I'm *mostly* over the worst hangover of my life, which was due to a bachelorette party I attended on Saturday. Yup, you read that correct. I went to a bachelorette party… my first since the death of my fiancé. Since June of 2012 I have refused to go to any bachelorette parties, weddings, or showers of any kind. But it was finally time to face one.
Now, it wasn't your typical bach party. There was no wedding veil or obnoxious "Bride to Be" sash… we don't roll like that. It was just three friends from high school, out at a gay bar, drinking and dancing. We never got to do that stuff together when we were younger, so really it felt a lot like a mini reunion. We were making up for a lot of lost time. And Jesus did we ever...
Six double cranberry vodkas and several hours of dancing later… (why did we keep getting doubles? I don't even KNOW) and we are back at our hotel. My girlfriend and I are taking turns praying to the porcelain god... It is literally the most drunk I have EVER been.
Now, it wasn't your typical bach party. There was no wedding veil or obnoxious "Bride to Be" sash… we don't roll like that. It was just three friends from high school, out at a gay bar, drinking and dancing. We never got to do that stuff together when we were younger, so really it felt a lot like a mini reunion. We were making up for a lot of lost time. And Jesus did we ever...
Six double cranberry vodkas and several hours of dancing later… (why did we keep getting doubles? I don't even KNOW) and we are back at our hotel. My girlfriend and I are taking turns praying to the porcelain god... It is literally the most drunk I have EVER been.
And then it happens... right there on the bathroom floor, a lot more than just upchuck comes out. Before long my friend is holding me in her arms and I am crying my eyes out. The pain mixed with the horrible room-spinning stupor sends me spiraling into my emotions.
In a normal state, I'm very good at keeping the "should's" at bay. But in this state… yeah… I'm defenseless. It SHOULD have been my bachelorette party. It should have been me that is getting married in a few weeks. It should have been me who was about to embark on the next part of my own adventure with my very best friend and soul mate. "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME" my pained drunk mind screams at me over and over again, combined with the intense need to call him and have him calm me down…
*sigh* But it isn't me. It isn't. And it's not going to be. Not with him... Ever. And I am heartbroken all over again. Broken open, all over again.
And so here I am, two days later… the physical hangover has finally passed, but the emotional one will not pass likely for a few more days. And I know there is nothing I can do to make it pass any faster. There is nothing quite as devastating as walking into someone else's happy-ever-after and seeing what you were supposed to have had. What you thought you were going to have. What you would trade everything to have back.
*sigh* But it isn't me. It isn't. And it's not going to be. Not with him... Ever. And I am heartbroken all over again. Broken open, all over again.
And so here I am, two days later… the physical hangover has finally passed, but the emotional one will not pass likely for a few more days. And I know there is nothing I can do to make it pass any faster. There is nothing quite as devastating as walking into someone else's happy-ever-after and seeing what you were supposed to have had. What you thought you were going to have. What you would trade everything to have back.
I know there are many of you out there who get it. Who never got the wedding or maybe - like me - were just a month away from their proposal. And even if you were married, you have your own version of this special hell of should's. It is a part of this whole fucked journey that tears so deeply when it is triggered.
There is just no pain in the world like that bitter, biting, slap in the face - the reality of what you do not have. It is a cold pain, with an icy burn like no other. No matter how long it has been, it twists itself right down into your soul.
So, I will breathe this week. And I will try to take it easy on myself, and maybe even convince myself to get excited about camp. I know it's gonna be awesome. A little at a time… I will begin to heal up again, until the next time I am broken open. As we keep doing.
There is just no pain in the world like that bitter, biting, slap in the face - the reality of what you do not have. It is a cold pain, with an icy burn like no other. No matter how long it has been, it twists itself right down into your soul.
So, I will breathe this week. And I will try to take it easy on myself, and maybe even convince myself to get excited about camp. I know it's gonna be awesome. A little at a time… I will begin to heal up again, until the next time I am broken open. As we keep doing.
In the very least, a tiny part of me is really proud I did it. But I sure as fuck won't be going to any more bachelorette parties anytime soon!
