Thursday, September 15, 2011


Its "RUOK?" day in Australia today. I wrote this on my blog as an initial gut response to some facebook "friends" who flippantly asked me the question in a facebook message.....

RUOK is a great concept … for other people.

But if someone asks me today, I may slap them.

I. Am. Not. OK.

And asking me will not make me OK.

and if I am not OK

I will not tell them anyway …

Sometimes life really sucks and it means more to have someone who can listen without trying to make it all “OK”.

Which is why I blog …. bloggers listen and know better than to use some cutesy text-talk question.

I am not OK and asking me will not help.

Helping me will help.

But flippantly tossing me an acronym really, really won’t.

(addendum - if the question is asked using the guidelines given on the website, it's a great idea. But nobody I know in real life (on facebook) seems to have read the guide ... and telling a widow to "not worry" is completely useless ... as you all know).


  1. Oh, I LOVE this. I feel the same way about "How are you?" I mean, do you REALLY want to know? I'll tell you, if you really want to know, but you probably don't.

  2. I luv reading things from other widows. It's like someone wrote my thoughts down for me! =)

  3. Thanks for being in my head!

  4. pep talk crap - I so much want to say Out Loud - is your partner alive? Alright then. Shut the fuck up and stop speaking to me.

    But then, today has been a very not good day. Good thing no one asked.

  5. Right on Megan! So, I'm was your day today?

  6. Even though I still read Facebook myself, I find most of what people post is stupid; pictures of kittens are ridiculously popular. Not very much is serious or meaningful. But this recent post was the all-time worst for me:

    "Happily Married Husband & Wife Week - If your spouse is still your best friend, has been with you through triumphs and tragedies, who loves you when you're at your worst,and whom you are proud to be married to, copy and paste this with the date you were married..."

    Obviously none of my 89 friends on FB are widows...

  7. I always read SSLF blogs first when signing on. I had commented earlier on this post. I came back to read the other comments from my friends and saw the FB entry about "Happily Married Husband & WIfe Week" - wow, of all the reposts I've seen, man that hurts. I then went on to FB and saw my best friend had this posted - talk about painful and insensitive (knowing I would be one of her readers) - damn I hate widowhood, where was all this crap when I was happily married??????

  8. After I made the stupid comment, "I'm okay," my hairdresser said, "You might be a lot of things but you're not okay. This phrase replays in my head at times when I need it. Funny thing, when I told her how important it had been to me, she did not remember saying it.

  9. anon - aw, thanks for asking!!! Yesterday was brutal. Unplanned, very long day at work, multiple equipment failures, and being continually asked "but isn't there someone you can have walk your dog for you, since you're going to be at work later?" NO. See, my husband died. He can't walk the dog. All through the day - every other stressor came with that screaming in my mind: dead. No one is there because he is dead. He will not be home when I get there because he is dead.

    But today was a much better day. Still dead, but the day itself was better. :)

  10. When asked "how are you doing?" I often comment, "I'm doing". I don't want to lie and say ok, because we all know we're not. I'm doing the best I can, which is often not very good at all. But people don't want to hear that, so I just let it go. Everyone has their own problems to deal with, they don't need to hear about mine. "Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle".

  11. This is what I want on my t-shirt!

  12. This post is so right on. I want a t-shirt with this saying!