I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do. But I'm falling apart here at work. I need to express myself without speaking, as I am unable to speak without tears. Heavy tears.
I came into work today expecting it to be like any other day. I am a family court counselor, and I meet with parents to help them reach agreements regarding the custody of their children. Sometimes they reach agreement, other times I utilize my skills as a counselor to give recommendations back to the court.
Today an odd case was assigned to me, and it arrive late, without adequate time to prepare. There was no father and mother sitting before me. The two parties were the mother and paternal grandmother, as the father died last year. We were discussing issues regarding a 12 year old son. I tried my best to work with these two parties, and needed to take a break to get some supervision around some of the goals of our session. In discussing these, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into my own issues and grief. I let my supervisor know that I need to maintain some distance, and be aware of any counter transference that might be occurring. As I began to explain this, all I had to say was that tomorrow is the anniversary of my husband's death, and the dam I had built began to break.
With those words, I fell apart. Sobbing.
This has never happened to me before. I have always been able to be in complete control at work. I am the ultimate professional when it comes to utilizing the skills and experience I have attained throughout the years. My supervisor was wonderful, immediately taking the case from me, and telling me not to give it a second thought, that she would take care of this. She suggested I take a break, yet I can't wander far, as I am on-call to testify in court any minute. So here I sat, at my desk, knowing that rather than let go, and get out what I need to emotionally, I needed to pull myself together, and find another way to deal with this.
I'm having my own issues with my 13 year old son. He is going through a difficult time, and I am having a difficult time adequately addressing his issues, as we are both continuing to grieve. Unfortunately, each of our grieving process is not always going to end each day with a sense of growth, peace, or resolve. It is going to be a very long process, and I, as the now only parent once again, will need to rise to each occasion knowing that I am still quite broken, and ill prepared for what life throws at me.
That's it. I need to get through the day. I need to get through tomorrow. I also need to learn that I am human. Even now, as I sit here, I am beating myself up about losing control of my emotions. I am judging myself because of breaking down here at work. I am worrying about how this family is being served, knowing that I was already told not to worry about it. This is definitely something new to work through.
So while this is not something I usually do, I need to put this out there at a time when I usually focus solely on work. This is my outlet right now. All I need to know is that someone is reading this, and you understand. Thanks.
Hi Dan,
ReplyDeleteI understand. It's okay. Thanks for sharing this, and I hope you find some comfort in your pain. Thinking of you...
Anne
Yes. We not only understand, but we're living it too.
ReplyDeleteI emailed somebody while at work earlier this morning, and although it started as small-talk about the beautiful weather we had this past weekend, I mentioned that I'd had a blow-up with my 20something son. (He is not dealing with his dad's death well at all and is on a self-destructive path and refuses to go for counseling. On top of it he is re-directing his anger at Dave's death towards me. You hurt the ones you love, right?)
I found myself tearing up and trying to to hold it together this morning too. (I work in graphics in a mostly male environment. They really don't understand and for the most part probably don't even remember on a regular basis that I'm a widow.)
So know that you're not alone. (And neither am I!)
I am here, too. Hold tight to Michael’s memory and Please stop beating yourself up, that won’t help at all, Dan. Your supervisor did the right thing, perhaps you can trust in that wisdom for now ? Sending hugs and healing...
ReplyDeleteHere. Listening. Lifting you up. Walking beside you. Hoping that tons of love is transmitted through this blog directly to your heart.
ReplyDeleteWe are all here Dan....remember that you are never alone. Thinking of you today & tomorrow...sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteDan,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. It is incredibly difficult to hold it together at work sometimes. I'm glad your supervisor was good with the situation. You are not alone! I work in a hospital, but not in direct patient care. There are many times over the past four years that a case has hit close to home and I'm a mess for a couple of days. We've all been there. All the best coming your way.
Sending hugs like everyone else Dan. One thing I have discovered in my widowhood is this amazing support system of other widowed people right at my fingertips. I take comfort in knowing that all of these amazing strong souls are connecting through keyboards to help each other heal. You are loved by so many people that you haven't even met.
ReplyDeleteDan - I'm here and reading this and I understand. We are not alone. Sending you love! I am glad you reached out and I am reaching back!
ReplyDeleteDan,
ReplyDeleteHolding you in the light.
As a psychologist I, too, had feelings bubble up and flow following Rob's death when I was working with clients . Even though it's been six years, there are times when the feelings just emerge and erupt.
