Wednesday, September 28, 2011

One Thousand, Three Hundred & Seventy-nine Days ....

                                                       Picture from here
.... since I've heard three small words.

I heard, or rather, read them yesterday.
And I was stunned.
I'm still stunned.

I'm not stunned that I was sent the words, but am happily surprised.

I am stunned at the impact those three words are having on me.
I was stunned when I read them and I'm still stunned.

This has been, and will continue to be an emotional week for me.
You know the kind .... where you can feel that the dams inside of you .... one around your heart, one behind your eyes ..... are starling to crack.
I can feel the cracking actually happen.  And the tears have been able to seep through, though just a bit.
But I know that the cracks will soon crumble more and those dams will burst wide open.
And the tears won't be seeping.

Tomorrow I "get" to go to court with one of my children, who made a stupid, stupid decision several months ago, but it recently caught up with him.
The damns crack more every time I think about showing up in that courtroom tomorrow at 9:00.
I think that it's likely that this will go well, so it's not that I'm worried about the event.
It just "one more thing".
I know you get that.

I am SO sick of "one more things".
I should not be doing these crappy things alone.
He should be here.
He should be holding my hand, reassuring me.
He should be here to take on half of the load of stress.

But he's not.
And here I am.

And yet ..... last week I met someone.
For those of you who are nowhere NEAR that point, it's ok.  And so are you.  You'll get there in your own time.
I didn't plan to get here.  At all.
In the first 2 years I found the thought of dating offensive and nauseating.
And then one day ..... it wasn't.
I have no idea why.  It just changed.

So last week we went on three dates over an 9 day period.
And had fun.
We talked a lot.
It's still new.
It's still too early to tell.
But I like him.
And he, evidently, likes me.

Because yesterday he sent me a text.
One small text with three small words.
Words I had forgotten about.
Words my heart has longed to "hear" and feel, but had given up on hearing them again.
Three simple words:

My heart melted and my face lit up with a huge smile.
No one was there to see it, but that's ok.  I felt it.
And have been stunned ever since.
I've missed him after a fun weekend of going out two nights in a row.
But my heart has learned to not say that ..... to not admit it.
I dated one man after Jim died .... 2 years after he died.  For a little over a year.
He never missed me.
So I learned.
For a while.
And then I knew that I wanted someone to miss me.
I knew that I deserve someone to miss me.

So that text was amazing.

Yes, it's still early.
Very, very early.
Who knows where this will lead .... or not lead?
I'm in no hurry.

But this man has warmed my heart .... and made me smile from the inside out.
All because of three little words.

And he has no idea.


  1. Yeah. I miss those words too. sigh...
    Glad you held out for someone better! We all deserve to be happy.

    (And as a mom with a son making very poor decisions I can commiserate... If his dad were alive he'd kick his ass!)

  2. Janine,
    I am sorry you have to go through the court date tomorrow. I hope everything goes as well as you expect. I can only imagine what you will be feeling tomorrow watching your son go through such a difficult thing. My kids are still too young to be getting into any real trouble, but I am entering teenage years with my oldest daughter and the next two are not far behind. I am terrified of what these years will be like without their dad to help us all through it. I already feel my daughter pulling away and I know she finds me to be nosy and annoying, hee hee.
    And I am very happy for you that you have met someone great!!! That is wonderful! :)

  3. This too shall pass - I raised three children to adulthood, I love and like all three. The best learning is consequences, hopefully this will be the last time you are there. He is there. But no matter what know - your love will be the constant and that will be the thing above all else that moves him.

    For the three little words _ beautiful to be missed.

  4. Much happiness as you open new doors and know that it is okay to move onward....most people don't get it that you look back at the life "before" now and again just to know you are making progress....when you can smile at the memories instead of sobbing your heart out all the time.