Wednesday, July 4, 2012

This Will Be An Unpopular Post .....

                                                   photo from here

... but at the moment, I don't really give a damn.
I write the truth, as I feel it. And, here's my truth:
I had a great marriage. For almost 25 years. We knew each other for 27 years.
We didn't have a perfect marriage, no one does. But we had a very, very good marriage.
And maybe because of that fact, or so I've heard, I want to be in another great relationship.

Yes, I'm single now. And yes, I'm ok with that.
For now.

And sure, I'll be ok if I remain single for the rest of my life.
But I'll be a lot happier if I have someone to grow old with.

That doesn't always sit well with other widowed people.
I've read comments before that blast people for dating, for looking for love again.
I understand that sentiment.
But it's not my sentiment.
Not by a long shot.

Yes, I just got out of a relationship, and yes, I'm very relieved that it's over. Not that I didn't love him. I did. Very much.
But when my first really "bad day" happened, for the first time in over 8 months ... he couldn't handle it. He ran.

A man who once told me that he would never leave me (which is hard enough for widows to not scoff at) ran at the first sign of imperfection.
And yes, I'm thankful.
A few months after Jim died I realized that my brain had changed. I needed help .... if I was going to survive. If my children were going to have one parent.
And so I went to my dr. And was put on antidepressants.
And life went on.

Until 3 or 4 months ago when my dr. wanted to change my meds. We were going to try a new med. A less "heavy" med.
And so I did.
But I wasn't the same. After a couple of weeks the "man" told me that he didn't think the meds were working. I told him that sometimes it took several weeks and that, for now, I was ok.
But a few weeks later, I was not.

And so I spent one entire day in bed, sleeping .... rather than awake, thinking about doing something that I shouldn't be thinking of doing.
And this "man", proved to be no man at all, by running away from my "bad day".
He couldn't take it. He wanted to make it all about him, and not about what was happening inside of my body .... imside of my brain.

So yes, I'm glad he left.
And for right now, I'm ok being single. But it's not what I want for the rest of my life.
Not at all.

I want te loved.
I want to be held.
I want to grow old with someone.
I want to hold hands.

Does that make me weak? Does that make me "less than". Does that me a dependant person who's not comfortable by herself, in her own skin?
No, not in my opinion.
It means that I once had a really great love and I very much want to have that kind of love again.

I will not settle for less.
I refuse to limit God by saying that it's not possible to have that kind of love again.

Will I find it?
I sure as hell hope so.
But if I don't ..... I'll be ok.
I don't need a man to make me feel whole.

But I sure would like one to grow old with.

But maybe that's just me.
Maybe that's just my truth.

But it IS the truth.


  1. I sure as hell hope so too. For the both of us. XA

    1. Deardarl ....
      You made me laugh out loud! So thank you for that. :)
      And yes .... for the both of us! Cheers!!!

  2. I think this is a great post, and I agree with it. I'm not ready to meet anyone new, but I hope that in the future I will be, and I hope to have the gift of finding another really good man, like my DH.

    1. Thanks, Tracey.
      You'll know when you're ready. And it will feel great when you know that. I hope we both (I hope we ALL) find the person out there who's another really great love, like our spouses.
      DIfferent, yes.
      But may the love be deep and true.

  3. I 100% approve this post. We all want and deserve to be happy. I want someone to grow old with too. Someone to have a connection to. I hope we both find what we are yearning for.

    1. Me, too, Brooke.
      Me, too.
      But if we don't .... I hope we have one hell of a good time looking!

  4. makes sense to me, and so very human.. I had seven blissful years of love with my husband before he died and was widowed at 32. From the beginning, I held out a quiet hope that someday, someone would love me again the way I deserve to be love and let me love them beautifully in return. May we all be so lucky, if that is what we seek! Peace to us all...

    1. Thank you, Anon ... and AMEN to that: Peace to us all. :)
      And may we each be blessed again .... in whatever way blessed us the most.

