Thursday, August 26, 2010

another anniversary.

on august 11th

the goodmans arrived

for our third

annual trip to celebrate

my wedding anniversary.

while we waited

for them to arrive

i watched maddy

try to drive

my car,

trying to drive my car.

play with some

bamboo sticks,

maddy with an apple on a stick.

and pick the flowers

in our yard.

picking flowers.

maddy with flower.

as she played

i thought about

liz

and the fact

that i had two

wedding anniversaries with

her, and now

three without her.

it just didn't

seem possible.

there was our child

playing in the yard,

just as

liz

pictured it.

fuck.

***

the next day

we were all on

our way to central california.

heading north.

maddy entertained

us the entire way



her new favorite thing?

to hear stories

with her as the

main character.

we all laughed

our asses off

as she would yell,

"talk about the maddy"

at the end of

each story.

grandma candee and

grandpa tom tell me

that this is

in the genes...

liz

used to sit on

a swing, yelling,

"somebody push me!"

let me translate both

phrases for you.

"pay attention to me!"

i love to see

those personality traits

coming through, even

though the only

time they had

time together was

while maddy was in

the womb.

along the way,

we made an

unplanned stop.

as soon as we

turned into the

lookout point,

i recognized the place...

mountains.

we had been

here a few years earlier.

almost exactly four

years ago.

i had just returned

from india,

just in time for

our first wedding anniversary.

and we headed up

to the santa ynez valley

to visit the wineries.

along the way,

we had stopped here.

in this very place.

instantly recalled from

the depths of

my mind,

the photo of

liz.

liz.

double fuck.

we were parked

and we took some photos.

in the trees.

with brookie.

with daddy.

with my girl.

i was here before.

soon we were

back in the car

and on our way,

but i couldn't

help but think of

that time

four years earlier.

i just wish i could

remember more of it.

4 comments:

  1. I feel your pain. Here is a big hug!

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  2. Such a very hard trip - I admire you for making it, for taking your daughter to the places that mean so much to you, and which are so painful to revisit. I'm still avoiding most of the places that were important to my husband and me - I don't have the courage face them alone.

    *hugs* to you and your beautiful daughter.

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  3. I couldn't bear to spend our first Thanksgiving w/o my husband going to the same place we went every year--Big Cedar Lodge, just outside of Branson, Missouri. I booked a cruise to the Caribbean to take my 9 & 13 year old. We had a great time. It was something we had never done with our children so we created new memories. I am glad I did it but equally glad when we were able to return to Big Cedar Lodge a year later, this time introducing my sister and her husband to the place we all so loved. We could talk more easily about the fun times we had with our family in all the previous years we had been there but pull in new memories with my sister and brother-in-law to make it less painful.
    For the first anniversary of his death, however, I knew I could not stay in town so I packed my children up and went to Europe, something my husband would never have done. Once again, we created new memories for our new family of three. I know this was now "escaping" the inevitable, facing the fact that this marvelous man, who had always made our lives so exciting would never be a part of our trips and in some ways, I put off our ability to grieve his loss. I continued to avoid holidays with alternatives until we couldn't afford it anymore and four years later, we all crashed and burned, starting with my teenage daughter. I think you did the right thing, going back to a place that was important to you, early on.

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