Tuesday, July 3, 2012
So I went out with a different man last Friday. I actually liked him, but despite talking for hours and finding out much about each other and him seemingly showing all signs of interest at the time, I've only had a sketchy response in that "we should do this again soon".
I was scared I would be crushed by ANY rejection (irony, I know after me high-tailing it out of the previous outing with a man).
But I'm not.
I'm very calm about it with a little bit of sa la vie thrown in for good measure.
I think I am emerging from the gloom.
That's not to say that I won't come crashing back down into the abyss of grief: the "7 stages of grief" have never ever been linear for me.
Technically, I reached "Acceptance" within a year, but I go back and forth, processing things that were too heavy at the time. This is according to my psych (who also didn't hold too closely to the idea that grief stages were linear and ordered like so many would have me believe).
I am still Angry.
At times I am still very Disorientated.
I have always had Hope (because I have a kind of fey acceptance that my life will not always be so hard. I've always known this intrinsically as some sort of eternal truth).
I crash into Depression, but climb back out again. Regularly.
My Reconstruction began almost immediately with a new job and now feel quite stable in my job (despite our new Government's job cuts). <----- Hope that doesn't come back to bite me later.
...and I can go through emotions from each stage in a single day.
But right now, the lows are not soooo low and the highs are tempered with the grounding knowledge that Greg isn't here.
I don't fit a box. I never have. (Five different experts have tried to Meyers-Briggs me over the years .... and narrowed it down to a mix of INFJ and INTJ ... but never able to pin it down to one or the other despite them being flexible definitions).
But I feel like I am growing with grief sitting right next to me.
The intrinsic hope in me surfaces more often than not. It survives those brief forays back to the heart of the fire where it could be turned to ash in an instant.
I am emerging.