    2. My loving husband of 4 years (together 8years total) died of a heart attack the day before my 33rd birthday. I never thought I would be happy again. Little did I know that someone I had known casually for the last 5years would turn out to be the answer to the prayer I never knew I prayed. He is perfect for me in every way and SOOO supportive of my situation. He never ceases to amaze me with his constant consideration for my feelings and what I may be going through. Even while dating he would encourage me to talk about my late husband....looking back I realize how hard that must have been for him to hear all these great stories about a man that I still loved, all the while he was patient, loving, and supportive. I thank God everyday because some are lucky to find Love once in this life blessed am I to have found it twice.
      May you all find the love you DESERVE~and a lifetime of happiness

  5. Amen, Janine! That's exactly how I feel and exactly what I've been telling people.
    I had a wonderful 30-year marriage. Like yours and many other marriages, it wasn't perfect. But it was really really good. I was hoping to have a wonderful 60-year marriage, but that wasn't in the cards for us.
    I'm 18 months out and I'm interested in dating. I haven't found anyone yet to even break the ice with, but I'm optimistic that I'll find another great guy. I did a really good job of picking the first one!
    And, like you, I'm okay on my own. I think you have to be okay by yourself before you can be okay with someone else. And I am.
    But I would like to have a lover and companion again. Someone to go to dinner with on Friday nights. Heck, even someone to do the grocery shopping with! It's the little things that I miss doing with someone.
    I don't think we were meant to travel this life alone. We're meant to do it in pairs. I just want to be paired up again with a really great guy. I don't think that's asking too much.
    I woke up alone in bed one night after having rolled into the pillow that I put in that empty spot in the bed, just so the bed feels full. All I could think was that it would be really nice if that pillow were a man that I cared about. Just someone to snuggle up against and have him put his arm up over me and pull me in close to him.
    If my married friends and family members (who have these moments available to them at any time) don't understand that, well phooey on them! Let them spend a few years alone, making all the decisions and handling everything. Then we'll see how they feel about "moving on."

    1. Oh I so miss doing the little things with someone! I just want a companion- exactly what you've described. Dinner, a movie, a stroll through the mall, a walk in the park, a shared cup of coffee- allmost anything. Just someone other than my kids to do something with that makes me feel alive again, like a woman again. It could be out there, I just have to be open to the possibility!

    2. Bogie and Anon,
      Isn't it funny that it really is .... "the little things"? Just saying, "I love you" after each phone call, or before he leaves for work in the morning and before we fall asleep at night.
      And the holding of hands.
      I miss holding Jim's hand.
      Sometimes I can feel my palm ache for it.

      Such a little thing.
      But such a very HUGE thing when it's gone.

      Thank you both for commenting and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts as you shift to "moving forward" in your lives.
      And I hope we get to hear all about it when something truly wonderful happens!

    3. I remember distinctly the first time I was aware of how much I missed the little things. My husband's best friend takes me to dinner around the anniversaries- of his death and of our wedding.
      We usually meet somewhere so I drive my own car. When we were departing, he opened the car door for me and lightly placed his hand on the small of my back as I begin to get in the car. A very small gesture, right? Not so much for a widow who has not had the car door opened for her in two years! It shot through me like a lightening bolt! I, at that moment, realized how sad I was, yearning not for the big trip to Italy I would not take for my 25th anniversary, but for the very small gesture of caring about me safely getting into my car! I knen then, as I dissolved into tears, that I did not want to live my life alone and sad. I know I will someday want a new person in my life because I once had a relationship where someone cared about my comfort and safety.
      If I was a songwriter, I would be composing "the little things". Maybe I can do the lyrics. Obviously your writing has struck a chord with me, no pun intended. Thank you for putting into words how I've been feeling and once again affirming that it's a normal part of my grief process.

  6. No one -- absolutely no one -- has the right to criticize you for this perfectly natural desire to find a new someone special. I wish you luck with your search! Sally

    1. Thanks, Sally.
      You're right ... no one does have the right to judge. About anything in my life, really .... though that doesn't seem to keep some people from doing it. Oh well. I'm guessing they will "rue the day" sooner or later. Everyone does, I think.
      As far as my search goes .... I'm not searching. I'm waiting, being patient ... and enjoying the time I have left with my youngest child before he graduates. And I'm enjoying being able to be with myself and to BE myself ..... without consulting anyone else.

