I was blind-
Image via Wikipediasided by grief a few times yesterday.....that intense feeling that someone is missing.
....that subconscious lightening in my heart when I thought I caught a glimpse of him in the shed before I remembered.
....looking at my kids who aren't supposed to be growing up without their Daddy.
I was tired and feeling overwhelmed at the amount of work I have to do, the fact that my house looks like a bomb exploded inside it, the fact that there is nobody else here to take some of the strain.
So by the time I went to bed, I was miserable.
Crying.
Sobbing.
*Knowing* that things would never get any better, but that I had no option but to keep living this half-life.
*Knowing* that I would never meet another man like Greg. That all my fruitless looking at profiles on dating sites just reinforced this. (I must confess that I put my profile on a dating site during the holidays for no other reason than to prove to myself that men still found me attractive and that I could find somebody if I wanted to ... but as it turns out, I didn't actually want to).
Somehow I slept. Probably through sheer exhaustion.
...and when I woke up this morning, I turned on my laptop to see this message:
...and I remembered that I am not alone.
Other widows have felt this exact same way during some point in their journey.
They are surviving.
They know moments of happiness mixed with the grief.
...and they are holding candles to help light this darkness for others...
So for today, I will try to focus on the candle light shining from the hearts of other widowed people and remember that life really does have more light than dark.
Amanda, I loved your post. I, too, have been feeling overwhelmed with life in general or half life as you so eloquently stated. I, too, am coming up to the 2nd anniversary in March, 2010. Those around me continue to believe I have moved enough along in this grief journey that help is no longer offered. Just me doing everything including those all so difficult decisions. I also put my profile on a dating site for exactly the same reason. But I also want to give and receive love again.
ReplyDeleteWith all this said, the important lesson for today, we are not alone. There is another widow/widower right around the corner with the same feelings, frustrations, fatigue, etc.
Thanks for the reminder that we are not alone!!!!
You are not alone, there are many of us out there with you, feeling exactly the same. But you forgot the paralysis of motivation to get things done, to improve our lot. I suffer from that too.
ReplyDeleteLove, love, love this! Hang on Amanda, there really IS a see of candlelight right outside the window of your heart. xo
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely NOT alone. I could have written this post. I too, have been feeling overwhelmed and living a "half life". I also put my name on a dating site, but with no intentions of dating. I just passed the 3 year mark and the reality of my life is sometimes too much to bear. It's good to remember that we are not alone.
ReplyDeleteMy heart extends thru the clouds to comfort you. Would that I could actually reach you, you'd remember the hug for all your days. No one will ever replace Greg in your life or the kids' lives-it was not supposed to happen like this; yet it did and you may never know why.
ReplyDeleteMeeting you in this medium helps me to understand some wider implications of why we transform and what we pass through in order to grow into our fully realized selves. Astonishing when I think of where we are and how just a few short decades ago we never would have crossed paths and yet here we are...
crazy how that catching-a-glimpse-and-then-remembering thing happens. Like some part of us did not yet get the memo.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, I love your positive thinking, that life does have more light than dark, something we should all try to believe in. That motivation to get things done is lacking in me, too. Does it really matter any more that these things get done? Some days yes, some days no.
ReplyDeleteWhen I look at where we all are in the world, I am astonished and relieved that I am not alone, I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have had those glimpses, too, they do throw one off. The "what if" this is really only a dream for the past 2 years becomes a possibility, if only for a brief second. But then reality is right back in your face. I need to look for those candles.
Yes - I find those moments too. Where I suddenly have this internal shift that says "wait! Is this really my life? Is he really dead? Never coming back?"
ReplyDeleteIt is always a bit of a shock. I stare at his picture and I think sometimes I feel like he only lived in my heart, or in some other world I used to inhabit. I remind myself - he lived. I stare at his picture until I can feel his hair in my hands, the softness of his lips, that intoxicating scent of his neck. I bring him back . . .but I know someday I won't be able to do that.
I too believe that we have to be the light for one another.
I know if I love again it will not be the same but that doesn't stop me from wanting love. Despite a smashed heart, I still want love.
I can live alone and probably always will. But I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.
Everyday I rise and try to live out the life I imagined "WE" would be living. It doesn't look the same - eventually, somehow it will become my life.
I don't know what that looks like right now but I am buoyed by the voices here that help to light the way.
Thank you for sharing.
OK- I put my name on a dating site and I have a DATE tomorrow!!! he is a WIDOWER and he is 10 years out. I write this with tears in my eyes..because I could of written any of the postings above or even Amanda's beautiful post(if I could write) actually I am reading todays post for the first time because I came to this page to copy the link for another widow that does not know about widowed village. So while holding the candle for another...karma has come around and perhaps tomorrow's date will at a minimum turn into a friend that will hold the candle for me...I so need some light...this solo parenting is taking a toll on me and it has been getting very dim. To post my name or go Anonymous...well since this is dating and who knows- if they will end up on here..I do not want them to know that just the thought of having a cup of tea with another widowed person brought me to tears...just for the companionship and dare I say for just the glimmer of a hope of perhaps more...as I am already mourning my leaving some of my all consuming thoughts of my LH. Ace
ReplyDeleteI could have written this word for word. Instead of cleaning my living room, which is a disaster area, I am sitting here on my computer listening to the chirps from WV chat and knowing that I am not alone. Knowing that other widowed people are out there to help support me through this grief.
ReplyDelete