Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Would I Be a Better Spouse ....

.... the second time around?

After pondering this a bit .... I have to be honest.
And say yes.

Don't get me wrong .... I don't think I was a bad wife. Not at all.
Jim and I had a fantastic relationship. We loved each other more with each year that passed.
I knew that we had a better marriage .... or at least seemed happier .... than many people I knew.
We were each other's first love and I constantly felt blessed to have him in my life.
Of course we had our moments, and our struggles, but we were a team.

But even the best teams can sometimes take things for granted.
And even the best team mates can get irritated over the "little things".
But when things are going well, the best teams don't consider the possibility that the team could one day be torn apart.

If I were to marry again, though it hurts a bit to admit it, I'd be a better wife.

Because now I know .....

.... how to let the "little things" go.
.... how to not get irritated by things that used to irritate me.
.... that a wonderful relationship is nothing to be taken for granted.
.... that we can be enjoying life one day .... and grieving the next.
.... that no matter what we think, we really aren't in charge.
.... who my true friends are.
.... that a broken heart .... will not kill you (no matter how much you wish it would).
.... what it is to miss human touch.
.... what it is to miss sex.
.... what it is like to go without sex for a very long time.
.... that life is way too short to spend more than 30 minutes mad at someone.
.... that when someone, or something, crosses my path .... I'm going to pay attention.

And I know that I have to live each day as it comes, as fully as possible, one day at a time .... because there is no guarantee of a next year, or next week .... or tomorrow.

These are just a few of the things that I now know .... things that widowhood has taught me.
These are just a few of the things that will make me a better wife, if I were to marry again.

But I also know this .... if I never marry again .... I'll be OK.
Because I now know that I can do anything.
Pretty much.

What are some of the things you now know?


  1. beautiful Janine. I love this post. Words of wisdom and experience ...

  2. I am glad that you posted this.. I as beginning to wonder if I was the only one thinking about "if i ever marry again." It is hard to think about sharing your life with someone other than my deceased husband. I don't ever want to but I don't want to be alone and miserable for the rest of my life. It is a very hard subject to wrap your head around!

  3. I know that I get strength from your posts!
    Thank you.

  4. I could not agree with you more. At my husbands memorial service, one of the things I spoke of was how people should never take the little things people do for you for granted, because those are the things I missed the most like having someone make your tea or coffee in the morning, conversations about everyday things and even doing unpleasant task together like going to the landfil. I do believe that when I marry again I will be a more appreciative wife, even though I still feel I did a pretty good job the first time.

  5. Hi Janine.

    It's funny, because prior to meeting my husband Michael, I had decided that having that type of relationship just wasn't in the cards for me, so I stopped trying so hard. Now that I have had a good relationship, I don't know if I can be as happy without one.

    Now I know what it is to love and be loved. Now I know what it is like to sleep next to the one you love night after night. Now I know the landscape of another's body as well as my own.

    Would I be a better husband the second time around? Most definitely.

    Excellent post.

  6. I have to second Dan. I was single until my mid-30's and to a point where I was okay with that. After my first husband died though I knew that single would never hold a candle to married again. Married was just better.

    I am a better wife this second time around. It stands to reason that I would apply all the things I learned the first time and put them to good use.

  7. I think about this all the time, and I'm glad to read it here. Like you, I believe that my marriage was one of the better ones, but I wish I could have given my husband the woman I've become because he died.

  8. Oh gosh. What a knot I have in my stomach and how guilty I feel that my husband and I haven't spoken in over a week and I don't know how to fix it. I'll never have that week back again. Someday I'm sure I'll pray that I could. Why am I so stupid and prideful?

    Beautiful post. Thanks.

  9. I am new to the Widow's Voice and let me just tell you I feel like I really found something here. I am a widow now going on 6 months and this is really what I needed so thank you so much for sharing these thoughts with us. I thought I was the only one that had all of these built up emotions and thoughts and it is so wonderful to know that I am normal in a widow sort of way. Great post.

  10. Oh Janine... These words REALLY 'hit home'... I feel so blessed to be able to read, and listen in to, your thoughts... Thank you for being so open and honest!

    And @Jill... While I know that I was a wonderful wife to 'My Rick', I, too, would give anything if he could have been married to the woman that I've become since he died (she amazes me sometimes)... I KNOW that he would be soooo proud of me though!