  7. Amen. I completely feel the same way, but it has taken me a few years to get to this place. My husband died three years and three months ago and I haven't always been receptive to the possibility of new love. I've come to realize that I would love to grow old with someone wonderful, who isn't my husband. But you can't be a partner in a great marriage and then let yourself compromise and be involved in something less than great. It would be better to be alone. But I sure hope that there is someone out there for me because being in a great relationship (not perfect!) is such a sweet way to live... Here's hoping we all find sweetness again!

    1. Debbie,
      It is indeed a "sweet way to live".
      It takes every single one of us a different amount of time to reach this point. I pray that you, too, will find a wonderful love .... again.

  8. Yes! Yes! Yes! What I love about your posts Janine is you dare to say it. What is wrong with people that they think the only way you can "prove" you had a happy marriage and a great love is to cover yourself in ashes and wear black and NEVER EVER love again.
    What fcking stupid nonsense! I can't stand the sanctimonious comments of - It was all so perfect I will never love again.
    I can say this because I feel I met and fell in love with the love of my life, my best friend and love for over 35 years. I loved him so hard that when he died I was shocked I didn't just drop dead from the grief. No one ever can tell me I have to prove my love to him. We loved each other until his last breath.

    He told me "fall in love again" and I knew if it came along - I would let myself fall.
    It scares me. I still have many moments of doubt. I have so much grief and pain. Yet -
    I have fallen in love.
    It is not the same.
    I never expected it would be. It can't be. A different person = a different love.
    But it can still be good.
    I am pretty sure I don't want to marry ever again. But I won't give up love because of that.
    Life is meant to be embraced, love makes it more wonderful, I don't need another love. I want one. I want to love, make love, laugh, talk, travel, be friends.
    If this doesn't work out. I won't give up.
    Love is (as Debbie says) "such a sweet way to live".

    If you want love - may it find you - open hearted.

    To those who don't - please don't label us "bad widows" because we do.

    1. Anon,
      I am so very happy for you. Very.
      Thanks for sharing your story with the rest of us. We all give each other hope when we do that.
      I'm not going to be looking for a very long time. Sometimes I think the less you look, the more you find.
      I also think that "wanting" to love again sometimes takes a very long time for a large amount of widowed people. I know that for me, during that first god-awful year, the thought of loving someone else made me sick to my stomach. And sounded almost vulgar.
      But one year later .... just after the 2 year point, I woke up one day and knew that I was ready. I wasn't sure what to do with that knowledge (and truth be told, still don't!) .... but at least I knew it. Something inside of me had changed. Not my love for Jim. Not my grief over losing him. But something .... way deep inside of me, had shifted.
      And all I can say is that it's like everything else we experience on this path (the timing of taking off our rings, removing their clothes, moving, etc.) .... you will know that you are ready when you are ready. And not a moment before.

    2. Janine - you have given me hope so many times. I almost killed myself one night. I came here to this blog in the middle of the night and poured out my heart. You were the one who answered.
      I have never forgotten.
      I understand everyone has their own timetable. You once said there is no right way. We all do it a bit differently.
      Yes that shift.
      For me it was the urgency to live that his illness and death caused in me.
      The realization - we only have so much time. Life is so short.
      For me - I am not even sure if I was ready. I only know the love felt like peace. It felt like a safe harbour and a home.
      The love is given unconditionally, with no expectations of moving in or marriage or declarations.
      It is just given freely.
      It may not last.
      Sometimes I am scared it will and they will get sick and die.
      At other times I think - what happens if it is a rebound relationship, or I am just lonely or they are just so darned sweet.
      In the end - I don't care.
      It is here.
      I open my arms and my heart and trust like all the other things. I will know.

