Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Maybe I'm crazy
Sometimes I am positive I get signs from Greg.
Like psychic stuff.
(...and now you will all think I have finally lost my ever-loving mind for thinking I can talk to dead people).
I am a scientist for goodness' sake.
I am trained to be a sceptic.
But sometimes I have dreams. *Clear* dreams. Clear dreams that sometimes eventuate soon after. Like when I dreamed Greg had died and woke in a cold, gasping sweat ..... about a month before he was killed.Never had a dream like it before or since.
I had a series of "things" happen recently that resulted in me making a giant leap forward (and a tiny backwards step).
I think that was Greg pushing me onwards because he knew I was so frightened to take that first step.
...and that step started with a dream.
Sometimes I have recurring dreams where I am thrilled to have finally found Greg after searching for so long. ....and we hug and talk and connect and then I beg and beg and beg him to come home or to at least visit the children ....and he refuses every time. It's like a rejection from the one man I could always count on to love me no matter what. ...and a rejection of our children, and I know they were his pride and joy. He always explains that he would if he could, but no amount of wheedling and begging results in him agreeing to return to us. He is uncharacteristically and annoyingly firm on that score.
Once, when I found him in a dream, I asked him WHY he had to die. WHY him? ...and his answer was a clear as could be: "there was a car accident". Derrrrr. He didn't have the all-knowing Reason either.
Maybe this is all just my brain trying to fathom the unfathomable; process the un-processable.
That's what Scientist Me would say.
...but then I add the dream to the coincidental "thing" (out of the blue phonecall from someone straight after a dream / extreme "luck" following a dream about that same thing happening / flashing neon light in front of my face / just *knowing* stuff/ before I could possibly know / almost always knowing who is going to be on the end of the ringing phone / etc etc etc) and it adds up to a coincidence so huge that it is almost impossible for my mind to accept that so many "things" could just be "coincidental".
...and Psychic Me declares "SIGN".
It's crazy, this place my mind inhabits.
Where hard science and para-science sit side by side, not talking, not even acknowledging each other.
.....but then, I believed (still) in God for so long without questioning the idea that my beliefs and scientific knowledge sat side by side, nodding to each other and in perfect agreement in my head ... one is the process that describes the other.
Why should this belief be any different?
Maybe I am crazy.
Maybe I am not.
I don't think I really care anymore.... if this crazy, magical thinking means I feel better about my life, then I'll take it over despair any day.
(But please tell me I'm not the only one here. Please tell me I'm not crazy .... or that you are all crazy right here with me).