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"Don't be too late tonight, I really want to spend some time with you."
"I won't. It'll be an early hunt. I'll be back before the kids go to bed. I promise."
I promise. Right before we exchanged I love you's, this was one of the last things I heard Jeremy say to me. I've played it out so many times in my head, it gets very muddled now, and I don't even remember the exact words, but I promise always pulses through. Because when I hear it in my head, it can still make me hurt and even make me angry.
I hear people constantly throw around these two words. I even find myself doing it once in awhile when I'm not thinking. I heard my children promising all kinds of things to me and their siblings the other day, and it triggered my emotions. There have been other times in the past where I've heard 'I promise' and it triggered vicious tears.
I now have an aversion to the phrase 'I promise.' Not because I don't think people don't mean it, but because I've waited on a promise before and watched all my hopes and dreams come crashing down as that promise was broken. And it wasn't intentional, but broken nonetheless. I know at the heart, people want to be trusted and confirm that they'll follow through on something, but those words still sting in my heart.
He promised.
He made a promise he didn't know he couldn't keep.
Now, I can't trust a promise.
They say don't make promises you can't keep. But people think they're invincible. We here know differently and we take and make promises with a little more caution because we know a promise can be broken in the blink of an eye, with one phone call, with one breath. Anytime I hear the phrase, it's like I can hear Jer's voice through it and the promise suddenly sinks into my gut.
So, I try to be careful about what I promise to people. Because I never want to leave those words unfinished on someone else's heart.
Eighteen months ago my partner woke me up early in the morning and asked me to take him to the hospital as the flu he had been battling was getting worse and he was having trouble with his balance. Just before we walked out of the apartment he hugged me tightly, told me he loved me, I reciprocated with the hugs and kisses and held him and told him "whatever this is, I'll help you get through it - I promise...". Two days later I gave the OK to disconnect him from life support as he had slipped into a coma and there was no hope for recovery...and 10 minutes later he passed away as I held his hand... I made a promise that I could not keep - and I have to live with that the rest of my life! It hurts so much as he had often told me he trusted me completely and had never felt so secure and safe until he met me....I let him down...
ReplyDeleteI think we all hang onto those "last words".......and truly in my heart, I believe when we or the loved one who died, say or said, "I promise" - it was meant it from the bottom of the heart and with all earnestness. But then life made a decision for us/them. A decision that would forever change the course of ours/theirs destiny. Promises made from a pure heart, in my opinion, are just that, pure. As we have all labored over what we said, or didn't say, did or didn't do, one thing I know from the fact of losing my husband is that hindsight is 20/20. We don't have that when we are in the present of the day. I don't wrestle a lot with regrets. We lived our lives well and to the full. I regret that he is not hear any longer. I regret that my marriage ended. I regret that the day he unexpectedly died, was a day that was full of work and other commitments. I regret I didn't get to say goodbye for real, for eternity. I know in my heart that he loved me to the moon and back and I know that he knows he was loved just as well. It sounds like others have that same kind of love. Trust that love to keep moving your forward, not looking back. I for so long could not bear to think about looking forward, let alone moving forward, and yet, that seems to be what I have been doing. I believe our loved ones would not hold us or themselves to the "promise" that we or they made. Trust the love you shared.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I disagree with you. You stayed with him and helped him get through "it." Not the way you thought you would do it, but you did. The same happened to me; sometimes, no matter what we want, we cannot fix the problem. All we can do is ease the journey.
ReplyDeleteAs to promises. I have had a "friend" make them to me in the nine months since my Wes died. Then later I realized he hadn't really considered the full meaning of his promises and he didn't really mean them. I am recovering from this new pain, but I am finding it very difficult now to trust the words he and others give me. . . .
Anonymous, I disagree with you. You stayed with him and helped him get through "it." Not the way you thought you would do it, but you did. The same happened to me; sometimes, no matter what we want, we cannot fix the problem. All we can do is ease the journey.
ReplyDeleteAs to promises. I have had a "friend" make them to me in the nine months since my Wes died. Then later I realized he hadn't really considered the full meaning of his promises and he didn't really mean them. I am recovering from this new pain, but I am finding it very difficult now to trust the words he and others give me. . . .