      Thanks for your sharing. I am so glad that you are on the right track and will find some relief. We live in our bodies. We know when they are working and when they aren't .
      Peace to you

    3. Anon -- Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I'm thankful that I was here that night and responded. And I'm glad you're still here. I've been in that very spot and am sometimes really surprised that I, too, am still here.
      How wonderful that you found love again, and that you're taking it one day at a time, which is just how life should be lived.
      Because you are exactly right .... life is too short.
      I pray that you enjoy this love for a very, very long time. :)
      Peace to you, too.

  9. Janine, you're beautiful! I hope that the meds are straightened out and working well for you. What a terrible experience. And so you emerge, even stronger than before. Wishing you lots of love.

    1. Anon,
      I sure wish I knew who you were. You made my face light up like the 4th of July! Yes, that could indeed be because it was the 4th of July, but I think it's because you are a beautiful person, inside and out. Thank you so much for your very, very kind words.
      The meds are working very well .... can't wait to go back to my dr. in 2 weeks (leaving town this weekend) and inform her that I am my own doctor. And sometimes a pretty damn good one.
      Though not always.
      The funny thing is (NOT funny-ha-ha, by a long shot, but funny-strange) that I called her office after a month, in tears, telling the receptionist that I needed to get off of that other med ASAP and back on my original one. She said she'd talk to my doctor and call me back.
      ONE WEEK (yes, actually it was about NINE DAYS) she called me back .... just to say that my doctor wanted to see me before chaining anything. I said "Thanks" and hung up. Since then I've been too pissed to call and stayed on those meds. But no more. Thankfully I've always known when I am reaching the point of no return, and so far, have been able to reach out and do something about it. Her office is very, very lucky that I'm not dead.
      Hugely lucky.
      Or maybe that's just me.

    2. Oh no, it's not you. They are HUGELY lucky. That receptionist should be fired, or at least reprimanded, for not following up on a phone call that was so important and involved medication for depression. That is a very serious breach that your doctor should made aware of even if she doesn't do anything about it. At least you know you've been heard! I'm glad you were able to recognize your symptoms and adjust accordingly. And you are your own best doctor sometimes!

    3. Thanks, Elizabeth ..... I do intend to talk to her about it when I go back in a couple of weeks. There really is no excuse for what happened. If it had been someone else who's newer to this sucky depression animal (like I was 4 years ago) they might not have known how dangerously close they were .... or what to do to stop it.
      While I hate with every fiber of my being that my brain now requires this medication, and always will, I also feel blessed. Blessed that there's something available to pull me back from the brink of that very black, very cold hole that I've considering jumping into.
      Very, very blessed.

    4. Hi Janine, just stopping by to say hi again... I'm "Anonymous" above and so happy to hear my post about the meds brought a smile to your face! :)! The response from your doctor's office is horrifying. So frightening to think about the extreme need for self-advocacy and educating oneself when we're supposed to be able to rely on our healthcare providers. I'm so glad to hear you have come through this and are doing well!!! - Maria

  10. Hi
    I think no marriage is perfect. But I think it is a testament of how good your marriage was that you want to be married again. Let face it if your marriage sucked you would be happy to be by yourself.

    I lost my husband Easter Sunday and my journey down this terrible road has really only begun. Initially, my mind raced and I thought my I AM ALONE, and I wanted a replacement immediately (I did not act on this). But then my brain kicked in and I realized they would have to be pretty dam special to fill my husband shoes. So now I know I just have to walk this road alone until I have worked through my grief and hopefully someday I will come out the other side and I will meet someone.

    1. Anonymous, Your experience is the exact one I have had. I am a little over 6 months out and at first I was thinking I really need to fill this void. (I didn't) I'm now at the place where I know my DH is a tough act to follow and until I'm ready to let go of the expectations that that leaves I need to go it alone and not expect someone else to be him. Someday I will be ready, right now is just not that someday.... yet.

