Friday, April 27, 2012
Someone to Watch Over Me?
The picture above was taken one month before Daniel died. We were waiting in the train station for Amtrak to take us to Disneyland. Daniel took the picture, and if you look closely you can see his reflection in the glass behind us. I remember seeing it for the first time a few months later and thinking how much like a ghost he looked in the picture and how I wished I could see the specter of him watching over us as he seems to be doing here.
I know he does watch over us, and there are times I feel like he sends me messages when I really need them. I've seen multiple mysterious messages. On a particularly terrible day, I was crying as I was driving by the hospital he spent his last night in and "I love you" flashed on a pharmacy sign and then disappeared completely. I stopped, and watched and waited for 10 minutes to see if it was some gimmick of the pharmacy, but the message never repeated itself.
Another day about 6 months after he died, I had to leave the office to have a private cry fest. I realized at some point that I was starving - I likely hadn't eaten in a day or something ridiculous, and I stopped by a random Chinese place for takeout. My fortune in my fortune cookie said simply "I miss you". Um, yeah, I didn't make it back to work that day.
Last example: I was working on a pipeline project in Mississippi, it was a gorgeous day and for whatever reason I was missing him terribly. I was sort of cursing the cloudless blue sky and thinking how unfair it was....a giant black and gold butterfly - the size of my hand, swooped down and almost landed on my head. I decided it was a message from Daniel. I'm sure I've made up tons of messages from him over the years, but some of them really seem to be too perfect to be coincidence. I choose to believe.
I'm sure I'm not the only widow to make special requests of their dead spouse, and I'm certain I've sent more prayers directly to Daniel than to God in the last 6 years. Recently, after hearing of a co-worker's wife's cancer diagnosis I asked Daniel to pull whatever strings he can in heaven to make sure that Carl lives a long, long life. It's a strange universe when you send prayers to your late husband about your new one...but it's my reality, isn't it? I asked Daniel to please make sure I never had to live through that again. I'm sure he was listening, and if I know him he'll do his best to watch over me and G.