Written 6 months after Jeff's death...
A few weeks ago, I had a dream that I was standing on a bridge looking toward the sea where a fishing boat was coming. I started calling out to it. I was calling Jeff's name. As it came closer, I could see Jeff standing on the bow waving to me. He jumped off the boat as it was about to go under the bridge and swam to me on the shore. He was laughing. He held me so close and I cried as he had me in his arms. I felt safe. I felt comfort. I felt protected. Most of all, I felt Jeff's love. I didn't want the dream to end. I was disappointed to wake and find that my life is what it now is. I need another one of those dreams. I need Jeff.
I am so lonely and lost. There are only two times in your life when you will comforted through the night when things are hard and scary. As a child, you have your parents to murmur in your ear through the nightmares. As you grow up, you must learn to comfort yourself. Then you find the person who changes your life. You wake from scary dreams or can't sleep with worry and you can turn to the person who loves you most and be comforted. I would do anything to feel Jeff's giant arm draped over my hip in the night and feel his hot breath on the back of my neck. To have him whisper in the darkness, "It's okay. I'm here, Snuggles." and pull me closer.
Instead, I wake to two little ones who look to me for assurance wrapped over me. I disentangle myself and wander through the dark house to find....nothing but more darkness. It washes over me and I want to scream. I feel like passing out or throwing up. I lay on the floor or sit with my head between my knees so that if I do faint I won't wake the kids with the thud of my body hitting the floor. No one would know. No one would come. No one could take away this pain. No one but Jeff. I want him back. I want him. I need him. I am so very lost.
Would it be weird to ask a friend to sleep in my bed with me? Just to be there when I wake. To reassure me that one day it will be okay? To hold my hand when it gets too much?
I just want some comfort. Some peace. Some sleep. And maybe if I sleep, Jeff will meet me on the other side and laugh while I cry in his arms.
Jackie
ReplyDeleteI so understand what you mean, its the comfort of holding, the touch, I am into 7 months and don't have children, so have not hugged anyone, oh I so miss my Mike, like you to care for each other to have someone hold and love.
Laurie still is in many of my dreams at almost six years. Sometimes I wake in the middle and I'm very pissed or I'm confused about when the dream ends and reality starts if that makes sense.
ReplyDelete~ barney
Oh sweet Jackie,
ReplyDeleteI wish I could reach out and just hug you, just hold you tight and let you cry. I also wish I could tell you after 896 days which is 2 years, 5 months, and 15 days since I last spoke to my Peter it's better. I have good and bad days and the bad are finally starting to become less and less. His love has been sustaining me and my friends and family just don't get it. My kids are grown and don't live near and I moved to Nashville to be with Peter so the without touch thing bothered me too.
In June 2009 I founded a group for widows and we get together talk, hug, laugh, cry and even have holidays together. We're there for each other during those hard times like anniversaries, birthdays and such. I like the online stuff but it was important to me to start a group on meetup.com in my area because I truly believe it takes a widow to heal a widow.
After almost two years I was able to walk away from the group and let someone else take the reigns. It was time for me.
Blessings to you and if you ever need to talk my information is on www.butterflywidows.weebly.com
Mare
Jackie, your words could be my own. My husband was a fisherman too! I had a dream with him in it the other night, complaining about my having bad breath! Yet, it still was comforting because he loved me despite my bad breath.I even miss his criticism! How ridiculous does that seem, but it is true!Unlike, the online dating males who are looking for the perfect body/ etc. or at least it feels that way.
ReplyDeleteWow, we all do have so much in common, I'm 21 months out and still and just recently had a terrible nightmare waking up crying, only to wake and feel even worse, turning over for my Mike, for his arms to hold me and whisper "it's only a dream your OK, I'm here" as he did many times before, and he's not here now to make me feel comfort, safe and loved. Which only pushes me back into feeling really bad, & depressed again and longing for the arms and hands to hold that I can't have and the pain starts all over again.....God I miss him!!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's been one year for me this past Tuesday.
ReplyDeleteI love having dreams about Dave. I feel calm and happy that he's back. Even when I wake up I feel better. Oh how I wish I could just will him into my dreams.
I miss Dave so much. For a while I'd lay in bed and hug myself to just try to feel his arms around me once more. (Didn't work.)
And there's nobody here but me in the middle of the night when every window in the house is wide open and a thunderstorm rolls through. I have to get up and close all the windows. Alone. In the dark. With the thunder and lightning. And go back to bed. Alone.
And I can't even imagine another man in my bed, comforting me in Dave's place.
I am so pissed that this is my life now.
It was two months ago today that my husband passed away and it already feels that it's all in the past for everyone but me. I wish I could dream about him but I don't. I don't have children so there is no hugging, no holding hands, no human contact. I can't just start hugging my coworkers. I have never felt so lost and alone in my life. I would settle for just a dream world if he was there in it with me.
ReplyDeleteThis post really resonates with me. I just returned from my first trip away. Dropped off by an airport driver.
ReplyDeleteMy house was dark.
I came in and somehow ( I know this sounds crazy ) at some level hoped it all was a dream and that my husband would be here and call out to me as he always did when I returned home "Hi Sweetness".
The house was empty and dark. I stood there in the hallway with my luggage and felt that wave all over again. I started to sob as I do whenever I face that - gone forever notice.
Not here with me.
Not anywhere I can reach.
Gone.
I dreamt last night that there was a great celebration at my house. Our children were there and something went wrong and I said to them "Don't worry everything will be good again when Dad comes back'
In my dream I knew he was gone but the hope was there - when he comes back.
When I go to sleep now I whisper goodnight as I always did when he was alive and I imagine him holding me. Just like your husband Jackie, he always curled around my back. Sometimes I tell him I want him to come to me in a dream. Sometimes he does.
Nothing satisfies the longing for his presence. Each day I commit to one thing - to carry on living for my children and grandchildren.
I have come to accept there is no place I can go where the longing for him will not come with me. There is no room I can enter where I don't wish to see him there. There is no falling asleep without the wish for his presence.
I remember those days. I had forgotten but your words brought them right back to me .... the days of wishing so very much that I could "borrow" a male from someone .... just to have him hold me while I slept. I would never dare ask anyone .... I'm not sure what any of my friends would have though at my request to be held by their husband, but I knew it couldn't happen. And so I just kept it to myself. I wanted to be held. So very much.
ReplyDeleteWow.
I remember those days.
I remember those feelings.
And realize that I still feel them .... I still want to be held.
Maybe one day.
Maybe.