    2. My husband name was Ron too

    3. I know some very good men named Ron.

    4. Anon,
      I totally agree. My desire to be loved again IS a testament to my marriage and to my husband.
      Unfortunately I have found out in the past 4 1/2 years that good marriages, no ..... GREAT marriages .... are very few and far between. In fact, most of the people I know closely don't have great marriages. So I know that I was, and am, blessed. I am so sad for my friends who don't experience that in their daily lives. What a waste.
      Easter Sunday! Yet another completely sucky day on which to lose your spouse. Not that there's a good day, but some just seem to be worse than others .... because of the pain and emotions they inflict as a holiday, birthday, anniversary .... or any day that should be special.
      I think you're doing great. Maybe that's just for today .... and if it is, that's ok, too. This road is not a very straight and well-paved one ..... though you'd think it would be with the number of people who have trodden down it.
      It's a difficult road, but a road that can be traveled .... and left. That's for certain. You are on your way and we are all here, walking beside you, pulling for you.

  11. I feel the same way as you do. I've only been widowed for a very short time and already I want to be held, and loved, and kissed, and hold hands and giggle with someone. I feel like I'm betraying my Husband by wanting these things, but he's not here anymore and I'm so lonely and lost without him. He was my guiding truest friend....I loved him with all my heart and soul...but here I am feeling like I need to have the affection we used to share. We were touching all the time and I feel so very empty. I'm ashamed I feel like this.

    1. I would not feel ashamed, it is the way you feel. You are not betraying your husband, he loved you and would want you to be happy.

    2. MrsZad,
      Your husband would most likely want the very same thing if you had been the one who died. It's not something to be ashamed of but something to be proud of and to celebrate. You had a great marriage and you long for that relationship .... or another great relationship. That IS a tribute to your marriage and to your husband. I hope you can let go of the guilt and shame, it's such an energy sucker and waster. Instead, forces on how wonderful it is that your husband treated you so well that you long for that again .... and sooner rather than later. But .... this stage may pass soon and then you'll feel repulsed by the thought of being with another man. That, too, will pass. And even if neither of these feelings pass, please know that, too, is normal. You, and every single way you are experiencing your grief, is normal.
      But hopefully you can turn the shame into pride .... for your husband and for what the two of you had.

  12. I'm 3 weeks into my grief journey after only 375 days of marriage (3 years and 3 days of knowing each other - June's going to suck in the future), but completely agree - I do want to have someone in our lives (my son and I). I believe my Mum sent me my husband, and that when the time is right, he'll send me someone to love alongside of him.

    1. Oh, dear sweet Trifectagirl ......
      As I write quite often on my personal blog ..... T.A.N.W. I There Are No Words)
      And sometimes, in fact many times .... there aren't. My heart breaks at the thought of you being 3 weeks out .... after 375 days of marriage and 3 year and 3 years of knowing each other.
      The amount of time doesn't matter one iota. Death is death and loss is loss. Especially when it's half of your heart, soul and being.
      I'm thinking of you and joining you in believing that your sweet husband is up there right now, busy choosing just the right man for you. I hope that my Jim is with him, giving him some pointers. Although Jim could really get on the stick and get this done soon, in my opinion!!

  13. Thanks for this post, Janine! It's a powerful thing to speak the truth, especially when it can be an unpopular one. I am praying for you to find a love that is worthy of such a strong woman!

    1. Thank you so much, Vee. I pray for it, too .... knowing that many times, the answer to a pray is a big fat "No!". At least that my experience on December 18th, 2007. But I'm back to trying.
      Never give up, right?

  14. Janine, I really hope one day that I can meet you because I would give you the biggest hug ever. You are so totally honest and that is incredible. I could have written this post myself but would have never had the nerve to do so. I am 27 months out and long to share a relationship with a man. I want to know that someone out there loves me and cares deeply for me. That in no way, defies or negates the wonderful marriage of 28 years that I shared with my husband. In fact, my longings reinforce that. As someone previously said, our husbands would want us to be happy. I always told my husband that if anything happened to me, he should definitely move on to another wonderful woman, like me! LOL

    Thank you for being you!!!!

    1. The feeling is mutual. However, if we do get to meet, you'll have to tell me which Anonymous you are!!! I would love to meet you. And love even more to receive that huge hug. I can't get enough of hugs these days .... as I'm sure the rest of you can understand.

