Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Some days are diamonds....

...and some days are (insert swearword) ..... just not.

I was recently asked by a relatively new widow whether *this* gets better.
Well ..... thinking back over time, I can honestly say there have been ups and downs but on the whole, I cope with everything better now that the shock has worn off.

.... but then, there will come a day like today when it all comes crashing down in full technicolour glory.

Firstly - our new State government is in the process of axing 20,000 public service jobs.  My contract will be part of the collateral damage.  I will be a 6-week contract away from permanency when it all ends in December.

To top that off, I have a tax bill for the first time ever.  I am still to see any of the money I apparently made  that wasn't gobbled up by my investment advisor, but I still get to pay the tax.  Yippee.

Then of course, there is my ongoing insurance debacle with an insurer who thinks I waited too long before seeking financial compensation for Greg's death (because that's the first thing recently bereaved people think of apparently - not shock and grief and how they are meant to keep breathing in and out .... but how much money they can claim).  <----- sarcasm.

...and then today, I decided to visit Greg's grave.  I don't often go there, but decided I needed to this morning.
....and I found that the little solar light the kids and I had left there in March is gone.  ....and a suspiciously similar one has appeared on a neighbouring grave.
I did not move it back because a) I am a decent human being and b) I can never be sure it is the same one.
But I would like a pointed word or two with the person who decided to move it.

....and I'm sitting here, wondering just how much more I can take before I lose the plot completely.

Surely I've served my time for my crimes (whatever they were). 
Surely I can play a widow card here and get  some relief from this seemingly ceaseless barrage of problems.

But life doesn't work that way.

So this week, sorry - I just can't hold out my hands to help other people up, but instead, hold out my arms in the hope that a lifeline will appear from somewhere else.

But rest assured, as soon as I manage to get both legs back under me and stand up again, I'll be here, helping other people find the solid ground. 


  1. Amanda,
    We are here with you, on good days and bad days. We all have them, and know the challenges every widow/widower faces. It's not all on your shoulders, we'll help you through this. Take each challenge as it comes, one by one, yes, they will keep coming at you and the list will continue to grow, but you can do it. You have already survived the hardest challenge ever, losing your husband, all this other crap is just debris. Hang in there, I'm right there with you.

  2. I freaking love you. That is all.

    1. Right back at you babe. Recalling some of your beautiful words really helped me last night.

    2. so glad to hear that, more ways than one.

  3. Amanda, great post! "I just can't hold my hands.....hope that a lifeline..." I have felt that way this week as well. I understand completely. You are a good person and will soon be back giving back very soon.

  4. Appreciate your honesty. There are times when our arms get tired from reaching out and giving and we need to turn to others who "will hold them up for us" so we can rest - until we get to the other half of that line "some days are diamonds"

  5. I believe that widows should get a "get out of jail free" card....but have learned that there is no such thing; life keeps on happening on top of grief and crap gets dumped on top of crap and nothing goes as planned or is simple. I recently told my daughter, "My life hwas been hard for 17 months and 3 days (the date Marty died), just different degrees of hard."
    I am sorry it's one of those days/times for you. You are not alone. We share them with you and will be your burden bearer, for we do not walk alone.
    Just "do the next thing."

  6. Amanda, thank you for your honesty.

    I could really relate to this statement: "Surely I've served my time for my crimes (whatever they were)."

    At 5 1/2 years since my husband died, I look back and can vividly remember all of the time I spent thinking "what EVER could I had done in this life, or some former life, that I deserved to be exiled from the world and cast into this hell..."

    And then after years of racking my brain and getting nowhere, I realized I was getting nowhere because I was framing the question wrong.

    I came to understand that these things happen to ordinary people, on ordinary days, living ordinary lives. BUT if those ordinary people have their eyes open, these events become EXTRAordinary moments, where we learn extraordinary lessons - lessons... wisdom... that is given to us to pass on to and enrich others.

    And that is where you are. You are in the midst of an extraordinary moment, and you are using the lessons and hard won wisdom to enrich those around you. You're doing just fine, my friend...

