Friday, June 10, 2011

a choice

Photo from here....

I spend a lot of time loathing what has "become" of my life. Ruminating over the "before" and "after". Taking stock of the injustice of losing my beloved so early in my life. Wishing life now was different.
But when I imagine having a life that was so dramatically different and without the pain of Jeff's death and all the repercussions from his premature expiration date, I realize that I have erased him and all the good things as well. No memories of dancing slowly to Van Morrison in the wheel house of his boat to remember. No birth of our children to hold dear. No ripples of laughter shared when telling the stories of our life together.
And although it is and has been hard and painful, I realize that I would do it again. If I had the choice to go back knowing how soon it would all be over, I would still go back. I would relive every special, annoying, sweet, loving and funny moment if only I could spend it again....with full knowledge that he would be gone too soon.
I would choose him....and this life over and over again.....


  1. I love the photo/quote, Jackie, and your post. While I am grateful I had 41 years with my love ... it still wasn't enough. And even though the last 5 years were especially difficult - I, too, would do it all again just to have him here with me. Bless you.

  2. Yes! Me too
    Beautiful post, beautiful picture
    Thank you, Jackie

  3. I wouldn't miss a second of our short time together. We only found each other eight years ago-married for five. Garth Brooks has an amazing song that speaks of this, called "The Dance". I listen to it every day. Thank you for the post. Tom S. IL

  4. Thank you........Your words resonate with me. Even knowing what hell on earth my life would be now that my husband died, I would do it all over again and again. Even if for just one single day. Oh the pain!

  5. I agree totally, In a heart beat I'd do it all again. Love the saying on the plaque. Their were many difficult times due to his illness but that challenge was always worth the fight cause at the end of the day to hold each others hands, smile at each other, look lovingly into those blue eyes and to give each other a sweet kiss. Those simple moments at the start and end of the day made everything we went thru worth it and priceless the good and the bad. I'd take those days over and wish I could no longer live these without him

  6. Yes! Tears are rolling down my cheeks. I just got my husband's Harley out of storage and put it up for sale. Something I've procrastinated in the 246 days since he past. It made me so sad. Thank you for reminding me to be grateful for and to cherish all the memories. I would definitely do it all again.

  7. Exactly....It is like I wrote it myself. Thank you for the gentle reminder. Hugs.

  8. Me too. We only had 3 years and 3 months, but I would do again in a heartbeat. There are lyrics in a song by Sara Groves that helped me: "She lost her husband after sixty years, and as he slipped away she still had things to say". Listening to that made me realize that no matter how much time we had, it would never have been enough. But I am so, so grateful that he was in my life for the time we did have.