Saturday, August 21, 2010

Losing Me

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.


I remember the day. It was two months after Michael was killed and I found myself sitting on our big red chair, laptop in hand. Tears welled up in my eyes as I scrolled through the hundreds of photos I had of Michael. It would take a moment till I finally realized what I was doing. As I passed through each picture I would only look at Michael. When I finally looked over at myself, the real pain settled in my heart. A pain that recognized that I had not only lost my soul mate, but along with him, myself.

The twinkle in my eyes, the smile on my face, the glow of having my love near-by...all those things were gone, and I felt like an empty shell staring at what it once was when a soul inhabited it.

I must say, three years later, I know that those expressions I shared in the moments where I looked up at him, kissed his lips, held his hand...those moments will never be recreated, as they were exclusive to the man that unearthed them from the person I was before his love came into my life. Yet on another note, as I've healed, as I've grasped back onto the core or who Taryn is, I've learned to once again love the life that still is before me. New expressions are exposed...expressions of love, laughter, happiness, and contentment.

I no longer mourn the loss of the person I was when Michael was alive. I can look at those same photos that once brought me tears and smile reminiscing over the feelings I felt at that very moment, feelings that manifested out of the rubble in a new form, shaped to the life I never thought I'd have, the life I will look back on in photographs with happiness...happiness over the person I once was, the person I became, and the person I continue to court on this strange, alien yet beautiful, life I call my own.


  1. 2 years out I can't say I have reached that point yet...good for you!

  2. I ache to be at your stage of grief.

  3. "No matter where you go, there you are" was the bumper sticker on Art's car.

    I like this new alien person I am becoming too. It's odd, disconcerting and comforting all in the same breath. Good to know that I have more of it coming my way.

  4. This is exactly how I have felt this summer as I've reached two years. I feel like I have taken my life back and it's been transforming. I am the same girl I always was, and yet I am so different. I know my husband would be so proud. Well said.

  5. Thank you all for taking the time to read.

    For those that haven't yet reached this point, know that it will come. For me, it was learning to not swim against the current we call our new life, that allowed the tiny rays of light to peak through.

    Lift up your arms and float with the current. Easier said then done, but it'll happen. You have true love on your side <3


  6. This week will be the one year anniversary of my husbands death. I feel so alone. I look at pictures of us taken two weeks before he was killed and see a stranger. That face doesn't yet know her life is about to be shattered. The hike we were on would be our very last.I yearn for happiness to last more than minutes. I wish for even one day without tears of sorrow. Thankyou for sharing hope. I am working so hard to become someone new and whole again.I won't give up! Cheryl

  7. You write so beautifully and describe your feeling so well Taryn. My husband died on the 26th January and I too feel that I have lost myself, I don't even look the same, i sometimes look at myself in the mirror and think who is that girl! I see no life in my eyes, i feel guilty for my kids don't deserve a lifeless mother, but I am gone. I still laugh for my kids sake but i know its not that carefree, all is right with the world laugh. 'They' say "grief changes you, and we get to decide if it changes us for better or for good".