Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Drifted Back to NY ......

...... and the relief I felt as soon as I sat down in my seat on the plane yesterday morning was amazing.
It was like I had been carrying 500 pounds on my shoulders (causing a lot of pain in my neck!).  As soon as I dropped into that seat,  all of that weight lifted.
In fact, I was so relaxed that I slept through most of the flight ...... which is a rarity for me.
Carrying all of that weight is exhausting.

Letting go of it is almost exhilarating.

I'm feeling less adrift right now.
Funny, I always feel that way when I'm here.

Maybe I should stop over-thinking things and just plan on moving here as soon as my house in Texas sells.
Who says I can't change my mind at a later date?
Who says I can't find somewhere else to live if this place turns out to be less than "home"?

It seems so strange that a place so large and so full of strangers ...... feels more like "home" than any other place on earth.
I think it's the freedom I feel when I step off of the plane.

I'm free to be myself ...... and no one's bothered by that here.
No one here knows that I used to be different ...... that I had a "before".

I'm free of the concerns and responsibilities that threaten to pull me under when I'm back there.
I'm free of the memories that lurk in every corner of my house, and on almost every street of my community.

I'm free from the relationships that also used to be different ...... in our "before".
I'm not the only one who was changed by my husband's death.
Not by a long shot.
But I am the one, along with my children, who have to live in it, day in, day out .....
24 hours.

Who knew that freedom would come in a city of over 8 million people?
Not me.
But now that I know ...... I'm accepting it.
And grabbing hold of it with both hands.
And enjoying every second of it.

For as long as it lasts.


  1. So often hearing from you who is further down the road than I am, and I now have a few years under, reading your words again bring a feeling of recognition.

    I wanted so to just leave where I live, for different reasons than you. We had not lived here long, so there is not quite the same "before". Although it is all these friends, neighbors here for sure know of me. But to get away from this place we together called home.

    And I have certainly gone away as much as possible, allowing not much time to just be here. And the day will come I will move. Just not this day. And no longer as an expression of flight and fear but as an option I choose. Meanwhile I have gone from detesting what living here has meant: the place of loosing my Dear, all the upkeep need to be done doing alone, being alone, to allowing it still has place in my life to learn to let the feeling of home return..

    Three and a half years out, I still leave often, because the side trips are good, but a change has come to returning. Together we, my Dear and I, made home...wherever we were. It has taken awhile for the soul to come back to the realization that home is what we each make it. This may be the last “home” we made together, it will not be my last.

    To paraphrase you :

    Who knew while running from the pain of here, staying here would bring me back to recognizing the sense of home?
    Not me.
    But now that I know ...... I'm accepting it.
    And grabbing hold of it with both hands.
    And enjoying every second of it.

    For as long as it lasts.


  2. Enjoy Janine!

    Maria O.

  3. Woohooo!!! You are exactly where you need to be. And Im so glad that happens to be NYC, cuz its really been nice to have a friend so closeby who "gets it." Yayyy!!!!