Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Maybe I'm crazy

Sometimes I am positive I get signs from Greg.

Like psychic stuff. 
(...and now you will all think I have finally lost my ever-loving mind for thinking I can talk to dead people).

I am a  scientist for goodness' sake. 
I am trained to be a sceptic.
But sometimes I have dreams.  *Clear* dreams.  Clear dreams that sometimes eventuate soon after.  Like when I dreamed Greg had died and woke in a cold, gasping sweat ..... about a month before he was killed.Never had a dream like it before or since. 

I had a series of "things" happen recently that resulted in me making a giant leap forward (and a tiny backwards step).
I think that was Greg pushing me onwards because he knew I was so frightened to take that first step. 
...and that step started with a dream.

Sometimes I have  recurring dreams  where I am thrilled to have finally found Greg after searching for so long.  ....and we hug and talk and connect and then I beg and beg and beg him to come home or to at least visit the children ....and he refuses every time.  It's like a rejection from the one man I could always count on to love me no matter what.  ...and a rejection of our children, and I know they were his pride and joy.  He always explains that he would if he could, but no amount of wheedling and begging results in him agreeing to return to us.  He is uncharacteristically and annoyingly firm on that score.

 Once, when I found him in a dream,  I asked him WHY he had to die.  WHY him? ...and his answer was a clear as could be: "there was a car accident".  Derrrrr.  He didn't have the all-knowing Reason either.

Maybe this is all just my brain trying to fathom the unfathomable; process the un-processable.
That's what Scientist Me would say.
...but then I add the dream to the coincidental "thing" (out of the blue phonecall from someone straight after a dream / extreme "luck" following a dream about that same thing happening / flashing neon light in front of my face / just *knowing* stuff/ before I could possibly know / almost always knowing who is going to be on the end of the ringing phone / etc etc etc) and it adds up to a coincidence so huge that it is almost impossible for my mind to accept that so many "things" could just be "coincidental".
...and Psychic Me declares "SIGN".


It's crazy, this place my mind inhabits. 
Where hard science and para-science sit side by side, not talking, not even acknowledging each other.
.....but then, I believed (still) in God for so long without questioning the idea that my beliefs and scientific knowledge sat side by side, nodding to each other and in perfect agreement in my head ... one is the process that describes the other.
 Why should this belief be any different?

Maybe I am crazy.
Maybe I am not.

I don't think I really care anymore.... if this crazy, magical thinking means I feel better about my life, then I'll take it over despair any day.

(But please tell me I'm not the only one here.  Please tell me I'm not crazy .... or that you are all crazy right here with me).


  1. i have dreamt more than once that my dude came back from being away,initially in the early days of grief i woke upset,now i think i enjoy i have found him,there are no questions really,except "where have you been " then no answers ....at least now after 2 years 5 months i can maybe accept that ,so you are not mad or crazy,our brains work in weird ways,will we ever understand all that ? !

  2. not even the slightest crazy. That you are a scientist means you are not flaky, and therefore not swayed by trifles. You and I have both had lots of these experiences, and I have to say, sometimes the voice in my head says "amanda would love this one." So there - your crazy validates mine, and they are in crazy land together, knowing there is far more to this than we can know.

  3. Amanda, I get signs all of the time from my late husband and actually got signs from my grandfather before he died.My grand father use to hide one dollar bills in my pockets.When we knew my husband was going to die, for days I would find dollars in pockets. I even found one in our front yard mysteriously no one had walked there except me. After he died there were a few songs that play- All ready Gone, was one that played to let me know that I needed to move on and the words you can not have a relationship with a dead man kept being spoken in my head- he wanted me to move on and find love again. Needless to say, I still miss him, but see signs all the time like his favorite bird showing up at imortant events!

  4. after my Jose died i had a dream so real i could feel his skin and smell his cologne. when he got ready to leave i tried to follow him and he stopped me smiling the most beautiful smile id ever seen and told me i cant go with him but hed be back for me soon. i woke up and the smell of his cologne was lingering in the air. ive talked to him begged for signs and songs have came on with anmswers dealing with me questions. so if youre going crazy then i am too.

  5. I could have written this post, substituting my own personal details of course. You are not crazy.

  6. If you are crazy Amanda then so am I.
    Because last night I had a dream where I was so frustrated in my life and at the height of it when I had thrown something and said "I hate my life" my husband appeared. I ran to him and said "I don't hate my life I am just so upset and frustrated and nothing is going right" I was crying and he hugged me so tight and smiled and said "what is it going to take to fix this?"
    He was so ALIVE that I woke up in complete shock - when I realized again - he is dead! I have dreamt of him before. I too have had dreams of calling him on the phone and pleading with him to come home> he always responds "I am sorry. I can't" but he seems okay sometimes even happy.
    Last night was different. Last night he was so ALIVE it was like I could feel his heartbeat against my cheek as I leaned into his arms. I haven't dreamt of him in that way before. Did I wish him alive again?
    Was it a coincidence that yesterday I had a moment of shock when I (once again) calculated how long it has been since he has been gone. I was stunned to think in a few months it will be 2 years! How can that be.

    When I woke last night. My grief felt brand new again. (a step back) painful, shocking, the gaping future without him in it and I lay in bed and cried in the darkness. Wishing - it could be different.
    I analyzed that dream and realized that I am frustrated lately. No matter what I try to do to make normal happen it never feels right. I don't hate my life (and that has its own prophetic message) at all. I just don't feel the same about it without him. To have hope is frustrating.
    when he said "what will it take to fix this?" / / / I know - felt it was a message.
    I have to take each day as it comes and not try to "fix" my life all at once. I have to believe somewhere - somehow his love still exists.
    Then I came here and you were talking about dreams and I wondered is this too - a message.
    Maybe I am crazy too.

  7. RIGHT there with you. Signs everywhere and they sit right next to my scientific mindset. I have to accept them for comfort, so I do.

  8. Go ahead and call me crazy too. Everytime I say something like this out loud I get the "look". I have stopped caring what people think, so the look kind of amuses me now.

  9. i no longer even question it there have been so many "coincidences" but twice i have dreamed he is crying too i just really hope he isnt as miserable as i am but then again why wouldnt he be

  10. Equally crazy- right here with you!

  11. I agree it's been 2 years.. My heart still hurts I still feel life will never be so called normal again. Then I see signs a heart in the clouds a heart that formed of moss on a tree in my yard. I know he's waiting and watching. I feel some peace.