    Stephanie C.

    1. Well said, Stephanie.

  7. Amanda,

    As the new widow who asked you that question (I think I am the person to which you refer) I appreciate your honesty. I know that there are times, like this past weekend, when it just overwhelms you...the unfairness of it all. I was away from home and kids all weekend, which was good, but when I got home it all came rushing back. When I wasn't home, I could just imagine he is home looking after the kids, but when I came home, I realize...He is not there and he is never going to be there. Then I just want to go to bed and cry all day and night but I can't because I have three little people depending on me.


    1. Oh Yvette - I didn't want to tell you I just couldn't hold it together for you this week .... but others here can my love and that is why Michele and the SSLF team are a God-send.
      We will hold each other up when we fall. You will make it, I will make it, and this place is where we can do it together. Much love and I promise I will be back on deck soon.XXXX Amanda

    2. Hi Amanda,

      I understand. Everyone has their moments...as my husband would say...no worries. :)

  8. Amanda I have felt like this for months. Trying to sell my home so that I am not alone for another year. By alone I mean no one friends , family etc.. I feel very much the way you do as if I am being punished for some crime. Losing, my husband, mother and best friend all within a little over a year. Being disabled and not being able to collect his SS until 67 which is 21 yrs away. It just seems the great tragic loss is enough all by itself that we should have no more added on until we learn to walk again. I wish I hade some great words but I hope you get that hand to help you up. But from one widow to another I wish there was more I could do. (((Hugs)))

  9. I feel for you. Somedays it seems like the sh*t storm just keeps coming, and not having a companion to discuss or vent with seems to compound the misery. My hubby used to talk and joke with me until I could see that whatever the problem was it wasn't the end of the world as we know it. Somedays and can replay his voice reminding me that it's "just a job, just my boss, just whatever...." and feel a little better but somedays the replay in my head isn't enough and I end up crying myself to sleep. It's been almost 2 years for me and am having more better days but that doesn't make the sucky ones any better.
    Please consider my cyber hand out to you....it will get better!

  10. Thinking of, and praying for, you Amanda. We cannot be strong every day and help the person behind us. Some days all we can do is cling to the rocks we're on. We can't let one finger relax or we'll lose our hold completely and fall into the abyss of grief .... and all of the cold, dark, inkiness it holds.
    And so we stop, hold on .... and catch our breath. And then we reach out for the next rock up. And before we know it, we're reaching behind us, ready to help one person behind us. Someday we're strong enough to help one. Somedays we can help several.
    It's not a straight climb. We all know that. It's full of ups and downs, slips and complete falls.But we do start making more progress than we do setbacks. I think there will always be setbacks. But I also think there will always be progress. Moving one step ahead.
    One day at a time.
    And maybe, just maybe .... that's exactly how it should be. :)

    1. Thanks you Janine ... the past 48 hours have been just awful and I haven't cried so much in a long time.
      But today, I went to work and I felt lighter - doing something I am really good at helps me in so many ways.
      I think this is why I love this place though - we are like a huge safety net with a convenient pressure-release valve attached. We can share our feelings and know that we are not alone and that another widow/er is holding the hope for us until we can see it again. XXAmanda

  11. Thank you everyone. You've no idea how coming home tonight and reading your comments have lifted me. XXXX Amanda

  12. It is a month later since you blogged this and all the responses. Just reading it now, wanted.to ditto everyone and send you a hug and some love. Thank you for giving so much.

  13. I'm fairly new to Widowed Village and I know this is connected to it somehow, but am not sure how, and don't know of any other way to post except as 'anonymous.' I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your comments, Amanda, plus the responses from everyone else. On June 23 it was four years since my husband died after fighting pancreatic cancer for over two years. We had a fantastic 43-year marriage and I miss him more than words can say. Through the grace of God and the support of family and friends I have been able endure, but some days are much harder than others. It helps to read words from others who are also struggling, but are hanging in there. Again... thanks for your comments.... Jeanine