It was my birthday last week..
I did not want to celebrate.
I did not want to do anything but have a non-day.
A doona-day.
A day of not talking to anyone or even getting out of bed.
I think I am depressed.
If you can get intense depression that seems to last a single day every so often when life just sucks beyond the telling of it.
But in other ways, I started falling when Greg died and I've not stopped since.
There are just some days when it hits hard, and my birthday was one of those days.
I used to look forward to my birthday.
When I was little I would get so mad because Dad's birthday was 2 days before mine and that middle day just dragged on and on while the anticipation built and built.
...and then Greg came along and he was my birthday present. I used to pinch myself that I had the best present of all "forever". I used to think how lucky I was to have found him so I'd never be sad or lonely ever again.
Boy was I counting some unhatched chickens there huh?
But now, I just see an endless stream of birthdays stretching out in front of me. Another 21 years ... and then another ...and probably half that again (if you use a prediction based on the average ages of the women in my family when they died*).
...and that's too much for anyone.
I know I have to stop looking at the distance and just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. staying upright.
shuffling along.
But it's hard not to count those lonely birthdays ahead of me.
*Yes ... I know nothing is certain and none of us know how long we will live - but I can make an educated guess.
Yeah... Birthdays sure aren't the same anymore.
ReplyDeleteMine is this coming weekend, which is also Easter this year. I will be inundated with family - which is a good thing I guess. But I'd be just as 'happy' (or sad really) if I was just left alone.
But I know I can't (or shouldn't) wallow in a funk for long. The reality is that I've only lived half my life. I have another whole life to live ahead of me. Like it or not.
And I don't want to live it depressed.
I'm OK with the occasional 'funk' day, but I know it takes a conscious effort to not stay there.
And I refuse to stay there. Sometimes there's no stopping it and it seems to swallow me whole when I'm not looking. But sometimes you just have to punch a hole through it just to see that the sun is shining.
Happy belated birthday Amanda, and of course thanks for the words!
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteYour post is so honest and I can relate. I recently celebrated, okay not really, my second birthday without my husband and it felt worse than the first. I really don't know exactly why. Maybe because I came to the same conclusion that you have drawn. But I do believe that all we can do right now is "staying" upright and know that we are not alone.
Belated birthday wishes to you from someone who shares your pain!
Amanda, This is one of those situations no one else can understand. The best thing of all has been stolen from us, and we can never get it back. Last year my family did their best to give me a wonderful birthday. I had to just love them to bits for it, but at the end of the day, the mountains of presents couldn't match the stupidest one that Philip ever gave me.
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday, a little late, with love from a sister in grief,
Ann-Marie
Happy birthday Amanda. I know you didn't feel like celebrating the day, but we totally celebrate YOU. Thank you for sharing your heart with us, you make a difference. Cheers to walking this road together in the year to come. xo
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DeleteI just had a birthday, too, a significant number, that I did not want to celebrate. I do not want to celebrate any holiday that begins with "happy", and there are a lot of them, they are no longer happy days for me. So I try to just continue to be grateful as best I can with each day that comes along. I am doing the best I can do with where I am at this present moment.
ReplyDeleteI love how Michele put it, "we celebrate you". I do too.