the goodmans arrived
for our third
annual trip to celebrate
my wedding anniversary.
while we waited
for them to arrive
i watched maddy
try to drive
my car,
play with some
bamboo sticks,
and pick the flowers
in our yard.
as she played
i thought about
liz
and the fact
that i had two
wedding anniversaries with
her, and now
three without her.
it just didn't
seem possible.
there was our child
playing in the yard,
just as
liz
pictured it.
fuck.
***
the next day
we were all on
our way to central california.
maddy entertained
us the entire way
her new favorite thing?
to hear stories
with her as the
main character.
we all laughed
our asses off
as she would yell,
"talk about the maddy"
at the end of
each story.
grandma candee and
grandpa tom tell me
that this is
in the genes...
liz
used to sit on
a swing, yelling,
"somebody push me!"
let me translate both
phrases for you.
"pay attention to me!"
i love to see
those personality traits
coming through, even
though the only
time they had
time together was
while maddy was in
the womb.
along the way,
we made an
unplanned stop.
as soon as we
turned into the
lookout point,
i recognized the place...
we had been
here a few years earlier.
almost exactly four
years ago.
i had just returned
from india,
just in time for
our first wedding anniversary.
and we headed up
to the santa ynez valley
to visit the wineries.
along the way,
we had stopped here.
in this very place.
instantly recalled from
the depths of
my mind,
the photo of
liz.
double fuck.
we were parked
and we took some photos.
soon we were
back in the car
and on our way,
but i couldn't
help but think of
that time
four years earlier.
i just wish i could
remember more of it.
I feel your pain. Here is a big hug!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry, bro. It ain't easy.
ReplyDeleteSuch a very hard trip - I admire you for making it, for taking your daughter to the places that mean so much to you, and which are so painful to revisit. I'm still avoiding most of the places that were important to my husband and me - I don't have the courage face them alone.
ReplyDelete*hugs* to you and your beautiful daughter.
I couldn't bear to spend our first Thanksgiving w/o my husband going to the same place we went every year--Big Cedar Lodge, just outside of Branson, Missouri. I booked a cruise to the Caribbean to take my 9 & 13 year old. We had a great time. It was something we had never done with our children so we created new memories. I am glad I did it but equally glad when we were able to return to Big Cedar Lodge a year later, this time introducing my sister and her husband to the place we all so loved. We could talk more easily about the fun times we had with our family in all the previous years we had been there but pull in new memories with my sister and brother-in-law to make it less painful.
ReplyDeleteFor the first anniversary of his death, however, I knew I could not stay in town so I packed my children up and went to Europe, something my husband would never have done. Once again, we created new memories for our new family of three. I know this was now "escaping" the inevitable, facing the fact that this marvelous man, who had always made our lives so exciting would never be a part of our trips and in some ways, I put off our ability to grieve his loss. I continued to avoid holidays with alternatives until we couldn't afford it anymore and four years later, we all crashed and burned, starting with my teenage daughter. I think you did the right thing, going back to a place that was important to you, early on.