Last week was the first week of school. Grayson started the 5th grade and is currently enjoying his "senior" status on the elementary school campus. As usual we had our first day ritual, a leisurely breakfast followed by a whirlwind final check of the backpack and self-conscious wardrobe review to check for "coolness". Last year we walked to school with Grayson's cousin. This year, his cousin is on the Safety Patrol, and Grayson was too cool to walk to school with me. I wasn't allowed to walk him in either. A quick drop-off at the curb was what he wanted, and I obliged his 10-year old sensibilities.
The first day of school is always hard for me. The first day of a new school year marks the speedy passage of time, and reminds me each year that Grayson is growing up so fast, and only experienced that day once with his Dad. We took Grayson to kindergarten together, and Daniel amazed and awed the kindergarten class with his new electorlarynx (electronic voicebox, his had been removed surgically in cancer treatment). Fortunately they were all still young enough to think it was uber-cool, and Grayson had instant kindergarten cachet. :)
Five years have passed since the only "first day" of school we celebrated as a family. Five years later for me, the emotions haven't changed. As I watched him move up the walk towards the school doors, I was so proud of him. Yet, so sad for him and for us. These are the days that I am most aware of what the two of them are missing in each other. These are the days that kick me in the gut. I drove away from the school with tears in my eyes. I'm so sad that Daniel isn't here to experience the joy of being a part of Grayson's life. I don't care how great heaven is, I know he'd rather be here - dropping him off at school, talking to him about girls, playing one-on-one in the driveway.
Unfortunately, he's not with him. For whatever reason or twist of fate, I am. I'm so very grateful to be in Grayson's life and so thankful for all the people in our lives who love us. It doesn't make it "all better", but it does make it easier.
Happy Tuesday - Michelle D.
This really hits home as I am 11 months out and the 1st day of Kindergarten is coming for our oldest. I have to face it 2 more times after too. Wow thanks for this blog it was what I needed tonight, The kids and I went to an open house for our school before starting first day and my son asked if his was the only dad that was not there tonight! Its so hard, and it helps to know that 5 years later tears are still there. Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteThis post speaks to my heart, because I personally know how many first will come and my daughter's will long for their dad, because I lost mine at 23. They are both in high school and were at least lucky enough to have him for all the previous years. But I too also feel a sense of sadness and he should be here. It is good to know I am not alone in feeling this way so I am not crazy.
ReplyDeleteI am sending a prayer your way...I stumbled on your blog and it is wonderful....I too lost my husband while to trying to find ways to honor my first wedding anniverdary without him...It's been seven months. Its not fair that we have to be strong but for some reason we were entrusted with the children's lives. God must think we are amazing!! My son started his junior year this year and walked onto a football field for the first time ever at 6 ft 1, a place where his father recieved all state and legend status..so bittersweet. They say his has the best seat in the house... I want him sitting beside me. You are amazing Michelle...have a blessed day and I hope your son has a wonderful year in his new classroom!!!
ReplyDeleteLike Denise who posted above, we are also 11 months from the loss of my boys' dad. The start of my middle son's 1st grade last week brought up such similar feelings to those you expressed. My heart aches. I hurt for him, for us, for his dad who would so much prefer to be here with us, for you and your family, and for everyone who is also traveling this path. I went to back to school night last night. The kids had been asked to write about themselves. My son wrote (with much more creative spelling), "I am 6. My dad died. I am sad. I have a bird. I love her. At least I still have my mom. My older brother's name..." Sending you all a big hug! Thanks for writing.
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