photo from here
... but at the moment, I don't really give a damn.
I write the truth, as I feel it. And, here's my truth:
I had a great marriage. For almost 25 years. We knew each other for 27 years.
We didn't have a perfect marriage, no one does. But we had a very, very good marriage.
And maybe because of that fact, or so I've heard, I want to be in another great relationship.
Yes, I'm single now. And yes, I'm ok with that.
And sure, I'll be ok if I remain single for the rest of my life.
But I'll be a lot happier if I have someone to grow old with.
That doesn't always sit well with other widowed people.
I've read comments before that blast people for dating, for looking for love again.
I understand that sentiment.
But it's not my sentiment.
Not by a long shot.
Yes, I just got out of a relationship, and yes, I'm very relieved that it's over. Not that I didn't love him. I did. Very much.
But when my first really "bad day" happened, for the first time in over 8 months ... he couldn't handle it. He ran.
A man who once told me that he would never leave me (which is hard enough for widows to not scoff at) ran at the first sign of imperfection.
And yes, I'm thankful.
A few months after Jim died I realized that my brain had changed. I needed help .... if I was going to survive. If my children were going to have one parent.
And so I went to my dr. And was put on antidepressants.
And life went on.
Until 3 or 4 months ago when my dr. wanted to change my meds. We were going to try a new med. A less "heavy" med.
And so I did.
But I wasn't the same. After a couple of weeks the "man" told me that he didn't think the meds were working. I told him that sometimes it took several weeks and that, for now, I was ok.
But a few weeks later, I was not.
And so I spent one entire day in bed, sleeping .... rather than awake, thinking about doing something that I shouldn't be thinking of doing.
And this "man", proved to be no man at all, by running away from my "bad day".
He couldn't take it. He wanted to make it all about him, and not about what was happening inside of my body .... imside of my brain.
So yes, I'm glad he left.
And for right now, I'm ok being single. But it's not what I want for the rest of my life.
Not at all.
I want te loved.
I want to be held.
I want to grow old with someone.
I want to hold hands.
Does that make me weak? Does that make me "less than". Does that me a dependant person who's not comfortable by herself, in her own skin?
No, not in my opinion.
It means that I once had a really great love and I very much want to have that kind of love again.
I will not settle for less.
I refuse to limit God by saying that it's not possible to have that kind of love again.
Will I find it?
I sure as hell hope so.
But if I don't ..... I'll be ok.
I don't need a man to make me feel whole.
But I sure would like one to grow old with.
But maybe that's just me.
Maybe that's just my truth.
But it IS the truth.