Wednesday, November 5, 2014

My Heart



My heart is raw. It breaks open easily. It doesn't take much. Another memory of the life I lost when Mike died. Another tragic story from another new member of our terrible club. Another heartbreak from a fellow widow having made the effort to find new love and life and been hurt. Another day of pain and sadness in a friend's ongoing attempt to move forward without a beloved partner. Another outcry from a wounded fellow traveler. Another experience of the unfair circumstances that befall any and each of us as survivors.

My heart is broken. I am broken. We are broken.

But I couldn't have made it this far without my comrades in arms. I wouldn't be here, standing, without being part of this community. Without sharing the hurt and pain. Without reading, listening, hugging, grieving, crying, hoping, and yes, even laughing at times, together. Without the common struggle.


I sometimes envision us all standing together in a wide open field. Soft green grass; flowers as pinpricks of color swaying in the warm sun far as we can see, their sweet perfume tingling and lingering. Azure skies with bright, puffy cotton clouds overhead, and a few trees on the outskirts calling their rooted cries of life while we cling together arm in arm - hundreds, thousands, millions of us, holding each other up as we wail into the wind our deepest pain and agony. As we exchange tears, smiles, stories, hugs...as we share that profound experience of the joy of being alive amidst the misery of death leaving us behind.

For what else is life? A solid structure of emotion, color, and landscape. Of hunger, bitterness, loss, love, pain, friendship and beauty, all at the same time, until we go, finally, to whatever place it is our loves have gone.

My heart is open.

14 comments:

  1. Beautiful, thank you. Your vision describes our "grief in common" perfectly.

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    1. Thank you Glenn. I know you'd be there too...

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  3. dear Stephanie,

    what you have written so soulfully and eloquently really touches my heart. it also helps erase a vision of communal grieving I imagined while in a state of angst and bitterness, likening widowhood to leprosy, and thought a place like Molokai would at lease be somewhere we could be understood and not feel like such a blight on everyday society. GAH! straight from Crazy Town! thank you for saving me from ever having to re-visit THAT thought!

    your post is so rife with beauty and truth, flowing with lyrical poetry, that vision of the field...and today I will join you there, inspired by your words of gratitude and an open heart.

    much love to you, My Friend,

    Karen oxo

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    1. Communal grieving...yes! Thank you Karen. Love to you too.

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  4. Thank you for your post today. I so agree with you. We are definitely part of a wonderful and understanding community . I always read the daily posts from all the writers at "Widowed Voices" and so often, the message so closely mirrors what I am feeling. It definitely makes me feel less alone.

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    1. Couldn't do it otherwise. I so appreciate everyone. Thank you Ruthie.

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  5. Stephanie ~ I cannot tell you how beautifully you have captured what has been going on in my broken heart for the last eleven years. We are all in a club that we have been forced into by fate. Our choices were made for us, forcing us to accept the unacceptable. Thank you for sharing your vision of this community as we each move forward together -- yet alone.

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  6. I'm with you ... don't know how I would get through this devastating loss of the love of my life without all the writers on this site... It is six months today and I never thought I would be alive at this point... but thanks to all of you, I'm still here.

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    1. It is an amazing community. What a gift. Thank you for commenting, blessings to you.

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