Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Drifted Back to NY ......
...... and the relief I felt as soon as I sat down in my seat on the plane yesterday morning was amazing.
It was like I had been carrying 500 pounds on my shoulders (causing a lot of pain in my neck!). As soon as I dropped into that seat, all of that weight lifted.
In fact, I was so relaxed that I slept through most of the flight ...... which is a rarity for me.
Carrying all of that weight is exhausting.
Letting go of it is almost exhilarating.
I'm feeling less adrift right now.
Funny, I always feel that way when I'm here.
Maybe I should stop over-thinking things and just plan on moving here as soon as my house in Texas sells.
Who says I can't change my mind at a later date?
Who says I can't find somewhere else to live if this place turns out to be less than "home"?
It seems so strange that a place so large and so full of strangers ...... feels more like "home" than any other place on earth.
I think it's the freedom I feel when I step off of the plane.
I'm free to be myself ...... and no one's bothered by that here.
No one here knows that I used to be different ...... that I had a "before".
I'm free of the concerns and responsibilities that threaten to pull me under when I'm back there.
I'm free of the memories that lurk in every corner of my house, and on almost every street of my community.
I'm free from the relationships that also used to be different ...... in our "before".
I'm not the only one who was changed by my husband's death.
Not by a long shot.
But I am the one, along with my children, who have to live in it, day in, day out .....
Who knew that freedom would come in a city of over 8 million people?
But now that I know ...... I'm accepting it.
And grabbing hold of it with both hands.
And enjoying every second of it.
For as long as it lasts.