Found this picture while looking for images that expressed how some of my days have been recently. This one made me laugh out loud! I'm glad to report that it isn't as bad as all that...but there are moments when I feel like the shark is about that close.
I think I sometimes lean heavily on the idea that "this isn't hard, I've experienced hard, and compared to that....this isn't hard at all". It's true. Compared to the loss of your spouse and all your dreams of the future - most of life's pressures are minuscule in comparison. It doesn't mean they don't suck though. I have to remind myself that it is okay to let little things bug me sometimes. I'm human. Widowhood has made me stronger, but I'm not freakin wonder woman all the time. I have a tendency to put on a happy face even when I'm not feeling it, and lately I've been needing that fake face a bit more often. I'm not a great actress, and I'm sure my coworkers are beginning to sense the strain.
I've been less patient with them, less patient with G, less patient all the way around. I've written more than a few nasty emails that I've deleted before I hit send...thank goodness I'm not too rash or I'd be seeking unemployment benefits at this point I'm sure. I actually told a co-worker in an "off the record" conversation that I thought another co-worker needed to put his big girl panties on and stop acting like such an spoiled brat. Although I really meant it when I said it, the visual of this guy in his big girl panties was so powerful that I was in a much better mood the rest of the day! ;-) Whatever it takes!
I think I sometimes lean heavily on the idea that "this isn't hard, I've experienced hard, and compared to that....this isn't hard at all". It's true. Compared to the loss of your spouse and all your dreams of the future - most of life's pressures are minuscule in comparison. It doesn't mean they don't suck though. I have to remind myself that it is okay to let little things bug me sometimes. I'm human. Widowhood has made me stronger, but I'm not freakin wonder woman all the time. I have a tendency to put on a happy face even when I'm not feeling it, and lately I've been needing that fake face a bit more often. I'm not a great actress, and I'm sure my coworkers are beginning to sense the strain.
I've been less patient with them, less patient with G, less patient all the way around. I've written more than a few nasty emails that I've deleted before I hit send...thank goodness I'm not too rash or I'd be seeking unemployment benefits at this point I'm sure. I actually told a co-worker in an "off the record" conversation that I thought another co-worker needed to put his big girl panties on and stop acting like such an spoiled brat. Although I really meant it when I said it, the visual of this guy in his big girl panties was so powerful that I was in a much better mood the rest of the day! ;-) Whatever it takes!
Fortunately for me (and the people in my life), bad days and bad moods such as those are few and far between. I tend to bounce back quickly, I hate being grumpy...it makes me grumpy! So I remind myself of the things I'm grateful for, and let the thoughts of those things buoy me through the rough patches. While lately I'm feeling more like the bug than the windsheild, this too shall pass....
Happy Tuesday! - michelle d.
Thanks, Michelle. Yes, focusing on the positive is so much better for oneself, otherwise you are going to just drag yourself even further down that hole. I think our coworkers and even friends tend to forget what we are dealing with; their lives have gone on, while we are still either stuck or taking those tentative steps onward. I know so many of my friends have no clue anymore , and I know part of that is because they have not experienced the loss that I have. I even hesitate to call them friends, they were "our" friends, and suddenly I'm not part of a couple, so they seem to have forgotten me.
ReplyDeleteWriting down 5 things you are grateful for every day is a good way to start to realize that life can be and is good (although I still want to wear that life sucks shirt many days).
Thank you. It's not just me!
ReplyDeleteI just wrote an extended email to my mother-in-law and needed this. (The short version is that my husband grew up in a dysfunctional home due to an abusive step-father and had a very poor relationship with his mother until she started to visit during his last few months of life.) She is now commenting on how I'm dealing with my 20+ year old son, (who is behaving very poorly). Apparently I should be taking care of him more and making his bed for him and doing his laundry (which I stopped doing when he was 17.)
Anyway, her email immediately put me in a bad mood, and I likely should have waited a day before hitting the send button on my reply this morning! Lol!
I hate being grumpy too. Sometimes it just takes a conscious effort to realize you're grumpy and need to change it. The sun is also shining now which also helps!
Within 30 days of my husband passing away my credit card number was used fraudulently and I received an audit letter from the IRS. Neither qualified as the worst thing that ever happened to me but I was definitely feeling like the bug.
ReplyDeleteFeeling like the bug lately too! Work has gone from somewhere I loved to be to, appreciated to a place I feel taken advantage of!Work at a school so I have to put on a happy face for students who do not deserve the grumpy side of me. Teacher's got 15% raise, TAs stayed the same, lost pension benefits, health care cost went up by $200 and benefit's reduced, because they now define me as part-time at 31hrs, used to be full time with better benefits, Teacher lost none of this at all!
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Cathy,"our" friends do not get it and treat me differently. Feel like I have all the resonsibilities of marriage with kids, and none of the benefits of being a single, divorced or never married person! Not fair!
Love the last comment of all the responsibility and none of the benefits.....I agree, and I get very grumpy when divorced people ask me if I am dating yet. Boy, they really, really don't get it. This is not like a divorce. I went through an angry phase recently and now I am in a tired phase, especially now with the kids back in school and soccer and lots of homework with them...long, tiring days for sure. The last three posts about moving, meaningful moments and today's post really were right on for me as well. I think about selling this place cause I can't keep up, I search for meaning in my days and try to find the things to smile about. I shared a funny moment with a girl friend yesterday that had me laughing all day and it felt so great. I kept thinking of it today and it kept bringing a smile to me. I guess that is a start. :)
ReplyDeleteResilience is a beautiful thing. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteMichelle D, thank you so very much for letting me know it is okay to be grumpy or refuse to put on my "happy" face when dealing with the world! I've had a co-worker tell me to stop using my husband's death as an excuse for getting upset! That really upset me. This coming from someone who has had more than one spouse. She has no idea how sometimes the littlest thing sends me spiraling into a sobbing fit. I just want to scream to such insensitive people "LIFE SUCKS!! THIS IS NOT HOW I PICTURED MY LIFE WHEN I AGREED TO MARRY MY HUSBAND!!!!" You get to have your husband hold your hand when you cry or watch your child graduate high school, college or walk down the aisle - I HAVE BEEN ROBBED OF ALL OF THAT! I told a friend today that when my children are sad and missing their father, they have me to hold them and comfort them but when I am missing their father, I don't have anyone to hold me and comfort me.
ReplyDeleteI know the pain will ease eventually but until then, I am doing the best I can to keep myself from falling apart because I feel like Humpty Dumpty, if I fall off the wall no one will be able to put me together again.
I loved the Humpty-Dumpty analogy- so, so true. It sucks and we have no one to comfort us. I just put on my big fake happy face for my daughter's birthday with multiple extended family. Then I lost it doing the dishes. I cried and cried last night and then all of today. No one there to put me back together. I had to do it myself. People tell me "you're so strong" aaaaahhhhhh!
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