Oh Sarah I'm so sorry you went through that. I know the feeling of being ripped off by life. My husband died 2 years after our first date. Only married for 1 year and 4 months. It all happened so fast...and then it all happened so fast... again. It has only been a little over 4 months since my life stopped and I struggle to make sense of it everyday.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend getting married this year. She asked me to do her make-up for the wedding and help her with her invites. I said no to both requests and tried not to be offended. I still had not made up my mind if I was going to attend the wedding. After reading this I think it is too soon for me to celebrate in someone's happiness. Thank you for writing this.
Hi Tracy, thank you so much for your comment. Im so sorry you are
ReplyDeleteGoing through this too. Definitely trust your gut anout the wedding stuff. Your true friends will understand and not mind you taking care of you should you decide you cant go. Sending love your way. Xoxo
I know I'm lucky I got 23 years with my hubby and two fantastic kids. My gut wrenching slap round the face is always seeing old couples obviously still very much in love, holding hands I'm never going to get that and it breaks me every time.
ReplyDeleteI am bawling my eyes out! This group is so cathartic for me!! In my life, 3 yrs ago, a very attractive couple I was friends with, who lived downstairs, got married. The people surrounding me gave me a load of crap like: (weird, puzzled looks) "What's your problem?", "Why are you angry?" "Get off it; quit pouting!" and one woman even leaned toward me and cruelly mocked me for "being jealous".
ReplyDeleteLast year, my roommate's daughter got married and I was too freaked out to attend the wedding. I am only recently able to not bitch about her wedding album (very well done, btw!). I did not pore over, nor even ceremoniously burn, wedding/brides' magazines this year for Valentine's Day. I shot targets at Cabela's instead. I imagined myself blasting loneliness, negativity, blatant commercialism.
The couple downstairs has moved out. The first time I walked through our jointly shared hallway, where her wedding dress hung, and her newborn's Moses basket used to be, I "unflinched", "un-hunched", and felt myself flower with R-E-L-I-E-F! The thing is, nobody in my life told me it was it was OK to have the feelings I had. So, THANK YOU, Sarah, for writing this.
Oh gosh - you are SO welcome. I know what it is like when someone validates some of these feelings. We are absolutely entitled to them! I'm so glad this reached you <3
Deletethanks for sharing... i lost my husband in March 2012 after we had only been married for a year and a half. i have been in two weddings since then and about to be in my third... i don't know how i am doing this honestly but for me they have gotten easier with time...
ReplyDeleteI know none of us like hearing it, but hell I'm sayin it anyway… you are one brave chick <3 Thank you for being here.
DeleteBravo, Sarah. So glad you shared this. You know why.
ReplyDeleteLove you! So glad you came to Camp and that we connected. Be good to you, soul sista!
Thank you for our talk after the banquet - much of this i changed from your encouragement, and it has obviously meant a lot to some folks who have read it. You so inspire me & give me strength!
DeleteOh my goodness. I have no words! <3
DeleteBeautifully written. Thank you. I needed to read this today.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been to a wedding, funeral, or bachelorette party, but it is only 8 months and I am sure I will be faced with something like this soon. I came back from camp with an emotional hangover. There was so much information and emotions I had to face. I didn't realize that I was holding so much back from people here at home or how many walls I had thrown up to protect myself. At camp I let a lot of those barriers down. I cried every day. It wasn't a bad cry, but one that obviously I was preventing from happening. So I had my own emotional hangover. Sunday I woke up at 3am to catch a flight home to Spokane WA. Got in and did some normal Sunday chores. I realized I was a complete zombie. I tried to journal a lot of my thoughts and feelings, but realized I had a lot going on up there. By 2am Monday morning I was still juggling emotions and thoughts. I emailed into work stating I wasn't going in. I ended up sleeping until 2pm on Monday (this is very odd for me. I'm a person up at 4:30am and at work by 6am). I realized I needed to take care of myself. I woke up will a new focus. Still tired and drained, but a new focus.
It was good to meet you this weekend. I enjoy your writing and love the photo of you wrapped in wings.
I am so glad this reached you when you needed it Erin. I've had an emotional hangover this week too - and feel exactly the same about camp. I didn't even know how much I was holding in, until the walls came down and it all came out. It was SO good to let it all out. I'm so glad I got to meet you, and hope we meet again at next year's! And good for you for taking that day off that you needed! Much love! xoxo
Delete