.... when I talk about Jim.
Not every time.
But if the conversation has depth to it, or if it's been a particualrly hard week (for whatever reason) .... I still cry.
I still miss him.
After 4 1/2 years.
I have been spending this week in Oregon, with family I haven't seen in 20 years. People I haven't seen since Jim died.
We've spoken on the phone, of course, but we haven't seen each other, spent time with each other .... they hadn't met the "after me", until a few days ago.
They still love me.
They still hurt for me.
They're still here.
I find myself telling them some of the things they've missed over the past 4 plus years. And I cry.
In one way, it's like going back in time and re-living the last 4 years to catch them up. Thus the tears.
But in another way, it shows me how very far I've come and how strong I've become. With no tears.
Not that tears are an indication of growth .... or non-growth. I don't believe that at all. Some days are just teary.
And then there might be a oouple of months that go by with absolutely no tears.
Sometimes there are indications that waves are to be expected.
Sometimes, there are no indications at all. But truthfully. those times occur less frequently now.
Though they still occur.
This has been a wavy trip. And I didn't expect the waves. I don't even remember to look for the waves too often now.
I think that this will increase as time goes by .... the "not remembering to look for the waves".
And I think, that no matter how much time goes by .... even if I live to be 100 (which I sincerely hope I don't) there will always be tears.
Just as I don't think tears are an indication of growth, or non-growth. I don't think tears
will ever be an indication of where I am in my grief .... of where I am emotionally.
I know that I am ready to meet another love.
But another love does not mean that I wll not miss/love/cry for .... Jim.
And that love will understand that.
And still be secure in my love for him.
I guess my point in writing this .... is to let you know ..... that the tears will still come.
But that's ok.
No matter how much time has passed.
No matter where you are in life.
So don't worry.
Don't doubt your progress.
Don't doubt your strength.
Some days .... are just teary.