Thursday, October 31, 2013

In Between

JERRY: You rented 'Home Alone?'

GEORGE: Yeah. Do you mind if I watch it here?

JERRY: What for?

GEORGE: Because if I watch it at my apartment, I feel like Im not DOING anything. If I watch it here, Im out of the house. Im DOING something. 

- Seinfeld 

Today is a nothing day. Nothing important.
Well, today is Halloween.
By the time you read this, yesterday would have been Halloween.
But, as I am writing this late Thursday night,
today is Halloween.
But my husband and I didn't have kids yet, and we never really "did anything" on Halloween.
So, like I said, today is a nothing day.

All of the days surrounding today, however, are filled with emotion.
The days that have passed, and the days coming up.
Lots and lots of emotion.
This past Sunday, October 27th, was my wedding anniversary.
Would have been 7 years.
I hate that I have to say "would have been."
We didn't even make it to 5.

I spent the day Sunday driving to the road where our venue was, and still is.
Sea Cliff, Long Island.
I sat by the water where we took our pictures.
Where his ashes are scattered.
I walked along the sand. I sat on a bench and stared.
I tossed a message in a bottle into the bay.
I sobbed. For 2 hours straight. I really did.
It just kept coming.
The tears.
They shot out of me like a flood or a tidal wave,
fighting and begging to be heard.
So I sat.
And I listened.
And I talked.
But mostly,
I listened.
To the silence.
To the low tide.
To the hope, that I could somehow hear or feel his love, somewhere deep inside.
I listened.

Tomorrow, just 7 years ago, we left for my parents beautiful time-share on Cape Cod, to spend our 10 day honeymoon. While there on the Cape, we celebrated his birthday, which happens to fall on November 6th, Election Day. After that, other emotional future days will also come up. Such as Thanksgiving. And the day he proposed to me underneath that Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree in NYC, one week before Christmas. And then, of course, Christmas. My favorite day of the year, that I now dread with every fiber of my being. New Years Eve. And then we get to start the whole damn thing all over again ........

But today,
right now,
in these moments of silence that I sit here and write,
while my roommate is out celebrating the holiday,
and while my new life often leaves me alone on nights,
exactly like this one,
is a nothing night.

And it is nights like tonight,
these nothing nights,
these days that fall in-between 
other relevant nights,
it is these evenings and these hours,
that I feel the loss most of all.

For tonight,
just 7 years ago,
on Halloween night,
we were not doing anything at all.
We were doing nothing.
and doing nothing, together
is so very delicious and incredible and sexy
and boring and wonderful and adventurous
when you are deeply in love.

We were watching "Its The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown",
and we were packing for our honeymoon,
and we had ordered some take-out Italian,
and we sat on our couch in our living room,
with our legs and our hearts intertwined,
loving our newly married life,
that was only 4 days old.

And we did nothing at all.
and nothing was everything.
But now,
is just
And doing nothing,
All alone,
is not the same,
as doing nothing,
with your person.

And so these nights,
these nights of nothing that are
In-Between other nights,
they Hurt.
They remind and they bring back to the surface,
and they wound and they push in all the places,
that you don't want pushed.

On these nights,
being left alone here,
with only my thoughts and my heart,
it is dangerous.
It is painful.
It is vulnerable.
I am naked,
sitting next to grief,
Inviting him,
Enticing him,
Enabling him,
to come out and play.
And when he does,
and he always does,
I will be ready,
and I will be silent,
and I will sit still,
and Listen.
Just listen,
for that small, tiny, important moment
right before the wave crashes
right after the wind blows
right before the grief starts howling,
and yelling,
and berating,
and overwhelming,
and controlling.

I will listen,
for your love,
of the In Between. 

Pictured: Sea Cliff, Long Island, on Sunday, October 27, 2013. 


  1. Thanks for sharing this, Kelley Lynn. I know there is some rule on WV that you"re supposed to end posts with positive stuff, but sometimes I just want my sad feelings validated - and skip all the hope-for-the-future, moving forward crap...

  2. Really? I was unware of this "rule" about ending posts with something positive. I just always write whatever I feel, and I dont really look at feelings as "positive or negative." They are just feelings. Thanks so much for reading. xo ...

  3. DJ,
    There's no rule. I think the tone of every author's posts depend upon where they are in this journey. If you were to go back and read my earliest posts you'd find very little "hope-for-the-future".
    I'm glad that you connected with Kelley's words.
    Sometimes the only ones that seem to resonate are these ...... living without them just sucks.

  4. I have been on this hellish journey for 28 months and I've had yet another melt down all week. Sadly, I've come to accept that my journey will never end until I'm with my husband again. I sat on the couch Monday night and begged my husband to please send me a sign that he's still here with me somehow. Just before I awoke in the morning, the love of my life was standing over me with the most incredible love shining in his eyes. He looked younger and so handsome. I awoke immediately and then became so upset that I woke up. He and I both know there will be no other man in my life; how could there be with so much love still between us. I am his wife; I will always be his loving wife. There is no escape from this emptiness and this loneliness. No one understands until they've traveled this journey that no one wants.

  5. Kelley Lynn, thanks for a great post! You are so right that these "nothing" days most times carry the most grief. The loneliness is like nothing else. It hurts. It cuts. It annoys. It is sometimes just relentless. I also agree with DJ that sometimes we just want our sad feelings validated. I am coming into my fourth holiday season without my husband and while the world thinks I should be celebrating, I feel nothing but sadness.

  6. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel every day. With tears in my heart, I invited grief in again for a little while. One week from today will be 24 months without my husband. And I miss him every. single. day. xo

  7. Very true. As always, a wonderful post, Kelley.

  8. Loved those days of nothingness, too. Hate them now, as well as the sleepless nights. And the holidays... everyone's already asking me my "plans". They just don't get it, do they? Not that I want them to, for that would mean they too have lost a love. Thanks Kelley, at least you can fill some of that nothingness with words. Keep writing.