I wrote this 7.16.2011. It's written to my husband:
I had a weird discovery today. There are a lot of things that you were to me that cannot be replaced. So many wonderful people have stepped up to help out in areas where you used to cover, and that's great, but it's obviously never the same. Even so, I couldn't articulate exactly what it was that I felt voided of completely that can never be recovered.
Today, I realized what it was: I miss being number one for somebody. At the top of someone's list. Aside from our children, I am not the first anyone would call if there was an emergency, big news, or something incredibly funny that they wanted to share. Even my closest friends have their families or spouses that they would call on - and should call on - first when they think of something important. Along side that loss, I'm now missing the one person at the top of my list I would go to for anything. If I have something to share, I have to consider who to share it with that doesn't have other things going on to worry about. When I need something fixed, I have to think about who I know that I might be able to call on. When I need a break, I feel guilty for finding people to watch the kids. When I remember a funny story, I have to think about who might appreciate it the most. You were all of that in my life. It's hard to not have that constant go-to person to share life with. Really hard.
I miss feeling that specialness that comes with being at the top of someone's list. I miss feeling like someone needs me. I miss being there for you, being the person you wanted to start and end your day with. I miss feeling a part of something. This is totally corny, but the lyrics "I wanna be somebody's somebody" popped into my head. Thank you, adolescent teen pop music days. It's true, though.
I miss being your number one, baby.
I love you forever and always.
Vee
Vee - great post. So very true.
ReplyDeleteThat is why loving again matters. We all need someone, we need to be first in someone's heart and mind.
I think in many ways my community has expanded a bit larger because of all the other people I need to let into my life when my husband died but that doesn't change that the first person I think of when I see something beautiful or I want to talk over a problem - the very first person is him. So - I do - in my head, all of the time and I suspect most of us do that.
Wow Vee, you got this one perfect!
ReplyDeleteI know just what you mean.
ReplyDeleteThis post hit home Vee. I was just thinking these last couple of days as I attempt to settle kid issues, real estate issues, work issues....that I have no one that will be in my camp regardless of the day, the week, the issue, etc. All I need right now is that person to stand by me with a hand on my shoulder. I don't need advice or direction just SUPPORT! My husband didn't always agree on my direction, but his support never wavered.
ReplyDeleteI miss having that special person so very much!
Thanks for a great post!
Oh Vee, this brought tears to my eyes. It's exactly what I go through every day. When something good or bad happens, Felix was the first person I would call or run to...and now I don't know who I can run to. I don't have him, we never had children. Will my mom understand, or my dad or his parents? Will my brother care? Will my friends feel sympathetic, or happy? My coworkers are going through their own issues. I have found a small handful of people I can turn to in good and bad times. But it's still not the same. I still don't have that person who can hug me, kiss me and say "Baby it's going to be ok. I love you." or "Baby that's AMAZING! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU! I LOVE YOU!" It hurts like hell.
ReplyDeleteI still remember that sinking feeling I got when I first went to text Dave about something I'd just done. That brief elated moment quickly transformed into tears.
ReplyDeleteMy somebody was gone.
You words ring so true for me! It haves been almost three years, and I too was struggling with why things still felt so empty, but you put it in just the right words! Thank you my online sisters/brothers for knowing just the right thing to say to help me not to feel so alone!
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the most profound posts I have ever read. My God..yes, we miss them. The loss is so huge, but I miss ME..the me that was his #1 just like he was mine.
ReplyDeleteIt's been 6 years for me, and I know who I can count on, call on, text if I need them.. My life has settled into a calm and good place, and I'm grateful for that.
But you know, now, what I miss the most? He used to make me laugh like no one else, but, even more than that, I used to be able to make HIM laugh. Scream, fall to the floor, giggle, cry with laughter. No one else gets me like he did, no one.
I miss that so much.
Oh yeah I get the laughing too. I often think of something that my sweet man and I would have found so funny, so silly but there's no one to share it with. I keep telling myself to be thankful that he loved me until his last breath, but sometimes it's just too hard.
DeleteThank you for this. When my husband was in the hospital and I knew he wouldn't be coming home I wrote him a letter. It was on July 11, 2011. I read it to him with tears coming down my face. I read it at his funeral and still cry thinking about it. He was with me another five weeks after I wrote it. I said goodbye for five weeks-I hated them-but wouldn't change them for anything in this world.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved this post !! it is so true.. my husband has been gone for eleven years and I also miss being number one for someone. Being that special person being treated like a princess and someone so special..my life has changed so much in those eleven years and we all move on.. my sons are number # 1 to me, but I miss our little chats, our walks on Saturday, our weekly lunch dates when I worked..the laughter, the funny stories and deeds.. and just knowing someone was there at the end of the day waiting to hear your story of the day.. thank you for sharing...
ReplyDeleteso true...
ReplyDeletebeautiful post. you read my mind
ReplyDeleteSo very true and sad, what I have been thinking since I lost must husband last month. Thank you
ReplyDelete