I'm feeling indecisive these days. In fact, I wrote a very long post earlier this evening, then decided that it didn't adequately describe what I was feeling. I decided to leave it on my screen for awhile, then came back and hit delete.
There are so many times in my day to day life that I would love to have a do-over. I would love to just hit delete, then just start over fresh.
You know, I waste so much time in my day to day life. At work I'm productive, but then I come home, and often feel like whatever I do, or did, it was all just a waste. It's at that point that I wish I could just hit delete, and once again, start fresh.
I'm sad to report that these days, much of my free time still feels pointless. I often feel lost, or that I am just marking time. It's not that I want to be here, or in this state, it's just that I feel caught in some kind of thick mud. I can see all that life potentially has in store for me, but I don't really know how to get it anymore.
There is a duality in my desire for growth and change. I want desperately to be in a place of happiness. I want to have new people in my life, and I would love to see my home filled with weekend guests. Yet, what am I really doing to make this happen? Am I really ready for it, or am I simply not allowing it?
This weekend for example, I had most of the weekend to myself. My daughter had taken my youngest with her, so I was left to myself. This is something I used to cherish. Time alone. Well, it's something we used to cherish. Time alone, together. Now it seems that time alone is time to remember just how alone I am. It just serves to sadden me further.
And it's not like I am doing nothing about it. I am making a concerted effort to get out there now and then. I'm even going to the occasional restaurant, or club, by myself, in hopes of meeting someone. I'm not exactly sure what I will do if and when I do meet someone, but I know that I can't stay at home alone forever. I'm feeling like I need to meet someone new, who can rekindle those dormant feelings of excitement and passion. I don't necessarily mean sex, although it's not like I would turn that down at this point. What I really want, and need, is a reason to feel passionate about life again.
Last week my son and I were out having dinner. A song came on, and then I was taken away. I was taken to that dark and lonely place. When I was able to refocus I could see that my son recognized something in my face. I said sorry, and that I was having a Michael moment. He looked sad, and said "I know, I could tell." And I'm sorry to report that I'm sure I walk around most of my week with that same look.
Whose going to want to befriend me, or consider me for a date, with that look upon my face?
No big revelation here. Now grand ideas or plan. Just me, checking in about my current, and evolving, reality. I don't want to be stuck here. I don't want to be the sad guy forever. I want to know passion once again. I want to experience joy.
I'm going to keep at it. I hope you will too.
Dan, it is like you are thinking my thoughts!I have been going through similiar things and have felt like it was me. But you have helped me to realize that it is all part of the Lonely process we go through that most others do not get. Hang in there and like me I guess we have to fake it until we make it!
ReplyDeleteme too. The problem is that it takes so much damn energy to get unstuck and I just don't have it some days. so I try to change when I can and just stay put the rest. It sucks to be stuck but sometimes it is easier than moving on.
ReplyDeleteI share your pain. Sandy
Stuck is only permanent if we don't keep walking.
ReplyDeleteResting - is taking a moment to look around and see where you are and realizing the truth.
What do I want?
To know passion.
To experience joy.
To be loved.
Yes.
You said the most important thing at the end.
The solution "I'm going to keep at it".
Stuck means never walking forward.
Walking forward with occasional pauses to reflect on the journey and to remember and to wish, is to carry on with hope and courage.
Bless you Dan.
I believe someday someone will look into those eyes and realize all the wonder and pain and it took to make it to the moment and they won't see a sad guy at all, they will see the person they are falling in love with.
I am going to keep at it too.
Thanks for sharing.
I love your posts Dan, You described a lot of how I feel and live. The loneliness after the loss of a spouse is so overpowering and the energy to climb out of it seems inaccessible. I don't know the answer, and it sure would be great to fall in love again after all these years married, but I somehow think the answer is within us--doing deep and adequate grieving, and then reaching out to the support we do have, and then moving on to fashion our new life without our loved one. I think there is something important in the order there.
ReplyDeleteWell said Dan. I feel like you do alot especially relating to the passing time because we have to. I try to be productive at work and home thinking busy is good, but sometimes I just can't do it.
ReplyDeleteI remember years back when my husband would take off for golf and each kid would have a friend invitation and I had time alone. I cherished that time and now have come to loathe the quiet of the house.
Like you and those other responders, I am going to keep going as well.
I'd like to be in another place too. A place of happiness and sharing with another again.
ReplyDeleteHowever there's no guarantee that we'll find love again. (I'm unwilling to desparately settle for anyone.) So, somehow I need to move forward and find that place by myself.
Right now I'm sometimes able to find 'contented', but 'happy' is another place altogether. And apparently it's very elusive.
I am so glad I found this blog. Dan - everything you said here is exactly how I feel. I lost my husband 3/25/09 and it seems to be hitting me now. For so long I was just putting one foot in front of the other, just marching on for the sake of my kids. Now, they have started moving on, and I feel stuck. I want to be happy again, and I want to love again, but I just don't know how to go out and find it. I use to relish in the quiet when my husband and kids were gone for the day. Now, I dread coming home to a big empty house. I'll keep moving on and pray that I can climb my way out of this hole that I've fallen into. I WILL find happiness again.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like you are doing better than you think you are. I'm at 20 months, and you are ahead of me. You have the desire, vision, and intent to begin anew. You are going out, sometimes by yourself. You are tired of sitting home alone, I'm still numb to it. I think you are in a middle place. One foot in your past life, and one foot in your future life. You're on the way to the future. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your time is coming!
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to this except I am not even to the point of wanting to love again. It has been 1 year, 5 months, 18 days since I lost Keith and I think I was doing better a few months ago than I am now. I feel as if I have taken 500 steps backwards. I had so many financial issues to deal with after he died-including bankruptcy which just ended last month-that I feel like the grief has just hit me now. I don't go a day without crying and just aching with missing him. I see a grief counselor but I am not sure that is doing any good. I HATE BEING WITHOUT HIM. I can't sleep or if I do it is for a couple of hours at a time and I dream about him then I wake up and I feel like someone smacked me in the face with it all over again. I am so sick of people telling me that I should be "passed all of this" by now. We were best friends, lovers, partners for over 30 years. I have been in love with him since I was 14 yrs old. My heart aches so much that I can't even describe it. My mind does weird things like when I get home from work I swear he is going to be there but he isn't. I miss him so much that words can't even begin to describe it.
ReplyDeleteYour post put into words somewhat how I feel. Thank you.
It all takes so much time to move through, and the time table is not set by any time frame conceivable to logic. I sometimes reach a point where I think I am back on my feet, moving forward, then SMACK, back down again. I suppose I'm getting used to being smacked around by the grief, or at least I'm less surprised by it.
ReplyDeleteOf course you ache, and of course it is beyond what any of us could imagine. Just know that we are all here, all struggling, yet stronger as a community of support.
Dan
I was visiting a friend the other day and was told, "you look sad, melancholy" My response was, "ya" What else could I say? I do look sad and melancholy most of the time because I am sad and melancholy most of the time. I am a widow.
ReplyDeleteIt is nice to come here to a community of people who know and understand the grief.
Thank you.
It was two years in May since my husbands death. I did go to a therapist a few times and routinely attend a support group, however, I am still feeling extremely "stuck". The last year was focused on my two adult daughters who needed to live with me because of things happening in their lives. While it was comforting to have their company, I feel it also caused me avoid working on my "new" life. In two weeks, I will be on my own again and I'm very anxious about it. I do feel some pressure about not being as far along as others feel I should be even though they haven't walked in my shoes.For now, the future seems so uncertain.Will I sink or swim?
ReplyDelete