“We envy others, for we see their lives in broad outline, while forced to live ours in every detail.”
— Robert Brault
All had felt that their life, choices, look, path was less than when they compared it to others. Even more so, that it was magnified after losing their stake in ground (i.e. spouse).
Having no where else to compare, they turned to the internet/social media (the route many of us take to seek out fellow grief travelers), to feel connected.
I think for many, we find those connections and they are undoubtedly solid and lasting, but comparison may have or find a way to creep into our lives.
My wish for you all is that you never feel the need to compare. Heck, if you had me read my own blogs 5 years ago, I'd become more depressed! Mostly because I could never envision the positivity that has ensued over the last few years, and I was at a place where I'd feel 'less than' on my journey.
There were even moments where I thought I was failing at being a widow because I wasn't following in the footsteps of many others or found myself going from grief stage 4 with a sudden drop to stage 1.
It was in doing a "Robert Frost" and never turned around to see if or how others were taking the route, that my journey through widow-hood, and life, became a much more pleasant one.
Know that your journey is yours alone. One that you do not have the right to compare to others. One that others should never compare to yours. You'll thank yourself for it.
Comparison has a way of being a thief of joy.
Zip up your purse and hold it close to your side. ;)
Thank you for this, Taryn...it's an issue I face reading WV...
ReplyDeleteI agree, I disregard the so called "stages of grief", I am where I am, and this is how it is. I do believe those stages were originally intended for those who were dying, not those left behind grieving.
ReplyDeleteI agree don't compare if it makes you feel bad about where you are. But I think comparing can be a good thing. When my husband was killed two years ago August, I didn't start looking around online for experiences I could relate to because of the circumstances of this death. He was killed while riding a bicycle, and there were some concerns when the woman was found at fault by the detective(an accident reconstruction expert) but then not charged for anything by the DA. So, I focused on that for two years. Then around the two year mark I found this blog. It was such a relief to compare myself to others! I looked at where people around the two year mark were, and many of their feelings and experiences were similar to mine. People who have never experienced this expect one to move on more quickly and be better off by the two year mark, and this made me feel like I was doing something wrong. By reading the experiences of others and comparing myself to them, I was able to think that anyone that thought I was crazy could get lost, I am normal(thank you Cassie and Kelley!!). So, if it makes you feel better, take it with you. If you don't feel better, don't take it personally, leave it behind.
ReplyDeleteKnow that your journey is yours alone. One that you do not have the right to compare to others. One that others should never compare to yours. You'll thank yourself for it.
ReplyDeleteThis is sooooo true. Thank you for writing it. I have said many a time it is like riding a roller coaster. Ups and downs. Your are such and inspiration to us other widows. Thanks.
"There were even moments where I thought I was failing at being a widow..." - lol, me, too! I even got some self-help books to see how I was supposed to be doing this! It's been one year now - and I have muddled through it in the way that was right for me. BTW, ignore those who try to compare your grief to that of others they may know - these people have no idea what your journey is about. They are not living every painful detail of your grief - you are.
ReplyDeleteI have been telling myself all week to stop comparing myself to everyone else. Even took a much needed break from facebook, best decision I ever made! Thank you for writing this!
ReplyDeleteGrief is neither a contest nor a competition. For every single one of us, at this moment in time, our own loss is the worst that could happen to anyone. I invite you to read my own post on this topic: When Grief Seems Insignificant by Comparison, http://j.mp/YFLoTx
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