March 1 will mark 2 years since my beautiful life ended.
The life I loved.
The life where my best friend did everything with me.
The life where beautiful things were abundant and not edged with sadness.
The life where I felt safe and loved and content and happy.
Two years since that awful day.
Last year, there were lots of people around me on that day, but this year I know I want it to be just us so we can acknowledge it fully: crying when we need to cry, saying what we need to say and doing what we need to do.
After all, grief has to be acknowledged and lived and I can't do that when ten people are willing me not to cry (when I have every right to).
So this week, I shall wallow in the grief.
I shall acknowledge it, live it, and weep for the life I wanted for my family.
I will take that day off work and spend it with my children.
We will talk about Greg.
We will share our memories and look at old photos.
We will visit his grave - the kids will see it for the first time since the funeral.
...and we will grieve.
Together.
Then, we will pick ourselves back up and continue onwards into this different life.
This life that has replaced the beautiful one.
and we'll do it together.
Amanda, so well said! 3/8/2012 will mark the second anniversary for me and my kids. Yes, the beautiful life we had is exactly that "had". Yes, I truly do miss that life but have finally accepted that I can't go back and have to now manage this "different" life.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you and your children and know that I will be thinking about you in a special way on 3/1/2012.
Yes - I understand that beautiful life Amanda.
ReplyDeleteMy 2 year will be in November. Some days it feels like an eternity since my love was alive and other times, not so long.
That other life is gone. I have to tell myself that frequently. It is gone. No amount of grief or wishing will bring it back to me.
This new life will never be what that life promised to be but - now I know the only promise we have is "today" = everything else is but a dream.
Peace to you
sweetheart. Love you. A nod of acknowledgment across all those oceans.
ReplyDeleteO my gosh- i thought getting to the first year was bad- Im now 1/3 the way toward the 2 nd year, and it's worse. I was telling my children, I think it's because during the first year you are numb and you have memories of what you were doing during that day the year before. Now I only have at this tine last year I was so numb I didn't know how my car got from point A to point B. S I too am trying to make some sort of sense out of this "different" life.
ReplyDeletePeace to all
Jackie
I just came across this website yesterday and have already found it to be helpful. April 9th, will be 1 year since my finace, Pat died. It will also be within the same time mark of when we first found each other, early April 2010. There are days I am not sure which will be harder, the 1 year mark or knowing that he will be gone for the same amount of time we had together here on earth. April 17th was our first date, but we had talked on the phone a number of times and exchanged emails, since around April 3rd or 4th (I need to work the timeline, for my memory is just not what it use to be, since all of this happened).
ReplyDeleteThank you Amanda and the other bloggers here, you have help me so much already learning to live in this 'different' life.
Colleen
I wallow and muddle along in this after life too, two years out also. I'm settling in, no other choice but to. I try to be grateful for the little things that come my way, sunny days, birds singing, walk with a friend. It is a bit of progress, but never will I feel like I did in the before. Those carefree days of oblivious living are a thing of the past, I only hope that one day I find myself with a bit of that contentedness and happiness again.
ReplyDeleteBe with your children, Amanda, you will all make it through the day, together.
To Cathy above; I love the term you used, "after life." How perfect, we should coin that one. Exactly what it is. To Amanda, spending the day with your children sounds just right. Sometimes you feel the grief building up inside of you and you really need the space and time, alone or with loved ones you shared him with, to let go. Our loved ones deserve to be honored that way. Grief is such a personal experience, and we all deserve to express it in the way that is best for us. Blessings and prayers.
DeleteI'm with you, heart and soul. Two years in May. Ughhhh....
ReplyDeleteI am coming upon the 2nd year since Eric has left me. July 27th. The whole month of July is shrouded in anxiety and overwhelming sadness. The first year of loss - is SHOCK and the second year is REALITY. All the people who were there right after he died... sending their condolences and prayers... are gone. Except those closest to us.
ReplyDeleteHis death has challenged my every belief - in religion, in fate.....
There is not a day that goes by that Eric is the first thing I think of when I wake up.
All who have gone through this... we all know.. that feeling - no body really understands. We need to be good to ourselves.
take care all