Fear is the voice in your head that tells you things are impossible, the doubts that creep into your mind when you're up late and the kids are asleep, the voice that tells you that hope is for patsies. Fear is not an emotion that I experience very often. It's not in my make-up. Call it ignorance, call it bravado, there isn't much that makes me afraid. Until recently.
Recently, I've begun to see possibilities. Recently, I've begun to feel hope and contentment. In an ordinary life, this would be positive, great even....in my life, this is cause for alarm. Fear, the voice in my head, is whispering not-so-sweet nothings to me. Fear tells me that when things are good, bad things happen. Fear tells me to get ready for disappointment, be prepared for the shit to hit the fan. I am not a pessimist, and so Fear's message doesn't fully penetrate. I believe that things can be good, and I believe that my life IS good now.
Fear is powerful though and at times, late at night when I'm alone, Fear gets a foot-hold. I hear the voice and for a moment or two I doubt. It's painful. I hate it. Fear takes me back five years to a place where darkness like I've never experienced entered my life, and I am terrified to invite that possibility back into my life. If I am alone forever, I'll never experience that kind of loss again. Alone, in a way, is safe. Alone, I am insulated from that kind of hurt. I will not be left alone. If I am alone now, I am alone by choice. Even to me it 's clear that I have control issues ;)
I've already said that there isn't much that makes me afraid. I've recently realized that there is an exception or two to this. Although I like to think of myself as relatively light in the baggage department, I am beginning to find a few pieces of luggage here and there. This is one of them.
Will I let it drive my choices? No.
Will I have to overcome the doubts created by Fear? Yes.
How will I do it? Hell if I know. But I will.
I can have happiness without fear of it going away, I know I can. I just have to be brave enough to reach out and grab it with both hands.
Happy Tuesday - Michelle D.
I think anyone who has lost someone dear to them lives with fear. Now I often feel fear to let my 17 year old drive for fear I might lose her in a car accident. Often because they are close my 14 year old wants to drive with her in the car. In my mind I hesitate. Could i stand to loss my whole world again? It's funny, because unlike you I fear never being in love with someone, in the back of my mind I think he should be younger so I go first. Silly and illogical, but what happened to us never makes sense anyway. So I think it's not uncommon for our sense of security to be altered, but this is probably what will help us to appreciate the great wonderful, unexpected things that happen to us in life, also. I think you are right that we must live for our hopes not our fears, because with hope is a much more powerful way to live.
ReplyDeleteWow, I hadn't really thought about choosing to be alone as a control issue for me - but in reality, it probably is. I am a control freak from WAY back. I have also fallen lately into the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" mentality and I don't like it. Thanks for giving me lots to ponder over.
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