  15. "Does that make me weak?" In no way, shape, or form does it make you week. It makes you honest, it makes you aware of yourself, it makes you want to live in a way that is full of every thing possible. I couldn't agree more- and those that think it makes you weak are... well... just wrong. :)

  16. Thank you for your words of encouragement about my shame. I feel the shame because I have only been widowed a short time. I feel like it's betraying him if I feel the need/want/desire to have those feelings with someone else. I just miss it all so much.

  17. Dear MrsZad -
    Please .
    Please! Feel no shame.
    You are human.
    You were loved and wish to love again.
    I think it is a normal human desire to wish to be cared for and to care for another.
    We are social animals.
    If we had it - and were happy.
    We now don't have it at all and we crave it.
    Is love a drug?
    I don't know but I do know the withdrawal is pretty powerful
    I had my husband for 36 years. When he died - I almost took my life.
    Three times
    I once laid in bed and almost didn't make it out.
    Every day of my life I spent with someone I loved and best of all thought of as my best friend.
    When he died a part of me also died.
    Now 18 months out. Love has come again.
    No not the same.
    Not him.
    Someone not at all like him in many ways except one - they love me and they are kind.
    I said "yes" because saying no would be like saying no to life.
    I don't feel shame or guilt. I tell everyone I loved him until the last breath. I kept my vows. I am no longer married.
    There is no time frame on love or life or happiness.
    If you can have any of them - take them now before their gone.

  18. Thank you for your honest words. I was just one year out and stumbled into love again...totally by chance. Here we are, a year+ later and doing well. It is nice to have someone miss me if I get home late and to celebrate the good times with. It IS different and I try not to compare but to me, this love is sweeter because the second time around I know how fleeting life can be and I treasure every moment and never take it for granted. It's a bonus that I never anticipated. May all of us be blessed with love and laughter.

    1. Dear Anon,
      Thank you so very much for your encouraging words. They give many of us hope. And hope is a desperately needed commodity.
      Not everyone could find someone .... or allow themselves to find someone .... at one year. I'm glad you saw it and knew what it was .... and grabbed on to it.
      I don't doubt that you treasure every single moment.
      I know I would.
      And isn't that a wonderful gift?

  19. such great words. such truth. I too struggle with this and have only now, seven years later, started to think about what I may want in a relationship. I have been lucky to find a man who is caring, but he is also in another we don't see each other everyday. There are advantages and disadvantages. I love being with him, but that if far and has started me thinking about what I want tho' and I haven't thought about that in a real way in a long time. I too want someone to grow old with, hold hands with, come home and share my day with...not weak, know I can survive without it, but want it nonetheless.
    thanks for your words-

    1. Dear widowisland,
      I'm glad that you've found someone special. Who knows? Maybe that distance will change. Or maybe you'll decide to look closer around you. I, too, think it would be difficult to have a long distance relationship, but I know some terrific people (some widowed!) who made it work during their widowhood. Well, I guess we'll always have our "widowhood" .... I'm not sure we ever stop being a widow. But ..... I've seen that it can be done. Closely .... or long distance. It's different for everyone .... thank God. :)
      Good luck with your decisions. And enjoy that hand-holding when it happens!

  20. Just recently found this site. Visited several times and I leave here in tears every time. Every word hits so close to home. I hope someday I can find love again. At this point I haven't even found myself attracted to anyone else. I know I will have to come across somebody very special. I don't expect them to be perfect, just perfect for me. It has been about 1 1/2 years since I lost my soul mate. I don't khow how many of those you can have in a lifetime.

    1. Anon,
      I chose to believe that you can find as many soul mates as you need. Of course we all thought we had found the only one. And then we didn't. I used to believe there was just one person out there who was perfect for me. But no longer. Again, if I limit myself to that way of thinking, I'm limiting what God can do. I have learned to never, ever underestimate God. That's not everyone's truth, but it is mine.
      And no, we won't find someone perfect. Good grief, what kind of pressure would that be to live with?!!! Yikes!! But yes, someone who is perfect for us. I think you'll see him when you least expect it.

    2. Janine, that's what I always said about my husband. He wasn't perfect but he was perfect for me! That's what I want again. Someone who is perfect for who I am now. Cuz, let's face it, I've changed!

