Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A Day That Will Live ....

(I wrote this post on my blog Saturday night/Sunday morning.  Saturday, the 28th, would have been our 28th wedding anniversary.) infamy.  Or at least in history.
Our history.
Son #2 graduated tonight.
He did it.
In spite of .... so much.

On this day.
This once very happy day.

This day that used to stand for love, commitment,  the future ....
has stood for what was, and what will never be again.

Until today.
Today it stood for what can be.

I am very proud of him.
And I think Jim is, too.

This day, like all of the "big event days" .... has passed.
It is now tomorrow.

Another big day lived through.
Another day that brought tears ..... and joy.

Another day in which Jim should have been here .... by my side;  telling Son #2 how proud he is of him and how much he is loved.

A day that should have been .... so much .... more.
A day that was a day.

A day that is now a memory.
A memory of a different kind .... now.

In spite of how happy I am now, how content I have learned to become, how my future is starting to look lighter than grey ...... these "big days" wear me out.
They exhaust me.
Mentally more than physically.

They make me want to go to bed for a week .... and never leave my room.
Just for a week, but yet .... still a week.

I find myself mourning what was ....
and what should have been ....
and what will never be ....
on these days.

Yet .... on this day .... he did it.

As I always knew he could.


  1. oh that last photo janine.

  2. Janine, I was just experiencing something very similiar. My oldest daughter will be graduating and her sister is singing in the chorus. I thought of how I would be sitting at another one of these events alone, when I should be with my husband. It really brung me down low. I rallied some friends and other family members to join me and their responds was wonderful, and yet I still feel like it is not the way it should be. I am feeling better now, but it is still hard after 2years.

  3. You know Janine, I just find that so many of these days, of significance, seem to limit my full emotional response. I have to remind myself to feel the pride and joy, in spite of...

    It's not that often, at least yet, that I can get fully engulfed in the moment without quickly being hit by that painful reality. During these times I always hope that the kids don't recognize it in my face. It's not that I want to hide my emotions from them, it's that I don't want to take them there when they are in their joyful element.

    Congratulations to your son, and congratulations to both of his parents.

    Love. Dan

  4. Thank you for this post Janine.
    I do believe in each one of those moments - our lost spouses will come back to us. For when we are there, so are they. In all of the hopes for a better future, the dreams for our children and grandchildren, in the fact that we, continue to live on, despite this painful knowing.
    I too have felt that - "oh, I wish you were here".
    My husband said -" when you miss me look for me in the eyes of our children and grandchildren for you and I are there together".
    When I hug them, I also put my arms around him.
    When I am present for them I remind myself - we are present for them. Because I am now the representation of the "we" in our family.

    I know it will always be hard, nothing will take his place, nothing will stop the longing for his presence. However, I know I must carry on because his life has ended. I feel an obligation to live because he could not and desperately wished for more time.

    Congratulations on your sons graduation. He made it, because you did too!

  5. Thank you for writing this. My son, my #2 graduated in Louisville Ky. yesterday. MY husband died almost two years ago. We were happy all day, excited for his accomplishments, but a pangs of sadness were swallowed hard all day. The ceremony last two hours and afterward I anxiously waited to greet him in the lobby of the auditorium. I looked into my young man's eyes, and though he smiled he had tears in his eyes. He was sad. He missed hi father. I missed his father. I held him in arms, trying to cradle the sad out of him. But I know this is the pain we will always feels because our love was so great and he is so desperately missed. We went on to celebrate as we should wishing it could be so different.

    Congratulations and love to you and your son!

  6. Me too. My son #2 graduated on Saturday. I am always amazed to read how my life and feelings are shared by so many others. Such a crappy club we belong to! But, I am grateful and take comfort in all of you who share your grief with the rest of us. I do get so tired of other people who tell me how "strong" I am. I am not strong, I just do what I have to do.