I never dream of him. I can't for the life of me figure out why or how the person I spent most moments of 15 years with, the person I was closest to in my entire life, doesn't show up in my dreams now that he's gone from this earth. Or if he is, why I don't remember those dreams but I do remember the mundane, annoying, or ridiculous dreams instead.
I love science and I search automatically for a scientifically sound answer for this, but there really isn't one. I think even the science world is a little stumped by dreaming.
I do know that the belief is that the subconscious is always talking to us and processing while we dream. And that it doesn't talk very directly necessarily. It talks in symbols and metaphors and can be twisted and unreal.
So, maybe I have been dreaming about the loss and the missing him and the pain, but it hasn't showed up as him in bodily form. It was code for him. But I want him to visit my dreams. I want a little bit of him back, if only in my subconscious processing at night.
I'm losing the feel of him, the smell, the sound. I'm losing all of it. It's slipping away. I need it all to come back in my dreams so I can know that it's still there, somewhere in my brain, even it's it's not accessible during my waking hours.
My life is moving on whether I want it to or not. I'm moving farther and farther away from the last time I heard his voice or felt his hand enfolding mine.
If I could just have a dream of him, here and there, I'd know he still exists in my brain. As a whole being, a person. Not just a memory. Not just a suggestion.
I have a lot of trouble visualizing lately. When I'm awake I can't seem to visualize moments we had together or him talking to me, looking at me, touching me. I can conceptualize that those things happened, but I don't get a really clear picture in my mind of the events.
Maybe that has something to do with my dreams. My dreams seem a little out of focus and they're lacking the depth they used to have.
It's almost as though those memories are these incredibly painful bruises in my mind and to go anywhere near them is like threatening to poke hard at the bruise, so my mind protects itself by shutting those files down before I can get at them.
It seems logical that the memories would give me comfort and that I'd long for them, and I do, but my brain seems to be too skittish to really dig in and watch those filmstrips straight on whether I want to or not. A little peripheral glimpse and boom, the reel stops and the picture goes black.
It'd be nice if my subconscious mind would throw me a visit here and there. Or if it's possible for a person's soul to actually visit in our dreams, then it'd be nice if he'd show up.
I guess it's just not time yet, either way. But if my brain waits too long, will the memories be too hard to access even for dreams? Maybe just by writing this, I'll get to dream of him tonight. It would be so nice to get a message from him.
I don't think it's too much to ask for after being away from each other for so long.