  21. I can't understand why anyone feels the need to chastise anyone of us for wanting to date. That also goes for NOT wanting to date. Before I met my husband dating was an excercise in toture. Right now I have these two kids and I am a full time student...who the hell has the time to give to a dating life...UGH...Yuck...seems like a hassle at this point in my life espcially given how much I hated Dating the first time. Then there is the fact that i had to agree to "end treatment" for a comatose husband with whom I had never had a conversation about his wishes in our 17 yrs together. The stats are still that women outlive men so the thought of falling in love and probably watch him die too...ummm...not too appealing a prospect for me at this point in my journey.
    I like to say my pick up line would be like this
    "I just met you..and this is you have a DNR for adult children who can make health descisions for ya..Yes!?....Here's my number, So call me...maybe"
    This is change...may not. Each of us live our journey, our way. There may be many similarities but I don't see the dating workshop on my CWE schedule anytime soon but I think its great for those who want to jump in or dip thier toes. I support all of you.

    1. kalevesque,
      EXACTLY!!! It is right, or isn't right .... depending on who's answering the question. And we should support each other wherever they are on this road. We're all in this together, really, so why not give each other as much love and light as we can. We all know we need it!
      And I LOVE your "first meeting question"!! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!!! I've also thought of asking for a current bill of health from their physician. But in reality, a perfectly healthy person can be gone in a moment .... from all kinds of outside influences.
      So when the time is right, and you are the only person who will know that, I hope you have a blast. Enjoy being with someone for as long as it lasts.
      And in the meantime, enjoy your time with your children. They are what matters most right now.

  22. There are days I totally agree and days I prefer the alone, for now. My marriage was so wonderful it is tough to are honestand that is what matters. We have learned on this journet our own truths...thank you and be well

  23. Santadeb ..... I think we all have those days. But I think the key thing is WHEN we arrive at the conclusion that we can't keep trying to compare. Not our marriages. Not our husbands/wives.
    I expect that the man I end up with (please, God!) will not be like Jim. He'll have some of the good characteristics, of course, because that's the kind of man I'm drawn to, but I think he'll be very different in most ways. And I'm ok with that. I don't want a man who will be just like Jim. Then it would definitely feel like I was trying to re-create what cannot be re-created. Ever.
    Yes, we have each learned, and are still learning (Please, God again!) our own truths. All at our own pace. Which is the perfect pace for us.
    I wish you well ..... thanks for the support.

  24. J,
    I'm curious as to know where you've read comments before that blast people for dating. I'm in the opposite situation....I'm chastised by friends and family almost daily because I choose not to date. (Similar situation as "kalevesque" above...busy working full time and raising 2 kids, who has time? Not to mention where in the world do you meet a good man these days when you're in your FORTIES?????)

    But I don't look down on those who DO choose to date. Carole Brody Fleet blogged about this one before, too, and she also said that people put her down for dating after widowhood. I haven't come across that. Where are these people? I'd like to slap them upside the back of their heads.

    Anyway...glad to hear you dumped the guy that couldn't take your "bad day". If they can't take your "bad day" then they do not deserve you. If you want it enough, you will find it. You have my support....

    1. Thanks Janine for posting this:)
      I'd like to find love again.
      My husband died three months ago after battling blood cancer for more than three years.
      He was ill most of the time we were together - though we were incredibly happy beforehand and even during treatments, until the end.
      It was a second marriage for both of us, and I'd found myself a tall, very strong, fit man.
      Like some who've commented here I wonder sometimes what I've done wrong to be "punished" - which is not a productive way to think.
      Now I'm all alone and I haven't had s*x for nearly two years. The stem cell transplant killed his potency which was a sadness for both of us.
      Definitely I don't want to think I'll be totally alone forever.
      I don't feel ready yet to start dating but I have looked online and one day will join a dating site.
      We met online five years ago and clicked instantly on our first date so I know it can happen. However, I can see men on the site who were there when I joined the site 6 years ago! I would not be interested in a permanent, professional single.