Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I Still Cry ....

Picture from here

.... when I talk about Jim.
Not every time.
Not always.
But if the conversation has depth to it, or if it's been a particualrly hard week (for whatever reason) .... I still cry.
I still miss him.
After 4 1/2 years.

I have been spending this week in Oregon, with family I haven't seen in 20 years. People I haven't seen since Jim died.
We've spoken on the phone, of course, but we haven't seen each other, spent time with each other .... they hadn't met the "after me", until a few days ago.

They still love me.
They still hurt for me.
They're still here.

I find myself telling them some of the things they've missed over the past 4 plus years. And I cry.
In one way, it's like going back in time and re-living the last 4 years to catch them up. Thus the tears.

But in another way, it shows me how very far I've come and how strong I've become. With no tears.
Not that tears are an indication of growth .... or non-growth. I don't believe that at all. Some days are just teary.

And then there might be a oouple of months that go by with absolutely no tears.

Sometimes there are indications that waves are to be expected.
Sometimes, there are no indications at all. But truthfully. those times occur less frequently now.
Though they still occur.

This has been a wavy trip. And I didn't expect the waves. I don't even remember to look for the waves too often now.

I think that this will increase as time goes by .... the "not remembering to look for the waves".
And I think, that no matter how much time goes by .... even if I live to be 100 (which I sincerely hope I don't) there will always be tears.

Just as I don't think tears are an indication of growth, or non-growth. I don't think tears
will ever be an indication of where I am in my grief .... of where I am emotionally.

I know that I am ready to meet another love.
But another love does not mean that I wll not miss/love/cry for .... Jim.
And that love will understand that.
And still be secure in my love for him.

I guess my point in writing this .... is to let you know ..... that the tears will still come.
But that's ok.
No matter how much time has passed.
No matter where you are in life.

So don't worry.
Don't doubt your progress.
Don't doubt your strength.

Some days .... are just teary.


  1. So true a post! It's been 3 years for me. Ready for new love too that understands.

  2. Thank you Janine! This post fit my day. I went to the doctor this morning and the receptionist asked rather loudly if my emergency contact was still my husband. Without thinking I blurted out "no, he is dead". When I turned around to return to my seat and saw the sad eyes around the room that had affixed a stare on me, the tears just came. But, this is a doctor visit that I had rescheduled 3 times in the last 9 months because I wasn't strong enough to handle it on my own. Finally, I did it with tears but I feel strong today.

    Thanks so much for your wise words of wisdom and encouragement!

  3. Ugh! so grateful for this post. Spent most of yesterday in and out of tears and I can't really figure out why. Maybe it was beautiful and sunny and I wished he was alive and he will never be alive again.
    From morning to night . . . .every hour or couple of hours, until bed and a song reduced me to the big cry.
    Just the wave coming out of nowhere to remind me to keep sailing.
    Thanks Janine.
    You are the best.

  4. So true, 34 months since, and some days are still hard. I just miss him SOOOO much, some days the pain is still hard. It's not a measure of strength, but that I still love him and had loved him with all my heart and soul and it's totally OK to cry - we are human, with emotions and they deserve us to think of them, be strong, smile, miss them, all of it, it's a tough journey and many days are OK now, but some make you stumble and feel the loss......

  5. i am in total agreement here. hadn't had a hard day in what seemes like months until the 4th of July. then, all of a sudden, it got hard. especially the loneliness and wanting to share life with another. thanks for sharing this, Janine! blessings on you :o)

  6. Janine you're words are so true. Tears are tears that'll come and go. Sometimes they appear at the most unexpected times. It's been 12 years since my husband of 28 years died suddenly. Tears still appear at the cemetery, in church or other totally unexpected times. I remarried a wonderful man in 2007. He and I share the loss of our spouses and will always hold them in our hearts. We know our loving spouses will always be a part of our lives. We have photos and memories of them scattered throughout the house. Keep sharing your tears, struggles and successes with others. It DOES help. Author of Twenty-Eight Snow Angels: A Widow's Story of Love, Loss and Renewal

    1. It will be four years for me next month and I agree Janine, the tears still come at odd or unexpected times. I have adapted to riding out those waves.

      Diane, I read your book and it left me with a renewed mind and spirit. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

  7. So very true. It's been 3 1/2 years and the tears don't come as often, but every once in a while, without warning there they are. I too had a difficult 4th of July, feel very lonely and am still missing him so much.

  8. The unexpected waves of grief (and the subsequent tears) are the hardest. I expect to be sad on his birthday, our anniversary, etc. But a random Wednesday in July that suddenly turns me to mush is tough. There's no rhyme or reason. I'm just "weepy" as I call it. No explanation. I just am.

  9. I stumbled upon this post and it couldn't have come at a better time. I have been 'weepy' for the past three days. My husband died in a car accident 8 months ago. You think you are 'ok'. Then, the wave hits. So good to know others understand and that I don't need an explanation. Love that line, bogie...I just am! hugs to all

  10. I'll be seeing you
    In all the old familiar places
    That this heart of mine embraces
    All day through.

    In that small cafe;
    The park across the way;
    The children's carousel;
    The chestnut trees;
    The wishin' well.

    I'll be seeing you
    In every lovely summer's day;
    In every thing that's light and gay.
    I'll always think of you that way.

    I'll find you
    In the morning sun
    And when the night is new.
    I'll be looking at the moon,
    But I'll be seeing you.

    I'll be seeing you
    In every lovely summer's day;
    In every thing that's light and gay.
    I'll always think of you that way.

    I'll find you
    In the morning sun
    And when the night is new.
    I'll be looking at the moon,
    But I'll be seeing you.

  11. Some days I just "leak" tears. Often for no particular reason and sometimes for a very real reason. I used to try and stop the leak, plug it up, soldier on, but now I just let it flow! I will always have waves, they are a force of nature that can't be stopped. We both loved the ocean so maybe those waves are his love and protection crashing over me when I need it the most!