the feeling well of "two minutes" and at the same time "two centuries".

    You did so well taking your children to the grave and placing the decorated rocks on the headstone.

    Thank you for sharing yourself! Hugs!

  3. Amanda,
    I am crying with you. Your experience is STILL SO RAW at only 2 LONG years. From what I have experienced at 4 years, each year, each holiday, each new day is different than the one before. Sometimes easier, sometimes lighter, sometimes darker but NEVER harder than the earlier years.
    I'm sending you and all our widowed peeps PEACE as we travel this journey TOGETHER!

  4. I cried when I read your post. Why? Because in two weeks I will have been a widow for 2 years and while others think I should be over things by now, you and I both know the truth. I may never be over it. Never. Everything you said, my own heart says. It has become my experience that only widows understand other widows. We will grieve our losses together and understand that grief may last a lifetime in one form or another. Blessings, Sandy

  5. I too have recently gone through the two year mark. I found the second year almost more unbearable than the first. Not as many tears but more loneliness and more sadness. I wish you all peace on this journey.

  6. For me it will be two years on June 28th. My youngest daughter and oldest granddaughter tell me they didn't just lose "Dad" but me as well; if only that were true. We were very young when we met and certainly had our ups and downs over the 40 some odd years but there was always tomorrow until there wasn't. People tell me to get over it and move on; move on to where? We were Soulmates, even though we had our children and grandchildren, it was always each other that we wanted the most. How do you get over kissing him goodbye in the morning and getting a call that afternoon that he is gone? I'm mad at him for leaving me and I'm mad at myself for being mad at him. Do I survive the rest of my life on pills to help me get through each day; because without them I know I could not get survive the pain and loneliness. By brother-in-law tells me I need to start getting out, why. I see couples and I recent that they have each other; which on my less fog-filled days I know is not right but that doesn't change it. There was a time in my life when I thought losing a child was the hardest thing I would ever have to endure, I was wrong. I dream and sometimes they are so real that I can't wait to wake up and see him, then I wake up and life turns back into the waking nightmare. I do have decent days but never one without wishing I could touch him once more, laugh with him once more and yes, even fight with him once more.

    Thank you for listening.