Reaching out to your supervisor was super...accepting, loving, and realizing that those feelings end up being healing to all the people you touch.
Thinking of you and your courage and bravery in allowing those feelings to move through you.
Deep breath and big hug
Beth
Yes, I definitely understand. As the new school year starts and we're coming up on the second anniversary of my husband's death at the end of October, emotions are flying here. Add to that the death of my nephew yesterday and I am back to that numbness from the early days of my husband's death and just trying to get through the day. thank you so much for all that you share here. Your words are what gets me through the days sometimes, just knowing that someone else understands.
ReplyDeleteHi Dan,
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. It gets easier, I promise. I used to call that sort of thing a "griefquake".
(((Dab)))
Suzanne (celestia on WV).
Walking with you thru this, it's a difficult time. Love yourself, be kind to you. This is a great reminder for me when I beat myself up. Thinking of you today and tomorrow and sending you love and peace
ReplyDelete((hugs)). We are all human and grieving is a long process. Your supervisor did the right thing. And you need to give yourself a break. It happens. We can't be strong all the time. I've really learned that over the last 18 months. Accept help from others - they are your support system.
ReplyDeleteI understand, and I'm sorry. Early in my grief journey, I read something on another blog that has stayed with me and has helped when things seem like they are getting worse: "When you think you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." You don't have to try to climb the rope, just hang on.
ReplyDeleteSee how many people love you? (((HUGS))) Don't hold it in....CRY if you have to....you will get sick from physical symptoms if you don't.
ReplyDeleteRight here with you, Dan. You absolutely, definitely, without a doubt not alone.
ReplyDeleteYes, we are reading this, and yes, we understand. We grieve with you, we cry with you, we are in the same place with you, trying to move forward, but sometimes taking a step back too. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I am right behind you in this journey, too, coming up on 2 years. You will make it, as we all will.
ReplyDeleteDan,
ReplyDeleteI thought I posted a comment much earlier but I do not see it. You have shown such strength and hope in sending out your SOS. It is such a horrendously difficult time with your anniversary looming. Please email me at higginsa@upstate.edu with your contact information if you need someone to talk with...I am here for you as you have been for me countless times when I start the day with you and Widow's Voice. Sending love and light.
Anne Marie
Thinking of you Dan and understand. The days are not easy when a similar situation to our own is thrown up at us and it is never easy to deal with. Deep breaths and knowing that your supervisor is able to deal with the one's that you can't is all you can do. (((HUGS))). Dawn - aka shadowandcloud on WV
ReplyDeleteReading this AND understanding - Hugs and love to you Dan, you are definitely not alone as so many of us walk the journey with you. I too am strugging with my 13 year old son and it has been 3+ years for us. Don't beat yourself up over today. You made a good decision by talking to your supervisor and got them the help they needed even if it couldn't be you at that moment. Will be thinking of you the rest of today and tomorrow. (well always do have been reading your blog for quiet some time). Prayers for some peace for you and your children in these difficult days.
ReplyDeleteI am reading and understanding how difficult it is to carry on when something triggers our need to express emotion, and we happen to be someplace where doing so seems so inappropriate. Luckily, we have each other! We are a community where expressing emotion is ALWAYS APPROPRIATE.
ReplyDeleteDan you share so much with us, which helps us carry on. I only wish reading all of these posts will remind you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And together we will survive another day.
Dan,
ReplyDeleteI'm just seeing this now. But I wanted to send you hugs. I admire your ability to go to your supervisor, wehn you realized it was getting to be too much.
As others havve said, you are not alone.
oh Dan, I am holding you in thought and prayer and sending you all the strength I can. Please be gentle with yourself and know that you are surrounded by the community you surround with your loving words and support. Chris
ReplyDeleteWow, Dan. I understand, I am listening and I thank you for having the courage to put it all out there. You are a remarkable man. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteDan - I'm up all night packing to flee the country in anticipation of my husband's birthday. My brain is too fried to find the words I want to write. But there's just enough brain power left to add my voice to the chorus of support. Peace and love, Dan.
ReplyDeleteToday many of you honored me with your presence and support. I love you all dearly for that. Michael loves you all dearly for that. I know in my heart that he doesn't want to ever think of me as being completely alone. Each of you carry out his desire to be there for me.
ReplyDeleteI thank you. He thanks you.
Dan
Dan- hang in there. As a new widow myself (my spouse died July 30th, 2011), I understand. Seems it doesn't take much to fall apart.
ReplyDeletePraying for you that you find a way to cope.
Jeannine