Thursday, September 22, 2011


Photo from here

Last week, I fell.


Too many stressors on top of an already stressful life.
…and then the person who keeps work flowing my way resigned.

and I panicked.

Because she is the only person in admin who gets it.

But I met with her, and while she isn’t able to give me more long-term certainty, she moved mountains to keep me employed for most of next term.

….and instantly, my spirits lifted.

I’m happy that I am employed until December, but I’m scared that my emotional health swings so wildly around having job security.

In the past, I’ve never had job security.

I’ve only ever had contract work.

But it’s been OK because a) I’ve never been out of work, and b) I’ve always had Greg there earning an income to provide for us if I couldn’t.

Now, I need that security.
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  1. I'm with you. Another thing we leaned on each other to provide and now all the weight of the world is on our shoulders alone. When I was a kid my dad earned all the money and mom took care of the kids and the house. They had very specific jobs and that worked for them. No wonder they don't understand the stress of doing everything for my family and all the "what if's" that go along with the lonely, grief filled days.

  2. There are so many areas of our daily lives that take on a deeper level of vulnerability as we go through this. Financial stressors can take on a whole new meaning when there is no one there to help cushion a potential fall.

  3. Yes, financial pressure. And all of the little things...he put gas in the car. He went to the bank to make a deposit. He'd run by the grocery store for a few things on the way home from work. He'd listen attentively to how my day went. He'd dish with me after a social event. He'd help with taking our child to various childhood events. He'd give me advice. He'd wake me up in the morning, make the coffee, pour the juice. He was my best friend. The void is as huge as the universe. I try not to think about how much I've lost, because to focus on losing a man like him is to want to give up completely and turn to vapor. I know it's so damn hard. Husband, lover, best friend, comforter, father of your children, breadwinner, go to guy, companion, on and on. It really is a wonder we keep breathing.